Happier Than She's Ever Been... by Menna van Praag Page A

of wine held aloft: one white, one red. He handed May the red as he reached her.
    â€˜Cabernet sauvignon.’
    Despite herself, May smiled. ‘You remembered.’
    â€˜But, of course.’ He flashed his bright white teeth at her again.
    Jake led the way to the back of the bar and May followed, like a magnet, sliding into a booth before she could think to object. Their knees touched under the table and she shifted slightly so it wouldn’t happen again. She thought of Ben at home, oblivious. Then she remembered what he’d done. So, technically, it didn’t matter what she did now; she’d only be evening the score.
    â€˜I can’t believe you’re really here,’ Jake said, smiling at her.
    â€˜No. Me neither.’
    â€˜And what’s happened to you since… I mean, it’s quite incredible.’
    â€˜What?’ May asked. ‘My evolution from a pathetic mess into –’
    â€˜Hey, I never thought you were a pathetic mess,’ Jake said. ‘At least, not at first. But when you got all those rejections, I suppose you lost yourself for a little while. I bet those agents and publishers are kicking themselves now, right?’
    â€˜I doubt it.’ May shrugged. ‘I don’t think I’m that big a deal.’
    â€˜Well, judging by what I read in the papers, you’re the only one who doesn’t.’ He looked at her and held her gaze until May looked away. ‘Do I make you nervous?’
    â€˜You make me doubt myself,’ May said quietly. Perhaps it was because she was so much weaker now, whittled away by all she’d won and lost, hollowed out by too much desperation and desire, but May felt herself regressing in Jake’s presence, becoming who she’d been all those years ago: needy, lonely, looking for love outside herself.
    â€˜I remember what you liked about me back then and what you didn’t,’ May added. ‘And I don’t think you’ll like me right now.’
    â€˜You’re wrong.’ Jake reached up and ran his fingertip slowly along her cheek to her chin. ‘I find you incredibly attractive right now.’
    May sighed softly. ‘Don’t.’
    Then he kissed her. Jake’s lips were warm, soft and just slightly wet. May was surprised she remembered how he’d tasted. It felt comforting, just the way chocolate cake had made her feel when she was empty and alone. As Jake slid his hands down her back, she knew how easy it would be to take it all the way. What a relief it would be, what a nice way to numb the pain rising up inside her belly. But then something shocking happened. In the darkness of that moment, May suddenly understood why Ben had done what he’d done. She could feel his heart as strongly as she now felt her own: so lost and loveless that she’d search anywhere to make it feel again.
    But this wasn’t how she wanted to do it. It hadn’t worked with chocolate, and it wouldn’t work with sex. And, as Jake lightly trailed a finger across her breasts, a small voice inside her spoke up. No , it whispered. No. So softly she almost couldn’t hear it. No. Without thinking, May jumped up, almost spilling her wine over Jake. She apologised profusely, ran through the tables, out of the bar and jumped into the first taxi she saw.
    Half an hour later, back in her hotel room, May sat on the edge of the bed. She was no longer numb. She was so filled with conflicting emotions that she couldn’t for the life of her fathom how she actually felt: sad, lonely, guilty, sorry, angry, scared… She didn’t know what to do. Suddenly she missed her mother; she missed Ben, Lily and Faith. The longing seized her at her throat, and the anger at herself for everything she’d done pumped through her veins. She wanted to thump the walls and wail, smash all the mirrors and rip the curtains to shreds. But she didn’t even have the energy to get off the