going to kill JJ.”
I threw it out there. All my cards were laid
out on the table. Go big, or go home.
Joanna stared back at me blankly, and I
wondered if she had even comprehended gravity of what I had just
said. She didn't say a word, didn't move, she didn't even
blink.
I let her ponder a while, and just as I
opened my mouth to explain my reasoning, she spoke.
“I'll help you.”
“That's not going to happen...”
“I'll help you.”
“Jo, I'm doing this and I'm doing it
alone.”
“I said, I'll help you!”
“Jo..”
“You can't argue with me because you know I'm
right. I'm going to help you.”
I hated it when she was right.
59
It always comes to this. That one final
moment before all is lost. Why can't I just skip this part? Why
can't I just skip all of it? I want to go back to my happy
memories. What few I have left. But, They are already stripping
those from the caverns of my heart, leaving only agony and
angst.
My humanity is all but a cruel joke now. I
feel next to nothing. My heart hides from the pain of tortured
reality. My soul recoils at every thought of those I once
considered my world.
They are taking everything from me.
Everything but the pain.
*
My hands were sweating heavily as I feared
the gun would slip from my grip. Her once kind and innocent eyes
glared back at me with intense pleading and suffering. She pressed
herself harder against the gun, it's searing end now burning her
flesh. Cringes of pain escaped her stone-like posture.
I lowered my head in absolute shame. I almost
vomited as the reality of what I was about to do rocked my very
core, crushing all hope I ever clung to for my future, or hers.
She stepped back from the gun, the red
blistered circle pulsating brightly in front of me. Her soft hand
reached up and touched my rough dewy cheek.
“Harvey, I love you. Even after what
happened, that will never change. But because of what happened, I
can't live without you. One way or another, I'm going to lose you
forever because of what we just did. I can't live knowing I'll
never see you again. You have to take me with you, Harvey. Please,
it's the only way to stay together,” diamond like tears fell in
shiny spheres down her cheeks as she spoke her peace.
I fought back more tears. There had been too
much sadness spilled here already today. I closed my eyes tightly
forcing back my hurt and grief.
Why couldn't she just be satisfied with him
gone?
Suicide pacts were never in my long term
goals and I hated Romeo and Juliet with a passion. Were these
star-crossed lovers going to walk in their ignorant footsteps as
well? I wondered.
I already knew the answer before I asked the
question. I only hoped it would be quick and painless.
“Okay,” I said quietly, just barely above a
whisper.
She craned her head toward me, as if she
needed to hear it louder. I couldn't say it again, so I nodded and
left it at that, her comprehension growing apparent as she nodded
slightly back. Joanna squared her shoulders and raised her head
high. Her bold fearlessness made my own bravery seem weak.
I tightened my jaw, squeezed the gun hard in
my hand, and raised it to her angelic face. I breathed in deeply
through my half clogged nostrils, and put my index finger
comfortably on the trigger. I began to think back on all the serene
moments we had shared the last year, our love growing deeper than
any I could have ever imagined. Jo was my heart, my soul, my
everything. She was the only person I could ever feel comfortable
dying for. And now, here we were, literally dying for each
other.
The gun hovered in the air directly in front
of Joanna's peaceful face. She had accepted this fate more readily
than I could. Had she made these plans before learning of mine?
As much as I tried to disagree, I knew she
had.
“I love you, Harvey,” she began to whisper
softly in her sweet siren voice.
I swallowed my shame and guilt in one thick
lump, letting the flood of tears burst through gates
I threw it out there. All my cards were laid
out on the table. Go big, or go home.
Joanna stared back at me blankly, and I
wondered if she had even comprehended gravity of what I had just
said. She didn't say a word, didn't move, she didn't even
blink.
I let her ponder a while, and just as I
opened my mouth to explain my reasoning, she spoke.
“I'll help you.”
“That's not going to happen...”
“I'll help you.”
“Jo, I'm doing this and I'm doing it
alone.”
“I said, I'll help you!”
“Jo..”
“You can't argue with me because you know I'm
right. I'm going to help you.”
I hated it when she was right.
59
It always comes to this. That one final
moment before all is lost. Why can't I just skip this part? Why
can't I just skip all of it? I want to go back to my happy
memories. What few I have left. But, They are already stripping
those from the caverns of my heart, leaving only agony and
angst.
My humanity is all but a cruel joke now. I
feel next to nothing. My heart hides from the pain of tortured
reality. My soul recoils at every thought of those I once
considered my world.
They are taking everything from me.
Everything but the pain.
*
My hands were sweating heavily as I feared
the gun would slip from my grip. Her once kind and innocent eyes
glared back at me with intense pleading and suffering. She pressed
herself harder against the gun, it's searing end now burning her
flesh. Cringes of pain escaped her stone-like posture.
I lowered my head in absolute shame. I almost
vomited as the reality of what I was about to do rocked my very
core, crushing all hope I ever clung to for my future, or hers.
She stepped back from the gun, the red
blistered circle pulsating brightly in front of me. Her soft hand
reached up and touched my rough dewy cheek.
“Harvey, I love you. Even after what
happened, that will never change. But because of what happened, I
can't live without you. One way or another, I'm going to lose you
forever because of what we just did. I can't live knowing I'll
never see you again. You have to take me with you, Harvey. Please,
it's the only way to stay together,” diamond like tears fell in
shiny spheres down her cheeks as she spoke her peace.
I fought back more tears. There had been too
much sadness spilled here already today. I closed my eyes tightly
forcing back my hurt and grief.
Why couldn't she just be satisfied with him
gone?
Suicide pacts were never in my long term
goals and I hated Romeo and Juliet with a passion. Were these
star-crossed lovers going to walk in their ignorant footsteps as
well? I wondered.
I already knew the answer before I asked the
question. I only hoped it would be quick and painless.
“Okay,” I said quietly, just barely above a
whisper.
She craned her head toward me, as if she
needed to hear it louder. I couldn't say it again, so I nodded and
left it at that, her comprehension growing apparent as she nodded
slightly back. Joanna squared her shoulders and raised her head
high. Her bold fearlessness made my own bravery seem weak.
I tightened my jaw, squeezed the gun hard in
my hand, and raised it to her angelic face. I breathed in deeply
through my half clogged nostrils, and put my index finger
comfortably on the trigger. I began to think back on all the serene
moments we had shared the last year, our love growing deeper than
any I could have ever imagined. Jo was my heart, my soul, my
everything. She was the only person I could ever feel comfortable
dying for. And now, here we were, literally dying for each
other.
The gun hovered in the air directly in front
of Joanna's peaceful face. She had accepted this fate more readily
than I could. Had she made these plans before learning of mine?
As much as I tried to disagree, I knew she
had.
“I love you, Harvey,” she began to whisper
softly in her sweet siren voice.
I swallowed my shame and guilt in one thick
lump, letting the flood of tears burst through gates
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