Handbook for an Unpredictable Life: How I Survived Sister Renata and My Crazy Mother, and Still Came Out Smiling (with Great Hair) by Rosie Perez
Authors: Rosie Perez
Ads: Link
Everyone,
seet!
Rosie! Come here,” my aunt yelled, looking panicked as shit. “Answer
de
door. Tell Don Cache that I’m not here. Okay? I want you to tell him that I am not here! Everyone
seet! Act normal!
”
Millie, Cookie, and Titi quickly sat on the sofa, placing Lorraine on the floor in front of the TV, forcing a relaxed tone to their posture—as if it were routine. I stood in the middle of the room completely baffled. No one had explained to me what was going on.
Tia grabbed me by the hand and quickly walked me over to the door. “Remember, when you answer
de
door, I want you to say to Don Cache that I’m not here! Okay?” I nodded obediently.
Knock, knock, knock
.
“Oh damn it to hell!” Tia loudly whispered as she quickly squatted down in the corner behind the door. “Rosie! Open! Open!”
I opened the door.
“
Hola
, Rosita.
Como tu ta?
[How are you?]” said Don Cache, tipping his fedora.
“Bien, gracias, Don Cache. Y tu?”
“
Bien, bien. ¿Y tu mama? ¿Esta aqui?
[Good, good. And your mommie? Is she here?]”
“Yes! And she wanted me to tell you that she is not here!” I proudly stated.
A huge gasp was heard from the girls over on the couch. I turned my head around toward them like,
What?
“
Oh
,
si? ¿A donde?
[Where is she?]” he asked.
“Behind the door, right there,” I answered, pointing at Tia.
Don Cache slowly pushed the door open until he felt it hit my aunt’s plump-sized body. He peered his head around and saw Tia scrunched down, looking up at him. The look on her face was priceless and so funny that I quickly covered the giggle that was bursting out of my mouth.
“Oh, hello,” she said with a wilted, humiliated smile. “
Ay
, my knee. I’m so fat. Would you please help me?”
Don Cache helped her up. Tia was still smiling through her embarrassment. I had never seen her look like that, and it frightened me. This wasn’t funny anymore. Oh no! What did I do?!
“
¿Queires café?
[Want a coffee?]” offered Tia.
She didn’t wait for a response and quickly went into motion, making a fresh batch of Café Bustelo. Don Cache turned and looked at my cousins, who were still frozen on the couch, then back at Tia, who was nervously dropping shit left and right. He shook his head and slightly chuckled to himself in disbelief. “
Me voy
. I’m sorry, but I have to leave. I’ll come and get the money next weekend. I hope you don’t mind.” He smiled at me, patted me on the head, tipped his hat, and left.
As soon as the door closed behind him, Tia fell to her knees and died laughing: “Ga, ga, ga, ga, gaaaaaaa!” My cousins started laughing with her. “
Ay
, my goodness. Did you see my face when he saw me in
de
fucking corner?” she screamed. “
Ay
, I wanted to die! God bless America two times he didn’t take
de
stove!” She then looked at me, saw my worried face, and called me to her. “
Ay
, come here, Rosita. Come.”
I slowly walked over to her, scared, wondering if she was going to beat me like the nuns always did. She pulled me toward her and hugged the shit out of me, shoving me into her big, fat, watery breasts as they jiggled up and down with laughter. She didn’t hit me. She didn’t punish me. She didn’t humiliate me. She just laughed and hugged me. Figure that.
• • •
It was the second weekend of the summer visit. I was still at Tia’s. The afternoon was hot and muggy. Tia was in the kitchen making an early supper of
chuletas
,
arroz blanco, y habichuelas rojas
(pan-fried pork chops, white rice, and red beans). The aroma of the fried pork and sweltering heat was insane.
I was taking a nap on Tia’s bed in my panties and undershirt, covered in baby powder from my neck down to my toes to help cool off from the heat. (Baby powder is poor people’s air conditioning.) Cousin Lorraine was in her playpen napping as well, and the others were who knows where. (Tia was like that: she always trusted her girls and gave them a lot of
seet!
Rosie! Come here,” my aunt yelled, looking panicked as shit. “Answer
de
door. Tell Don Cache that I’m not here. Okay? I want you to tell him that I am not here! Everyone
seet! Act normal!
”
Millie, Cookie, and Titi quickly sat on the sofa, placing Lorraine on the floor in front of the TV, forcing a relaxed tone to their posture—as if it were routine. I stood in the middle of the room completely baffled. No one had explained to me what was going on.
Tia grabbed me by the hand and quickly walked me over to the door. “Remember, when you answer
de
door, I want you to say to Don Cache that I’m not here! Okay?” I nodded obediently.
Knock, knock, knock
.
“Oh damn it to hell!” Tia loudly whispered as she quickly squatted down in the corner behind the door. “Rosie! Open! Open!”
I opened the door.
“
Hola
, Rosita.
Como tu ta?
[How are you?]” said Don Cache, tipping his fedora.
“Bien, gracias, Don Cache. Y tu?”
“
Bien, bien. ¿Y tu mama? ¿Esta aqui?
[Good, good. And your mommie? Is she here?]”
“Yes! And she wanted me to tell you that she is not here!” I proudly stated.
A huge gasp was heard from the girls over on the couch. I turned my head around toward them like,
What?
“
Oh
,
si? ¿A donde?
[Where is she?]” he asked.
“Behind the door, right there,” I answered, pointing at Tia.
Don Cache slowly pushed the door open until he felt it hit my aunt’s plump-sized body. He peered his head around and saw Tia scrunched down, looking up at him. The look on her face was priceless and so funny that I quickly covered the giggle that was bursting out of my mouth.
“Oh, hello,” she said with a wilted, humiliated smile. “
Ay
, my knee. I’m so fat. Would you please help me?”
Don Cache helped her up. Tia was still smiling through her embarrassment. I had never seen her look like that, and it frightened me. This wasn’t funny anymore. Oh no! What did I do?!
“
¿Queires café?
[Want a coffee?]” offered Tia.
She didn’t wait for a response and quickly went into motion, making a fresh batch of Café Bustelo. Don Cache turned and looked at my cousins, who were still frozen on the couch, then back at Tia, who was nervously dropping shit left and right. He shook his head and slightly chuckled to himself in disbelief. “
Me voy
. I’m sorry, but I have to leave. I’ll come and get the money next weekend. I hope you don’t mind.” He smiled at me, patted me on the head, tipped his hat, and left.
As soon as the door closed behind him, Tia fell to her knees and died laughing: “Ga, ga, ga, ga, gaaaaaaa!” My cousins started laughing with her. “
Ay
, my goodness. Did you see my face when he saw me in
de
fucking corner?” she screamed. “
Ay
, I wanted to die! God bless America two times he didn’t take
de
stove!” She then looked at me, saw my worried face, and called me to her. “
Ay
, come here, Rosita. Come.”
I slowly walked over to her, scared, wondering if she was going to beat me like the nuns always did. She pulled me toward her and hugged the shit out of me, shoving me into her big, fat, watery breasts as they jiggled up and down with laughter. She didn’t hit me. She didn’t punish me. She didn’t humiliate me. She just laughed and hugged me. Figure that.
• • •
It was the second weekend of the summer visit. I was still at Tia’s. The afternoon was hot and muggy. Tia was in the kitchen making an early supper of
chuletas
,
arroz blanco, y habichuelas rojas
(pan-fried pork chops, white rice, and red beans). The aroma of the fried pork and sweltering heat was insane.
I was taking a nap on Tia’s bed in my panties and undershirt, covered in baby powder from my neck down to my toes to help cool off from the heat. (Baby powder is poor people’s air conditioning.) Cousin Lorraine was in her playpen napping as well, and the others were who knows where. (Tia was like that: she always trusted her girls and gave them a lot of
Similar Books
