H. A. Carter by Kimberly Fuller Page B

of my courage.
I shook my head roughly trying to escape this harsh reality.
    “I love you, Jo. I never wanted any of this
to happen to you,” I cried uncontrollably, still refusing to accept
this fate.
    She grabbed my hand, lacing her fingers in
mine and squeezing tightly. The love of my ill-fated life continued
to whisper her endearing goodbye to me as her honey colored eyes
closed for the last time. I sobbed like a beaten child as she
squeezed my hand until the blood failed to reach the tips of my
fingers.
    Now, Harvey. It has to be now. With a heavy
heart and a heavy finger, I pulled the trigger.
    BANG!!
    The sound echoed thunderously around my
trembling body. A wave of intense desensitization encompassed my
being as I became deaf and blind to the world around me. It took
several seconds for my vision to clear and my heart to accept my
fate. My tear-soaked eyes faced the utter horror of what I had just
done with disgust and excruciating torment. Stabbing anguished pain
seared through my body as I tried to stay standing before my
beloved. Her hair turned a bright crimson as the life of my Joanna
seeped across the blood-tarnished floor. My knees buckled as I fell
before her still body. I reached out and caressed her silken cheek.
Her face was serene and peaceful. I used to love watching her sleep
and saddened at the thought that this would be the last time. At
least, it would make killing myself a little easier now. I almost
thanked her for that.
    As I sat next to my lost Juliet, I took
inventory of all the spent bullets of the last few minutes. The
blaring of sirens and horns screaming outside deterred me for only
the briefest of moments. I had started with six bullets. Six. I had
planned to kill only JJ and then shoot myself, so why had I chosen
to put in six bullets? Had I known it wouldn't be that simple?
    The piercing ache in my heart grew more
intense with each passing second. Shouts of surrender and bursting
doors invaded my mind, forcing me to act. I gave Jo once last
glance, hoping to see her beautiful face soon. I closed my eyes and
placed the still hot gun in my mouth, the thick taste of warm metal
crawling across my tongue.
    “Drop the weapon!” I heard in muffled slow
motion as I pressed the gun harder against the roof of my
mouth.
    They knew just as well as I that I would do
no such thing. It didn't matter what decision I made, either way,
it was going to be the same ending. I closed my eyes tighter,
letting the shiny silver orbs of wet tears encompass my darkened
vision. I breathed deeply through my stuffy nose, taking my last
great breath of air, and readied my soul.
    Then, I do the same thing I have done every
day for the last three years since being thrown mercilessly into
the pits of Hell. Allowed only torturous bitter memories for
companions. Rejected from Heaven. Rejected from Joanna and forced
to relive that day forever...
    My steady bony finger squeezed slowly back on
the firm trigger as tears of sorrow and joy fell unrelenting down
my face.
    I'm coming, Jo.
    I'm sorry, Mother.
    BANG!!

Epilogue
     
    John opened his eyes slowly, disbelieving the
reality of his continued existence if not for the immense throbbing
igniting from the back of his head. He rubbed his head roughly over
the developing bump protruding from his skull the size of a marble.
He looked forlorn as he realized he truly had been spared. The
chaotic cafeteria now ablaze with police and paramedics running
from person to person in hopes of finding more survivors than
victims. John watched with confused sickness in the pit of his
stomach. He knew he should have been lying cold on the floor
instead of warm and alive before the lifeless blood-covered bodies
of his friends. He stared unrelenting at Harvey's still body,
sprawled aimlessly across Joanna's lifeless form. He took Joanna,
but he wouldn't take me. Painful rejection washed over John's heart
as he realized how alone he was now.
    He patted his broken heart and felt a slight
unusual