have no choice but to watch
over him. But I’m older and stronger than you, honey. I’ve dealt with this
situation before and as callous as it sounds, I’ve developed a certain hardness
to it. That doesn’t mean I don’t cry myself to sleep with worry every night, it
means when he’s spouting hurtful things to me… I can tune out. I know that’s
not really my boy.
“I’ve coped for a long time on
my own. It’s been so long since I had other family or friends to help me
through, I don’t need anyone else
anymore. You do , Emily. And it
doesn’t make you weak to need support from your friends. Besides, you’re not
giving up on him. You’re going away to get some space and make yourself
stronger and healthier so you’ll be in a better position to hold him up when he
eventually finds the courage to fall on you.”
I was more than just considering it by this point. In fact, I had almost
made up my mind.
“He’ll hate me.”
“Honey, he hasn’t got room to hate anyone else just now. He’s got that
emotion all used up on himself.”
“He’ll think I’ve let him down. That I don’t care. What if… what if I go
and he doesn’t want me back? It would destroy me.”
“Emily…” She said my name almost sternly. “You need to remember the
Dexter you fell in love with.”
“You’re saying it like he’s dead!” I snapped unintentionally, followed
by an apologetic frown.
“No, honey. I’m saying it like he’s not here… because right now, he
isn’t. What I’m trying to say is, imagine telling ‘clean Dexter’ how you’re
feeling right now. Picture yourself telling him how selfish you feel - how much
you’re struggling… how much you’re hurting .
What do you think he would say to you?”
My heart slipped down into my stomach remembering ‘that’ Dexter. God I
miss him.
“He’d tell me never to forget that he loves me.” Remembering the exact
words he once said to me made a silent and lonely tear trickle down my cheek.
“I know what I have to do.”
“Come on, honey, I’ll help you get things arranged.”
So that was it. I was going home. I was leaving the man I loved more
than life itself… leaving him to suffer without me – to destroy himself.
And I hated myself for it.
**********
“I’ve arranged your flight for tomorrow night,” Sarah announced while I
was packing up my things. I still couldn’t believe I was going through with
this.
“That’s too soon. I need to see him. He might not come home tonight and
I can’t leave without saying goodbye.”
“Emily… maybe it’s best if you don’t see him.”
“No,” I said resolutely. “I have to
see him, Sarah.” I wouldn’t be persuaded otherwise. I would not take the cowards way out and leave
without an explanation.
“Well I can always reschedule the flight if he doesn’t show before lunch
tomorrow. You’ll need to leave for the airport not long after.”
“Won’t that cost extra money?” I argued, feeling guilty enough that she
was already paying for my ticket.
“Don’t concern yourself with that, honey. I need you to do whatever is
best for you, okay?”
“Thank you, Sarah. For everything.”
**********
It was noon on the day of my flight back to the UK and I hadn’t seen
Dexter since the incident in the bathroom. I had an hour before my taxi was due
to arrive and if Dexter didn’t come home before then, I would have to rearrange
my plans. I decided I wouldn’t text anyone back home until I knew for sure what
was happening. I also hadn’t decided who exactly I was going to contact.
I know it should be Rachel – she’s my best friend and has
supported me through everything. But I’m just not sure if I can face London
again yet. The ground floor flat Rachel and I share is so near to Dexter’s
apartment. I would have to walk or drive past it every day to get to university
or even Tesco. Plus, when I think about our couch, the bar stools in our
kitchen, the sheets
over him. But I’m older and stronger than you, honey. I’ve dealt with this
situation before and as callous as it sounds, I’ve developed a certain hardness
to it. That doesn’t mean I don’t cry myself to sleep with worry every night, it
means when he’s spouting hurtful things to me… I can tune out. I know that’s
not really my boy.
“I’ve coped for a long time on
my own. It’s been so long since I had other family or friends to help me
through, I don’t need anyone else
anymore. You do , Emily. And it
doesn’t make you weak to need support from your friends. Besides, you’re not
giving up on him. You’re going away to get some space and make yourself
stronger and healthier so you’ll be in a better position to hold him up when he
eventually finds the courage to fall on you.”
I was more than just considering it by this point. In fact, I had almost
made up my mind.
“He’ll hate me.”
“Honey, he hasn’t got room to hate anyone else just now. He’s got that
emotion all used up on himself.”
“He’ll think I’ve let him down. That I don’t care. What if… what if I go
and he doesn’t want me back? It would destroy me.”
“Emily…” She said my name almost sternly. “You need to remember the
Dexter you fell in love with.”
“You’re saying it like he’s dead!” I snapped unintentionally, followed
by an apologetic frown.
“No, honey. I’m saying it like he’s not here… because right now, he
isn’t. What I’m trying to say is, imagine telling ‘clean Dexter’ how you’re
feeling right now. Picture yourself telling him how selfish you feel - how much
you’re struggling… how much you’re hurting .
What do you think he would say to you?”
My heart slipped down into my stomach remembering ‘that’ Dexter. God I
miss him.
“He’d tell me never to forget that he loves me.” Remembering the exact
words he once said to me made a silent and lonely tear trickle down my cheek.
“I know what I have to do.”
“Come on, honey, I’ll help you get things arranged.”
So that was it. I was going home. I was leaving the man I loved more
than life itself… leaving him to suffer without me – to destroy himself.
And I hated myself for it.
**********
“I’ve arranged your flight for tomorrow night,” Sarah announced while I
was packing up my things. I still couldn’t believe I was going through with
this.
“That’s too soon. I need to see him. He might not come home tonight and
I can’t leave without saying goodbye.”
“Emily… maybe it’s best if you don’t see him.”
“No,” I said resolutely. “I have to
see him, Sarah.” I wouldn’t be persuaded otherwise. I would not take the cowards way out and leave
without an explanation.
“Well I can always reschedule the flight if he doesn’t show before lunch
tomorrow. You’ll need to leave for the airport not long after.”
“Won’t that cost extra money?” I argued, feeling guilty enough that she
was already paying for my ticket.
“Don’t concern yourself with that, honey. I need you to do whatever is
best for you, okay?”
“Thank you, Sarah. For everything.”
**********
It was noon on the day of my flight back to the UK and I hadn’t seen
Dexter since the incident in the bathroom. I had an hour before my taxi was due
to arrive and if Dexter didn’t come home before then, I would have to rearrange
my plans. I decided I wouldn’t text anyone back home until I knew for sure what
was happening. I also hadn’t decided who exactly I was going to contact.
I know it should be Rachel – she’s my best friend and has
supported me through everything. But I’m just not sure if I can face London
again yet. The ground floor flat Rachel and I share is so near to Dexter’s
apartment. I would have to walk or drive past it every day to get to university
or even Tesco. Plus, when I think about our couch, the bar stools in our
kitchen, the sheets
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