self-consciously as I said it, I couldn't help it. You know, Hughie, the way she turned around and looked at me was an insult in itself.
And you know what she said? "
"I could give a good guess."
"She kept wiping up as she turned round, and there was that tight, bitter smile on her face.
"Well," she said, 'you should feel much better now that you've proved yourself; in fact, you should both feel different and more normal like.
It's a great stigma for a woman to bear, not to be able to have a
child. She's for ever at a loss to know if the man's no use or it's: herself . She's me mother, Hughie, and she said that. And then she finished, "I only hope her body's as strong as her mind and she's delivered safe. Brains are not important to a woman in childbirth, she'll likely deliver hard'.... I had to come out, Hughie; I just had to come out."
"Don't you worry, Dennis. Both you and Florence are in a position to laugh at her."
Dennis took a long drink from his cup, and he stared at the oil-stove for some moments before replying, "Yes, I suppose we are, but you know we just can't... you can't laugh her off for she gets into your skin, pricking you all over liice squirrel fleas ... I don't know how you stand it day in, day out... I don't. Florence was saying the other night that she could understand the lads putting up with her because they were nearly all as dim as doornails. As long as they are fed and clothed and have their pocket money, that's all that matters. Like her, she said, they think God will provide, only unlike her they don't help Him with the job. And why should they when they've got Ma? But she said, she just couldn't begin to understand how you've put up with it all these years."
Hughie smiled now, a quiet, thoughtful smile, and he looked through the glass door into the shop to a shelf where rested a row of cobbled boots and shoes as he replied softly, "I've asked me self that many times, and given me self the answer, too. And it's very simple, I haven't much gumption." He cast a smile towards Dennis.
"Nonsense!" Dennis gave a disbelieving jerk to his head.
"But really, why didn't you just walk out?"
"I did. You know I did, twice, and she had me brought back."
"But that was when you were a lad. I've never brought this up before, it seemed too pertinent. But what really kept you? I can't believe it's just what happened years ago and the hold she had over you. As I see it, there was nothing to stop you just walking out, any day of any year as far back as I can remember ... just walking out."
Again Hughie looked through the door to the line of shoes, and his expression took on a sadness that buried itself deep in his brown
eyes.
"You belong to a family, Dennis, and anybody who has a family can't really understand what it's like not to be a member of one. When I first came into the house I felt I was one of you lads, because she was kind, but there were still times when, in a temper, she would say, " As for you, I've got enough to put up with from this horde, you'll go into a home. " She'd forget it the next minute, but not me. I was
terrified of this thing called ... a home. I was terrified of not
being a member of a family. And you know, on the two occasions she had me brought back I was glad. Moreover, your da was good to me when we worked together here. We could laugh and be easy, and he would make excuses for her, mostly first thing in the morning, saying, " Don't mind, Hannah; all she says is just like God bless you. She's a great woman, a great woman. " I often wondered what he would think about me if she had told him the truth, as she threatened so often to do."
"Just the same as he does now. But the fact that he didn't know, that she kept mum about it all these years, makes her more formidable still, don't you think?"
"Yes, I suppose so. The reason she gave me for not telling him was that he would kill me, in fact they would all kill me if they knew.
And then I felt I owed her something after
And you know what she said? "
"I could give a good guess."
"She kept wiping up as she turned round, and there was that tight, bitter smile on her face.
"Well," she said, 'you should feel much better now that you've proved yourself; in fact, you should both feel different and more normal like.
It's a great stigma for a woman to bear, not to be able to have a
child. She's for ever at a loss to know if the man's no use or it's: herself . She's me mother, Hughie, and she said that. And then she finished, "I only hope her body's as strong as her mind and she's delivered safe. Brains are not important to a woman in childbirth, she'll likely deliver hard'.... I had to come out, Hughie; I just had to come out."
"Don't you worry, Dennis. Both you and Florence are in a position to laugh at her."
Dennis took a long drink from his cup, and he stared at the oil-stove for some moments before replying, "Yes, I suppose we are, but you know we just can't... you can't laugh her off for she gets into your skin, pricking you all over liice squirrel fleas ... I don't know how you stand it day in, day out... I don't. Florence was saying the other night that she could understand the lads putting up with her because they were nearly all as dim as doornails. As long as they are fed and clothed and have their pocket money, that's all that matters. Like her, she said, they think God will provide, only unlike her they don't help Him with the job. And why should they when they've got Ma? But she said, she just couldn't begin to understand how you've put up with it all these years."
Hughie smiled now, a quiet, thoughtful smile, and he looked through the glass door into the shop to a shelf where rested a row of cobbled boots and shoes as he replied softly, "I've asked me self that many times, and given me self the answer, too. And it's very simple, I haven't much gumption." He cast a smile towards Dennis.
"Nonsense!" Dennis gave a disbelieving jerk to his head.
"But really, why didn't you just walk out?"
"I did. You know I did, twice, and she had me brought back."
"But that was when you were a lad. I've never brought this up before, it seemed too pertinent. But what really kept you? I can't believe it's just what happened years ago and the hold she had over you. As I see it, there was nothing to stop you just walking out, any day of any year as far back as I can remember ... just walking out."
Again Hughie looked through the door to the line of shoes, and his expression took on a sadness that buried itself deep in his brown
eyes.
"You belong to a family, Dennis, and anybody who has a family can't really understand what it's like not to be a member of one. When I first came into the house I felt I was one of you lads, because she was kind, but there were still times when, in a temper, she would say, " As for you, I've got enough to put up with from this horde, you'll go into a home. " She'd forget it the next minute, but not me. I was
terrified of this thing called ... a home. I was terrified of not
being a member of a family. And you know, on the two occasions she had me brought back I was glad. Moreover, your da was good to me when we worked together here. We could laugh and be easy, and he would make excuses for her, mostly first thing in the morning, saying, " Don't mind, Hannah; all she says is just like God bless you. She's a great woman, a great woman. " I often wondered what he would think about me if she had told him the truth, as she threatened so often to do."
"Just the same as he does now. But the fact that he didn't know, that she kept mum about it all these years, makes her more formidable still, don't you think?"
"Yes, I suppose so. The reason she gave me for not telling him was that he would kill me, in fact they would all kill me if they knew.
And then I felt I owed her something after
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