him.â
âNo,â she said, shaking her head. âHeâs still alive ⦠we could bring him back to life again.â
âJill ââ I began, moving toward her; but she screamed, âDonât touch me! Youâve killed him! Donât touch me!â
I tried to snatch at her wrist, but she pulled herself away, and ran for the door.
âJill! Jill, listen!â
She was out in the corridor before I could stop her, and running toward the elevator. The elevator doors opened and the Italian-looking man stepped out, looking surprised. Jill pushed her way into the elevator and hammered wildly at the buttons.
âNo!â she screamed. âNo!â
I went after her, but the Italian-looking man deliberately blocked my way.
âThatâs my wife!â I yelled at him. âGet out of my goddamned way!â
âCome on, friend, give her some breathing-space,â the man told me, and pushed me in the chest with the flat of his hand. Desperately, I saw the elevator doors close and Jill disappear.
âFor Godâs sake,â I snarled at the man. âYou donât know what youâve done!â
I shoved my way past him and hurtled down the stairs, three stairs at a time, until I reached the lobby. The doorman said, âHey, man, whatâs going on?â and caught at my arm.
He delayed me for only a second; but it was a second too long. The swing doors were just closing and Jill was already halfway across the sidewalk, running into Central Park South.
âJill!â I shouted at her. She couldnât possibly have heard me. She didnât even hear the cab that hit her as she crossed the road, and sent her hurtling over its roof, her arms spread wide as if she were trying to fly. I pushed open the swing doors and I heard her fall. I heard screams and traffic and the screeching of brakes. Then I didnât hear anything, either.
It was a strange and grisly task, removing Robbieâs bodyfrom Willeyâs apartment. But there was no blood, no evidence of murder, and nobody would report him missing. I buried him deep in the woods beyond White Plains, in a place where we used to play when we were boys.
We buried Jill a week later, on a warm sunny day when the whole world seemed to be coming to life. Her mother wouldnât stop sobbing. Her father wouldnât speak to me. The police report had exonerated me from any possible blame, but grief knows no logic.
I took two weeks away from work after the funeral and went to stay at a friendâs house in the Hamptons, and got drunk most of the time. I was still in shock; and I didnât know how long it was going to take me to get over it.
Down on the seashore, with the gulls circling all around me, I suppose I found some kind of unsteady peace of mind. I returned to the city on a dark threatening Thursday afternoon. I felt exhausted and hung-over, and I planned to spend the weekend quietly relaxing before returning to work on Monday. Maybe I would go to the zoo. Jill had always liked going to the zoo, more to look at the people than the animals.
I unlocked the door of my apartment and tossed my bag into the hallway. Then I went through to the kitchen and took a bottle of cold Chablis out of the icebox. Hair of the dog, I thought to myself. I switched on the television just in time to see the end credits of
As The World Turns
. I poured myself some wine; and then, whistling, went through to the bedroom.
I said, âOh Christ,â and dropped my full glass of wine on to my foot.
She was lying on top of the comforter naked, not smiling, but her thighs provocatively apart. Her skin had a grayish-blue sheen, as if it would be greasy to touch, but it wasnât decayed. Her hair was brushed and her lips were painted red and there was purple eye-shadow over her eyes.
âJill?â I breathed. I felt for one implosive instant that I was going mad.
âI used the spare key from the crack in
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