Has to Be Love by Jolene Perry

gone … My house is still hollowed out and emptier without Mom. So is my heart. Always will be. Without believing she’s somewhere better, I’m not sure how I would have survived the loss.”
    â€œHmm.”
    I chew on the end of a piece of hay, still just looking for a way to keep busy. “My dad, you know. I mean, we’ve always gone to church, but after we lost Mom it became everything to him.”
    He leans back against the stall and faces me. “And do you push back?”
    â€œNo.” I shake my head. “It works for me. I like our church. I like what we believe, but …” But everyone doubts sometimes. Maybe I’ll always doubt a little, but it’s definitely not something I’d share with Rhodes. Or Elias. Or even my dad. I’m a firm believer in faith being personal, and that’s gotten me out of a lot of awkward conversations.
    â€œYour scars—” he starts but pauses. “I look at you and I’m reminded of how very lucky I am. Your internal scars are probably related to your external scars, and it’s not like you can hide those. Mine are easily hid.”
    â€œNo,” I agree. “I can’t hide.” And for the first time I think someone understands a part of why I hate my scars. It’s something I’ve never been able to put into words in such a simple way.
    â€œI’m glad we’re friends,” he says as his eyes float over my face, spending a few extra seconds on my scars.
    I snort like the very attractive person that I am. “Is that what we are? Because I’m pretty sure you’re my teacher.”
    He leans toward me until our shoulders bump before moving away, but just slightly. “In six months, we could end up in the same college class, Clara. I feel much more connected to that idea than the fact that I’m student teaching. I’d love to be a teacher, but I have more school I’d like to finish first. I’m student teaching now because it felt like a good opportunity to spend time in Alaska, and I’ve never been. I think I’d like to be a teacher later because I love learning and I love the school schedule. I’d have a lot of freedom for travel. Well … if I ever stop going to summer school.”
    â€œOh.” The divide between us shrank with the story of his brother and shrank with him slumping next to me, and he’s right anyway. When I start college in the fall, it is possible that we could end up in the same class. Not likely. But possible. I hold my breath as the reality of how close we could be sinks in, and then I want to ask him about all the places he’s been. Is that something I’ll do? I’m not sure. New York still feels like an insurmountable wall.
    Rhodes shreds a few more pieces of hay with his fingertips. “You and Elias have been together a while.”
    I nod but don’t speak. Talking about Elias with Rhodes feels like another kind of unfinished poem—awkward in a way that makes me unsure of how to move forward.
    â€œIt’s just …” He frowns a bit and shakes his head.
    What Rhodes thinks shouldn’t affect me. It shouldn’t matter. But the weight of his obvious disapproval rests on my mind.
    â€œYou think it’s silly or something? I’ve known him since I was little. He’s one of my best friends. Having that close friendship turn into dating is a pretty awesome place to start a relationship.”
    He leans closer to me, just enough that I notice, but not enough that I pull away. “Don’t you want to experience more?”
    â€œYes.” I want Columbia. Maybe a little bit of you … Guilt hits my stomach like a brick. I shouldn’t have even let the thought of Rhodes formulate. I shouldn’t have answered yes to his question. Elias deserves better.
    He jerks his head my way, his eyes widened in surprise. “Then why …?”
    â€œI got into