way to soften the blow. But she was coming to realize that it was secrets that had poisoned all of her daughters in one way or another. It was lies that had kept them from having a whole mother. So, for the first time, she told the unvarnished truth.
“He raped and impregnated me. He may have killed my father. He certainly made me believe he had. And then my mother forced me to marry him.”
Jessica sat, staring at Adelina. She shook her head slightly, dazed. “That’s utter bullshit,” she said.
“No, unfortunately. It’s true.”
“Why did you stay with him?”
“I was trapped, Jessica. He threatened to hurt me, and more importantly, he threatened to kill Luis.”
“Your brother?”
Adelina nodded. “Luis was two at the time. And my father was dead. I … I didn’t have anywhere I could turn.”
Abruptly, Jessica opened the passenger side door, flooding the car with a cool breeze and the scent of the sea, and dropped out of her seat to the ground, nearly staggering. Adelina sat. She’d just told her already fragile daughter that her father was a rapist and a liar. Should she have hidden it? Should she have kept her secrets longer?
Jessica sat down on the low stone wall that edged the parking lot. She pulled her legs up close and wrapped her arms around them, then lowered her face so she was resting it against her knees.
Adelina wanted to weep at the sight. She’d spent so many years trying to protect herself and her daughters, and she’d failed them one by one. Every single one of her daughters.
Slowly, she opened the van door and stood. Jessica’s shoulders were shaking. A pit of anxiety in her stomach, Adelina walked to her daughter and sat on the wall next to her.
Without raising her face from her knees, Jessica said, “Either I believe you and lose my father, or I assume you’re crazy, and I’m stuck in a car with a crazy person.”
Adelina slowly nodded her head and picked at her fingertips, knowing that Jessica’s accusations were deserved.
“Father was the only normality we had, you know. Carrie used to sneak us out of the house and take us to the zoo or the park or the pool or the movies or anywhere she could think of, just to get us out of your way. Because you were crazy. You were always screaming or crying or falling apart.”
Adelina closed her eyes. Then she whispered, “It’s true. Carrie was your mom because I couldn’t be.”
“Yeah, but who took care of her? Who took care of Julia? ”
“I think maybe God protected them,” Adelina said. “I couldn’t. You’re right. I was literally out of my mind with fear. All the time. I’m so sorry, Jessica. I’m sorry I failed you.”
Jessica choked a sob. “Are you kidding me?” she spit out. “You’re sorry? Do you know what it’s like to not be able to bring your friends home because you think your mother might be having a freak out? Do you know what it’s like to grow up in a house where everyone goes from cold to hateful in just a second?”
Adelina took Jessica’s hands in hers. She looked her daughter in the eyes and whispered, “If I could take it all back, I would. If I could make it better, I would.”
Jessica’s eyes welled up, and tears began to run down her face. “Mama,” she whispered, reaching out.
Adelina pulled her daughter close. Jessica began to cry. First a thin, reedy cry, but soon she was wailing in great open-throated sobs, her shoulders shaking, her face buried in her mother’s shoulder. Adelina knew it wasn’t just this revelation she was crying for. She was crying for her lost love. She was crying for her twin, still recovering from an accident thousands of miles away. She was crying for all of the lost moments, the isolation and the quiet cold in their home. She was crying for the father she was losing, the father she’d never had.
Adelina. February 12, 1984
The alarm blared in a grating, angry tone, startling Adelina awake. She rolled over, groggy. She’d been awakened twice
“He raped and impregnated me. He may have killed my father. He certainly made me believe he had. And then my mother forced me to marry him.”
Jessica sat, staring at Adelina. She shook her head slightly, dazed. “That’s utter bullshit,” she said.
“No, unfortunately. It’s true.”
“Why did you stay with him?”
“I was trapped, Jessica. He threatened to hurt me, and more importantly, he threatened to kill Luis.”
“Your brother?”
Adelina nodded. “Luis was two at the time. And my father was dead. I … I didn’t have anywhere I could turn.”
Abruptly, Jessica opened the passenger side door, flooding the car with a cool breeze and the scent of the sea, and dropped out of her seat to the ground, nearly staggering. Adelina sat. She’d just told her already fragile daughter that her father was a rapist and a liar. Should she have hidden it? Should she have kept her secrets longer?
Jessica sat down on the low stone wall that edged the parking lot. She pulled her legs up close and wrapped her arms around them, then lowered her face so she was resting it against her knees.
Adelina wanted to weep at the sight. She’d spent so many years trying to protect herself and her daughters, and she’d failed them one by one. Every single one of her daughters.
Slowly, she opened the van door and stood. Jessica’s shoulders were shaking. A pit of anxiety in her stomach, Adelina walked to her daughter and sat on the wall next to her.
Without raising her face from her knees, Jessica said, “Either I believe you and lose my father, or I assume you’re crazy, and I’m stuck in a car with a crazy person.”
Adelina slowly nodded her head and picked at her fingertips, knowing that Jessica’s accusations were deserved.
“Father was the only normality we had, you know. Carrie used to sneak us out of the house and take us to the zoo or the park or the pool or the movies or anywhere she could think of, just to get us out of your way. Because you were crazy. You were always screaming or crying or falling apart.”
Adelina closed her eyes. Then she whispered, “It’s true. Carrie was your mom because I couldn’t be.”
“Yeah, but who took care of her? Who took care of Julia? ”
“I think maybe God protected them,” Adelina said. “I couldn’t. You’re right. I was literally out of my mind with fear. All the time. I’m so sorry, Jessica. I’m sorry I failed you.”
Jessica choked a sob. “Are you kidding me?” she spit out. “You’re sorry? Do you know what it’s like to not be able to bring your friends home because you think your mother might be having a freak out? Do you know what it’s like to grow up in a house where everyone goes from cold to hateful in just a second?”
Adelina took Jessica’s hands in hers. She looked her daughter in the eyes and whispered, “If I could take it all back, I would. If I could make it better, I would.”
Jessica’s eyes welled up, and tears began to run down her face. “Mama,” she whispered, reaching out.
Adelina pulled her daughter close. Jessica began to cry. First a thin, reedy cry, but soon she was wailing in great open-throated sobs, her shoulders shaking, her face buried in her mother’s shoulder. Adelina knew it wasn’t just this revelation she was crying for. She was crying for her lost love. She was crying for her twin, still recovering from an accident thousands of miles away. She was crying for all of the lost moments, the isolation and the quiet cold in their home. She was crying for the father she was losing, the father she’d never had.
Adelina. February 12, 1984
The alarm blared in a grating, angry tone, startling Adelina awake. She rolled over, groggy. She’d been awakened twice
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