ask, cursing myself for the lack of face cards. I want a real explanation.
"Yes."
I sit back, rocked by a heaviness filling my lungs, forming into a clump in my throat. My eyes sting.
But I lose the next round, silencing me and I sigh, wondering what this tightness is, knowing my answer will not come soon.
"Have you ever met the queen?"
"Yes," I say but empty my mind. I do not want to think of that woman.
"What was your favorite part of life back in Kardenia?" Maddy asks, taking advantage of a face card win with a king.
"The wall," I say quickly, no speck of doubt in my mind. "Walking the wall always felt very peaceful, sort of like I was alone, stuck in between two different worlds. And beyond the wall, exploring the city, I liked that too. The buildings, the museums, the library. All of it just waiting for me."
Another question whirls in her mind, flashing behind her eyes, but she holds back, abiding by the rules.
"You can ask," I tell her, putting my cards to the side.
"What is New York like? Now, I mean, abandoned and everything. I've seen pictures from before and scenes from movies and things."
"Still majestic, in an odd sort of way. I'm told it used to smell, from all of the people who died during the earthquake, but it's been a long time since then. A lot of the guards still don't like it out there, but I do. There's something beautiful about the destruction. Not the broken parts, but when you find a place that is untouched, unchanged, like a moment trapped in time." I shrug, unsure of how to explain it.
But it's like the library—the windows are broken, the chandeliers have fallen to the ground, the walls are covered in grime. But, my breath still catches when I enter. Or when I happen across an apartment that hasn't been gazed upon in more than a decade. There are still clothes hanging in the closet, still dishes in the washer, still an unmade bed, and it feels like I've found something secret, as though the world itself is dreaming.
There is a different sort of magic that lingers in the old buildings, pockets of wonder I can't begin to explain.
But Maddy accepts my words, as lacking as they were, and her eyes blank just a little as she tries to imagine the scene. In turn, I wonder how odd it must be to live life underground when the whole world waits just a few feet overhead.
"Can I ask you something?"
My words startle her, but Maddy instantly nods her head, multiple times, and her face lights up. Her cards, I notice, have also been discarded. But that was the whole point after all.
Two questions linger in the back of my mind, but I choose the easier one. We have left talk of love behind, and my mind feels clearer, less constricted. I will ask her about it eventually, when I am ready, when the idea does not overwhelm me.
"Why do you want to be a doctor?"
"My father," she says quietly, barely a whisper. A gentle expression stretches across her face, smoothes it, relaxes it, until I almost do not recognize her. The pent up energy is submerged under whatever memory holds her captive. "My dad, he was an army doctor."
"Was?"
Maddy looks up, eyes downturned just slightly. "I mean, I guess he still could be, but I haven't seen him since the earthquake. He was part of the original teams that marched on Kardenia, you know, back in the early days before we really knew what we were fighting. I don't think any of them returned."
Then she meets my gaze, pleading. And I understand.
I speed through my thoughts, faces flashing before my eyes, but none matches with hers. I shake my head slightly. Maddy blinks once, holding her eyes closed just a second too long, before opening and shrugging it off.
But I grab her hand, suddenly anxious to make her feel better, to turn the fake smile into a real one, to bring this energetic girl back to life.
"There are tons of people in Kardenia, and I know barely any of them. I don't even think I could name all the members of the guard, just the few I work with. Your dad
"Yes."
I sit back, rocked by a heaviness filling my lungs, forming into a clump in my throat. My eyes sting.
But I lose the next round, silencing me and I sigh, wondering what this tightness is, knowing my answer will not come soon.
"Have you ever met the queen?"
"Yes," I say but empty my mind. I do not want to think of that woman.
"What was your favorite part of life back in Kardenia?" Maddy asks, taking advantage of a face card win with a king.
"The wall," I say quickly, no speck of doubt in my mind. "Walking the wall always felt very peaceful, sort of like I was alone, stuck in between two different worlds. And beyond the wall, exploring the city, I liked that too. The buildings, the museums, the library. All of it just waiting for me."
Another question whirls in her mind, flashing behind her eyes, but she holds back, abiding by the rules.
"You can ask," I tell her, putting my cards to the side.
"What is New York like? Now, I mean, abandoned and everything. I've seen pictures from before and scenes from movies and things."
"Still majestic, in an odd sort of way. I'm told it used to smell, from all of the people who died during the earthquake, but it's been a long time since then. A lot of the guards still don't like it out there, but I do. There's something beautiful about the destruction. Not the broken parts, but when you find a place that is untouched, unchanged, like a moment trapped in time." I shrug, unsure of how to explain it.
But it's like the library—the windows are broken, the chandeliers have fallen to the ground, the walls are covered in grime. But, my breath still catches when I enter. Or when I happen across an apartment that hasn't been gazed upon in more than a decade. There are still clothes hanging in the closet, still dishes in the washer, still an unmade bed, and it feels like I've found something secret, as though the world itself is dreaming.
There is a different sort of magic that lingers in the old buildings, pockets of wonder I can't begin to explain.
But Maddy accepts my words, as lacking as they were, and her eyes blank just a little as she tries to imagine the scene. In turn, I wonder how odd it must be to live life underground when the whole world waits just a few feet overhead.
"Can I ask you something?"
My words startle her, but Maddy instantly nods her head, multiple times, and her face lights up. Her cards, I notice, have also been discarded. But that was the whole point after all.
Two questions linger in the back of my mind, but I choose the easier one. We have left talk of love behind, and my mind feels clearer, less constricted. I will ask her about it eventually, when I am ready, when the idea does not overwhelm me.
"Why do you want to be a doctor?"
"My father," she says quietly, barely a whisper. A gentle expression stretches across her face, smoothes it, relaxes it, until I almost do not recognize her. The pent up energy is submerged under whatever memory holds her captive. "My dad, he was an army doctor."
"Was?"
Maddy looks up, eyes downturned just slightly. "I mean, I guess he still could be, but I haven't seen him since the earthquake. He was part of the original teams that marched on Kardenia, you know, back in the early days before we really knew what we were fighting. I don't think any of them returned."
Then she meets my gaze, pleading. And I understand.
I speed through my thoughts, faces flashing before my eyes, but none matches with hers. I shake my head slightly. Maddy blinks once, holding her eyes closed just a second too long, before opening and shrugging it off.
But I grab her hand, suddenly anxious to make her feel better, to turn the fake smile into a real one, to bring this energetic girl back to life.
"There are tons of people in Kardenia, and I know barely any of them. I don't even think I could name all the members of the guard, just the few I work with. Your dad
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