make you weak or stupid. Being able to love so freely, so openly as you
have with Dexter, makes you one of the strongest people I’ve ever met.
“But being strong doesn’t mean you should give up on yourself either,
honey. I love that boy, you know I do, but he’s making you sick. You’ve lost
weight this past couple of weeks. You’re not sleeping, you’re barely leaving
the house… If you don’t take some time out for yourself then you’re not going
to be physically able to support him for much longer.”
“No. It feels so selfish to even think about me just now. He needs me.”
“But what good are you to him when you can’t even think straight?”
Instinctively, I looked at her with an offended expression distorting my face.
But it faded just as quickly. She was right. “As much as it hurts, you need to
remember that right now in that messed up head of his, he doesn’t need you. At least he doesn’t think he does. You can’t save someone that doesn’t want to be
saved, honey. Believe me, I’ve tried. The next step has to come from him. I know that sounds terribly heartless of me,
but-”
“Sarah I could never think
you’re heartless,” I interrupted, covering her hand with mine. “You’re right. Those things are
difficult to hear… but I also know you’re the only person who’s experienced
this side of Dexter before. And I trust you implicitly. You’re like a mum to
me,” I declared. An earnest smile melted across her face and placing her other
hand on top of mine, the beginnings of a small tower, she squeezed it gently.
“I know it seems bizarre,” I continued, “given that I didn’t even know
you existed a couple of months ago… but you’ve shown more love to me in that
short time than my own mother ever has.”
“Oh, Emily,” she breathed, prizing our hands apart and opening her arms
for another hug.
I spent the next couple of hours telling Sarah all about my childhood. I
told her about Livvie, reliving the day I watched my baby sister drown all over
again. I told her about my mum and the fact she sees me as a hindrance –
an inconvenience who by needing to be clothed and fed, stole some of the
precious time she’d have rather spent impressing her posh friends. We talked
about my dad, and together decided that my parent’s marriage has possibly
lasted all this time more out of convenience than love.
Naturally our conversation led to my friends and I told her all about
Rachel and Jared. I included Chris too, because it felt wrong to discuss him
with the same breath as my parents. Then… I started crying. Again. Like,
seriously ugly, wailing type of
crying.
“You need your friends, honey. Go home. Take some time out,” she
whispered into my hair as she continued to hold me close to her chest. My
throat was too tight to let words pass through so I simply shook my head.
“ You haven’t got anyone else
either. It wouldn’t be fair to Dexter or you
if I left.” Can you see me wavering there? For the first time I didn’t spit an
outright no. Was I actually considering
leaving him? Leaving these two precious people who I loved with all my heart
behind so I could focus on myself ?
“Christ I feel so selfish.”
“ Why ?” she asked, dumbfounded.
“Because I’m considering it,” I confessed, shame boring into my cheeks and
making them glow bright red.
“You’re not selfish,” she said
adamantly, pushing me gently off her chest so she could look at me. “Emily, I
know how much you love him. But right now? That just isn’t enough. Go home. Get
your head straight and let me look out for him.”
“But that right there is what I’m talking about. You’re struggling with
this as much as I am – maybe even more so. Yet you would never dream of giving up on him. But me…” I trailed off,
too abashed by my selfishness to continue.
“You’re right, I wouldn’t. I think of him as my son and as much as it’s
killing me to see him hurt himself like this, I
have with Dexter, makes you one of the strongest people I’ve ever met.
“But being strong doesn’t mean you should give up on yourself either,
honey. I love that boy, you know I do, but he’s making you sick. You’ve lost
weight this past couple of weeks. You’re not sleeping, you’re barely leaving
the house… If you don’t take some time out for yourself then you’re not going
to be physically able to support him for much longer.”
“No. It feels so selfish to even think about me just now. He needs me.”
“But what good are you to him when you can’t even think straight?”
Instinctively, I looked at her with an offended expression distorting my face.
But it faded just as quickly. She was right. “As much as it hurts, you need to
remember that right now in that messed up head of his, he doesn’t need you. At least he doesn’t think he does. You can’t save someone that doesn’t want to be
saved, honey. Believe me, I’ve tried. The next step has to come from him. I know that sounds terribly heartless of me,
but-”
“Sarah I could never think
you’re heartless,” I interrupted, covering her hand with mine. “You’re right. Those things are
difficult to hear… but I also know you’re the only person who’s experienced
this side of Dexter before. And I trust you implicitly. You’re like a mum to
me,” I declared. An earnest smile melted across her face and placing her other
hand on top of mine, the beginnings of a small tower, she squeezed it gently.
“I know it seems bizarre,” I continued, “given that I didn’t even know
you existed a couple of months ago… but you’ve shown more love to me in that
short time than my own mother ever has.”
“Oh, Emily,” she breathed, prizing our hands apart and opening her arms
for another hug.
I spent the next couple of hours telling Sarah all about my childhood. I
told her about Livvie, reliving the day I watched my baby sister drown all over
again. I told her about my mum and the fact she sees me as a hindrance –
an inconvenience who by needing to be clothed and fed, stole some of the
precious time she’d have rather spent impressing her posh friends. We talked
about my dad, and together decided that my parent’s marriage has possibly
lasted all this time more out of convenience than love.
Naturally our conversation led to my friends and I told her all about
Rachel and Jared. I included Chris too, because it felt wrong to discuss him
with the same breath as my parents. Then… I started crying. Again. Like,
seriously ugly, wailing type of
crying.
“You need your friends, honey. Go home. Take some time out,” she
whispered into my hair as she continued to hold me close to her chest. My
throat was too tight to let words pass through so I simply shook my head.
“ You haven’t got anyone else
either. It wouldn’t be fair to Dexter or you
if I left.” Can you see me wavering there? For the first time I didn’t spit an
outright no. Was I actually considering
leaving him? Leaving these two precious people who I loved with all my heart
behind so I could focus on myself ?
“Christ I feel so selfish.”
“ Why ?” she asked, dumbfounded.
“Because I’m considering it,” I confessed, shame boring into my cheeks and
making them glow bright red.
“You’re not selfish,” she said
adamantly, pushing me gently off her chest so she could look at me. “Emily, I
know how much you love him. But right now? That just isn’t enough. Go home. Get
your head straight and let me look out for him.”
“But that right there is what I’m talking about. You’re struggling with
this as much as I am – maybe even more so. Yet you would never dream of giving up on him. But me…” I trailed off,
too abashed by my selfishness to continue.
“You’re right, I wouldn’t. I think of him as my son and as much as it’s
killing me to see him hurt himself like this, I
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