Heal The Abuse - Recover Your Life by Jason Goodwin Page A
Authors: Jason Goodwin
Tags: Psychology, Abuse, Anxiety, depression, Alcoholism, Addiction, therapy, recovery, ptsd, Prostitution, sexual abuse, drug addiction, counseling, molestation, molest, posttraumatic stress disorder, recover
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can I do differently from now on?
What will it take to forgive myself for the
negative behaviors of my past?
How much of this shame and guilt do I need
to give back to the person or persons who abused me? Am I ready to
give it back?
Chapter 12 – Depression
“Why do you stay in prison when the door is
so wide open?”
-Jalal ad-Din Rumi
Depression has been described as a
combination of anger and sadness. We feel hopeless when we realize
there is no way to change our past. We will never be able to go
back and erase what happened to us.
Sometimes we feel depressed because we are
still in denial about the abuse. We wish we had never been abused,
or that we could have prevented it somehow. For survivors of sexual
abuse, thoughts and feelings of this kind are normal.
Unfortunately, we do not always express our
feelings in a healthy way. We may manipulate others, sabotage
ourselves, or become trapped in self-pity. Unhealthy responses to
anger and sadness can actually prolong the pain we feel.
We move towards resolution when we allow
ourselves to experience our feelings and come to an understanding
that the abuse was not our fault. It happens when we stop trying to
change our past. When we allow ourselves to cry, to grieve, and to
experience our sorrow. Crying is not a sign of weakness. It is a
sign of strength.
Sometimes our feelings of depression can
become crippling. There have been times in my life when I had a
hard time getting out of bed. I lost weight, lost interest in life,
isolated myself in a one-bedroom apartment, and slept late into the
morning. When depression becomes extreme, a condition described by
the DSM-IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders)
as Major Depression, it is important to be willing to try
medication.
My own depression was genetic in nature, but
enhanced by circumstances. My grandmother on my mother’s side
suffered from depression and took antidepressants for the second
half of her life. I often felt depressed as a child for no apparent
reason, and I wrote a lot of violent, morbid poetry. I felt
resistant to taking medication for the first 34 years of my life
because I didn’t want to believe that I was crazy. Taking pills to
change my brain chemistry would be admitting there was something
wrong with me.
My stubborn resistance to medication
treatment was illogical and self-destructive. When I went to
graduate school, I learned about the physiology of the brain and
the reasons why antidepressants work. I finally concluded that if
my depression was genetic in nature, it was a physical problem. And
a physical problem demands a physical solution. For me, thinking
positive was never enough. My attempts to improve my outlook on
life certainly helped, but the aching in my head never went
away.
I finally decided to try an SSRI (Selective
Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor) five years ago. It is one of the
newer antidepressant medications, and I experience no side effects.
I can tell you that this medication changed my life.
In the past, my emotional response to the
trauma of sexual abuse had turned my genetic depression into a
living nightmare. I suffered for many years before giving
medication treatment a chance.
Before antidepressants, my life had moved
from one depression to the next. I can attest to the fact that this
is no way to live. Stubbornness and fear prevented me from making
rational decisions about treating my depression. My attitude is
very different now. I have more authority in recommending
antidepressants to my clients, because I take them myself.
Antidepressants do not make you happy. They
are not addictive, and they do not get you high. But they do help
balance your brain chemistry so that when you wake up in the
morning, you can have an even chance of feeling happy or depressed,
depending on your circumstances.
This is the way most people experience their
lives. They do not wake up feeling depressed for no
What will it take to forgive myself for the
negative behaviors of my past?
How much of this shame and guilt do I need
to give back to the person or persons who abused me? Am I ready to
give it back?
Chapter 12 – Depression
“Why do you stay in prison when the door is
so wide open?”
-Jalal ad-Din Rumi
Depression has been described as a
combination of anger and sadness. We feel hopeless when we realize
there is no way to change our past. We will never be able to go
back and erase what happened to us.
Sometimes we feel depressed because we are
still in denial about the abuse. We wish we had never been abused,
or that we could have prevented it somehow. For survivors of sexual
abuse, thoughts and feelings of this kind are normal.
Unfortunately, we do not always express our
feelings in a healthy way. We may manipulate others, sabotage
ourselves, or become trapped in self-pity. Unhealthy responses to
anger and sadness can actually prolong the pain we feel.
We move towards resolution when we allow
ourselves to experience our feelings and come to an understanding
that the abuse was not our fault. It happens when we stop trying to
change our past. When we allow ourselves to cry, to grieve, and to
experience our sorrow. Crying is not a sign of weakness. It is a
sign of strength.
Sometimes our feelings of depression can
become crippling. There have been times in my life when I had a
hard time getting out of bed. I lost weight, lost interest in life,
isolated myself in a one-bedroom apartment, and slept late into the
morning. When depression becomes extreme, a condition described by
the DSM-IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders)
as Major Depression, it is important to be willing to try
medication.
My own depression was genetic in nature, but
enhanced by circumstances. My grandmother on my mother’s side
suffered from depression and took antidepressants for the second
half of her life. I often felt depressed as a child for no apparent
reason, and I wrote a lot of violent, morbid poetry. I felt
resistant to taking medication for the first 34 years of my life
because I didn’t want to believe that I was crazy. Taking pills to
change my brain chemistry would be admitting there was something
wrong with me.
My stubborn resistance to medication
treatment was illogical and self-destructive. When I went to
graduate school, I learned about the physiology of the brain and
the reasons why antidepressants work. I finally concluded that if
my depression was genetic in nature, it was a physical problem. And
a physical problem demands a physical solution. For me, thinking
positive was never enough. My attempts to improve my outlook on
life certainly helped, but the aching in my head never went
away.
I finally decided to try an SSRI (Selective
Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor) five years ago. It is one of the
newer antidepressant medications, and I experience no side effects.
I can tell you that this medication changed my life.
In the past, my emotional response to the
trauma of sexual abuse had turned my genetic depression into a
living nightmare. I suffered for many years before giving
medication treatment a chance.
Before antidepressants, my life had moved
from one depression to the next. I can attest to the fact that this
is no way to live. Stubbornness and fear prevented me from making
rational decisions about treating my depression. My attitude is
very different now. I have more authority in recommending
antidepressants to my clients, because I take them myself.
Antidepressants do not make you happy. They
are not addictive, and they do not get you high. But they do help
balance your brain chemistry so that when you wake up in the
morning, you can have an even chance of feeling happy or depressed,
depending on your circumstances.
This is the way most people experience their
lives. They do not wake up feeling depressed for no
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