Holding Her in Madness by Kimber S. Dawn Page B

notebook, and cigarettes. Then she goes inside and locks the back door.
    I can’t move. Still haven’t moved a single centimeter since she walked towards me.
    And I don’t move. Not one fucking time.
    The only things moving are the wheels in my head and the tears that continue to stream down my face.
    My firecracker. She’s gone.
    I probably should have noticed it when I found her outside in the dead of the night and the middle of winter in nothing but a thin t-shirt and sweatpants, sitting on her back porch, crying. I’m even surer that her broken sobs that racked her too thin frame should have been a clue. I couldn’t figure out exactly what her cryptic pain-filled words meant, but I’m goddamn certain they were also red flags.
    None of it though, and I mean not one of those things, told me what I saw in her eyes when she was less than a foot away. Nothing that I witnessed tonight shook me to the marrow of my bones like the dead, cold look in her dull gray eyes did when she made eye contact with me hidden in the dark for less than a second.
    My firecracker.
    She’s gone.
    “I’m so fucking sorry, baby. More sorry than you’ll ever know,” I whisper hours later as the sun rises.
    Then I head back to my car.

The evening after the stark dose of reality that I’ll never have my firecracker back, that home is a place I’ll never go again... Josh and I are packing his shit in my back seat, getting ready to hit the road to Lake Charles.
    I got my bike on a trailer that I hitched to the back of my car. Damn trailer is old as shit and rickety as hell, and I’m praying that it makes the ride.
    “That the last of it?” I nod towards the box in Josh’s hand.
    “Yep, that’s it, man. This is gonna fucking kick ass!” Josh slaps the hood of my Camaro then jogs towards his house right as Jason comes out.
    “Jason, come here, man.” He looks up at me with a nervous look. “What? Don’t look at me like that. Fuckin’ come here.”
    “What?” He’s looking between me and the bike and starts heading over to the bike.
    “I need to ask you for a favor.” I’m trying to figure out how to word this shit so the kid doesn’t think I’m a stalker and turn my ass in.
    “What kinda favor?” The little guy starts pulling his guards up immediately.
    “It’s nothing really. Kinda like spy work, but it’s important. So I will have to pay you for it, and you have to swear to me that you’ll keep it totally confidential. You can’t tell anyone. Think you can handle that?”
    “Depends. How much money are we talking?”
    Shit, the little fucker is much smarter than his older brother. That’s promising. Even more so if I can get him on my side. “Hundred bucks a month.” His eyes almost bulge out of his head.
    Gotcha, kid .
    My chest constricts and expands at the same time. I know I have to do this to keep my sanity. I also know that whatever this kid tells me is shit I’m not gonna want to hear. But I’ll lose my goddamn mind without it.
    “Done. Whatcha need?” Kid’s face is serious as a heart attack.
    “Look, Jason. I’m gonna call the line in my room at Grands.” I unhook the key from the key ring in my hand and toss it to him. “Every Sunday, I want you there to answer the phone. Me and you are gonna have a little chat. I wanna hear how Grands is doing, how you’re doing, and I wanna know what Lil’s up to.”
    “Shit, Leo. I can’t hit Allen up about his sister all the time. That’s gonna look weird as hell.”
    “No, no, no... Nuh uh. Don’t talk to Allen about it. Don’t ask Allen anything. You just keep your damn ears open. When you’re over there, pay attention to Lil and what she has going on. Anything Allen says, just file that shit away and tell me on Sunday. I know there will be Sundays when you don’t have anything to report, and that’s cool. You’ll still get paid. And I still want to know about you and Grands. You understand, don’t you, Jason?”
    “Yeah, yeah, I