Heal The Abuse - Recover Your Life by Jason Goodwin

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    In the past, I blamed myself for the abuse
and believed the lies my abusers told me. They wanted to make me
feel guilty and ashamed. They tried to break me down.
    At some point I began to believe their lies.
I became trapped in a dismal world of self-condemnation. Over time,
I started to “shame” and “guilt” myself.
    My abusers worked very hard to convince me
that the abuse was my fault. They told me that I was a bad child
and they forced me to do things that were against my will. Over
time, I came to agree with their criticism. I started to feel
ashamed and guilty for all the aberrant sexual acts they forced me
to perform.
    When you are told over and over again that
you are a bad person, you begin to believe it. Shame and guilt
becomes a downward spiral that destroys your self-esteem.
    At some point I reached the conclusion that
there must be some terrible defect in my character or personality
that had caused others to sexually abuse me. I became skilled at
inventing reasons for why I deserved to be abused.
    But I am not to blame for what happened. I
did not deserve their abuse. I am a precious, wonderful child of
God. I deserve to be loved, honored, supported, and treated with
respect.
    Most adults never sexually abuse a child.
When they get angry, they express their anger in a healthy way
without abusing or molesting anyone. Most parents discipline their
children with respect.
    What is it that my abusers wanted? I believe
that all abusers are looking for someone to hurt with their anger.
I was small and defenseless. They believed they could abuse me
without consequence.
    A couple of years ago, I married a woman who
kept telling me I deserved her abuse. She criticized me on a daily
basis, and yelled at me for increasingly trivial reasons. She tried
to justify her abuse by claiming that I was “always messing things
up.”
    This was the first time in my adult life I
had been criticized or abused in this way. Had I suddenly become a
worthless, incompetent, lazy, insensitive, inconsiderate, messy,
loud person overnight? Or was she an abuser? Did she believe that I
was the kind of person she could abuse? Did she see the victim in
me, a survivor of childhood sexual abuse? I left the moment I
realized she would never admit to her behavior, let alone change
it. I left because I had finally had enough of being abused.
     
    Personal Journal Entries
    Entry #2: Shame About What I’ve Done
    I feel ashamed when I hurt myself or someone
else, because I know deep inside that abusive behavior is
wrong.
    I smoked cigarettes for over ten years, and
when I quit, I experienced deep feelings of shame and guilt. I
finally realized how much I had hurt my body and my
self-esteem.
    Shame feels like a heavy blanket pressing
down on top of me. It’s important to work through my shameful
feelings. The first step is to stop blaming myself for the abuse.
This shame does not belong to me. I need to come to my senses and
give this shame back to my abusers.
    The second step is to stop acting in ways
that will make me feel ashamed. I cannot get past feelings of shame
if I keep hurting myself with drugs and alcohol. I cannot get past
feelings of shame if I keep acting out sexually addictive
behaviors. I cannot get past feelings of shame if I stay in abusive
relationships.
    It is not realistic to believe that I can
change all of these self-destructive patterns overnight. But by
continuing to work on myself, I will overcome them all in time.
Eventually, I will feel proud of my actions, my choices, and the
direction of my life.
     
    Process Questions
    What have I felt guilty or ashamed about? Do
I still carry any feelings of shame and guilt?
     
     
     
    How does it feel to carry this shame and
guilt? (Has it held me back, damaged my self-esteem, prevented me
from developing healthy relationships, or fueled my
addictions?)
     
     
     
    What can I do to release these feelings of
shame and guilt? If my shame or guilt comes from my own behaviors,
what