How to Fight Presidents: Defending Yourself Against the Badasses Who Ran This Country by Daniel O'Brien Page A
Authors: Daniel O'Brien
Ads: Link
other military leaders in control). Johnson, who was trying to both heal a wounded nation
and
live up to his predecessor’s legacy, had enough to deal with already and didn’t need some uppity war secretary second-guessing him at every pass, so he asked for Stanton’s resignation. Then Stanton refused. Then Congress, who
also
didn’t respect Johnson, passed the Reconstruction Act, which a) took away Johnson’s control over the U.S. army in the South, and b) took away Johnson’s ability to fire any cabinet members without the approval of the Senate. It was a move specifically designed to keep Stanton’s position secured, and when Johnson tried to fire Stanton anyway (Johnson ignored theReconstruction Act because it seemed unconstitutional to him, and also because “Come on, just give me a goddamn break, guys”), he was impeached. He managed to keep his job by
one single vote
, but the writing on the wall was clear. The people never wanted or expected Johnson to be president, his Congress hated him, and even his own cabinet members ignored and disobeyed him. Johnson was, again, on his own. It probably goes without saying that the Johnson presidency was unspectacular, but what the hell, let’s say it anyway. Johnson’s presidency was unspectacular. Johnson purchased Alaska for America, which was great, but sort of paled in comparison to Lincoln’s slave-freeing, war-ending one-two punch.
Johnson is the most underdoggiest underdog who has ever underdogged—which, in a fight, might hurt you. If Hollywood tells us anything, it’s that the underdog always wins. No one expected Johnson to amount to much of anything, but he gave himself an education and rose to national prominence and eventually became
president
.
Still, if real life tells us anything, it’s that the underdogs
don’t
actually win. Smack this stumpy, Charlie Brown twerp around for a while and remind him why
he
doesn’t get to write history.
Ulysses S. Grant was put on this Earth to do two things: kick ass and drink booze, and he will never run out of booze, so you can assume he’ll be sink-pissingly drunk for his bout with you. Also, saying that he was put on this Earth only to do two things isn’t an exaggeration; Grant was a failure at literally everything else he tried to do, including presidenting. He was never a great student, he was never an athlete, and didn’t have many friends. He wasn’t a terrific communicator, and as president didn’t make enough of an impact to make a dent in any historical polls.
Grant wasn’t even a solid military strategist, which is probably why he won so much. What Grant had, and what almost any great general needs, was a deep, natural, and impossible-to-quantify instinct for war. It is an unteachable skill that combines instinct with practicality and total ruthlessness, and Grant had it in spades. He never so much as picked up a book on strategy, and never made anydecisions on the battlefield based on trying to be one step ahead of the other guy; he just operated with a sort of primitive war IQ. Grant was simply surviving by fighting every single day and every single night; he was a mad fighter full of piss and vinegar and mostly whiskey.
Oh, right, the drinking. Nothing could stop Grant from drinking, not an important battle, and not even the soldier that Grant personally hired to stop him from drinking too much. Let’s take that again. Grant knew that he drank so much that he appointed
an armed soldier
specifically to make sure he didn’t drink during the war, and he still drank, and he
might have been right for doing so
. The drinking lowered Grant’s inhibitions and helped him keep his cool in any situation. Hell, even President Lincoln admitted that he wanted Grant in command of the army specifically
because
of his drinking. He was an alcoholic, but he was, according to Lincoln, exactly the kind of alcoholic that the Union needed. Lincoln’s casual acceptance of Grant’s drunkenness is the
and
live up to his predecessor’s legacy, had enough to deal with already and didn’t need some uppity war secretary second-guessing him at every pass, so he asked for Stanton’s resignation. Then Stanton refused. Then Congress, who
also
didn’t respect Johnson, passed the Reconstruction Act, which a) took away Johnson’s control over the U.S. army in the South, and b) took away Johnson’s ability to fire any cabinet members without the approval of the Senate. It was a move specifically designed to keep Stanton’s position secured, and when Johnson tried to fire Stanton anyway (Johnson ignored theReconstruction Act because it seemed unconstitutional to him, and also because “Come on, just give me a goddamn break, guys”), he was impeached. He managed to keep his job by
one single vote
, but the writing on the wall was clear. The people never wanted or expected Johnson to be president, his Congress hated him, and even his own cabinet members ignored and disobeyed him. Johnson was, again, on his own. It probably goes without saying that the Johnson presidency was unspectacular, but what the hell, let’s say it anyway. Johnson’s presidency was unspectacular. Johnson purchased Alaska for America, which was great, but sort of paled in comparison to Lincoln’s slave-freeing, war-ending one-two punch.
Johnson is the most underdoggiest underdog who has ever underdogged—which, in a fight, might hurt you. If Hollywood tells us anything, it’s that the underdog always wins. No one expected Johnson to amount to much of anything, but he gave himself an education and rose to national prominence and eventually became
president
.
Still, if real life tells us anything, it’s that the underdogs
don’t
actually win. Smack this stumpy, Charlie Brown twerp around for a while and remind him why
he
doesn’t get to write history.
Ulysses S. Grant was put on this Earth to do two things: kick ass and drink booze, and he will never run out of booze, so you can assume he’ll be sink-pissingly drunk for his bout with you. Also, saying that he was put on this Earth only to do two things isn’t an exaggeration; Grant was a failure at literally everything else he tried to do, including presidenting. He was never a great student, he was never an athlete, and didn’t have many friends. He wasn’t a terrific communicator, and as president didn’t make enough of an impact to make a dent in any historical polls.
Grant wasn’t even a solid military strategist, which is probably why he won so much. What Grant had, and what almost any great general needs, was a deep, natural, and impossible-to-quantify instinct for war. It is an unteachable skill that combines instinct with practicality and total ruthlessness, and Grant had it in spades. He never so much as picked up a book on strategy, and never made anydecisions on the battlefield based on trying to be one step ahead of the other guy; he just operated with a sort of primitive war IQ. Grant was simply surviving by fighting every single day and every single night; he was a mad fighter full of piss and vinegar and mostly whiskey.
Oh, right, the drinking. Nothing could stop Grant from drinking, not an important battle, and not even the soldier that Grant personally hired to stop him from drinking too much. Let’s take that again. Grant knew that he drank so much that he appointed
an armed soldier
specifically to make sure he didn’t drink during the war, and he still drank, and he
might have been right for doing so
. The drinking lowered Grant’s inhibitions and helped him keep his cool in any situation. Hell, even President Lincoln admitted that he wanted Grant in command of the army specifically
because
of his drinking. He was an alcoholic, but he was, according to Lincoln, exactly the kind of alcoholic that the Union needed. Lincoln’s casual acceptance of Grant’s drunkenness is the
Similar Books
