person unless there's very apparent attractive personality...
I hope you understand what I mean. I’m sorry that you sometimes feel like an outlet for my repression...this gets to me a bit because my feelings are so real and as you say I could have a hundred ways to get someone hot beside me, to escape from my parallel existence and I don’t think that you are away... or at least only escape from the daily grind...whether you understand it or not, it’s a world I belong to in every way, not just a hypocritical coverstory...there is hypocrisy...and, just as there is in anything, I realize this...as I was saying the other day, everyone has a hidden world that others can’t really understand and never will. At this point in my life I the people around me aren’t ready to understand or accept my other world. They wouldn’t understand my decision, and it would cause me a lot of shit...
I still don’t have a full life, independent, free from limits and all this because I still don’t have the necessary base that would let me make my choices in life freely without worrying about the consequences. You are much more to me than just a window onto my parallel existence...until now I’ve only known men without depth and even if they did they didn’t accept their gay side. You are the first person I’ve been able to speak to as a friend. And you make me laugh and feel good as a lover. You are the first with whom I’ve been able to be a man who likes being with another man...
I’m not feeling too stable, and you definitely help me staying near and giving me your love, you’re a precious asset and I don’t want to lose you...and about me leaving, well this is just what I’m saying now, who knows when I’ll graduate what will happen in my life and on what roads my choices will take me...everything is still to be seen…I hope that all these words are not lost on you...it’s time I went back to studyin...kisses...Carmen Consoli’s “The Last Kiss” and it’s such a nice tune. I don’t think this is my last kiss though. I love you. Your Lorenzo.”
He read it twice and his eyes welled a single tear. Lorenzo really liked him, and he was starting to love him but his heart still hadn’t thawed entirely. He went to bed and thought about it all night.
***
The following day he went to the beach knowing that Lorenzo wouldn't be there because of other commitments. That outlying part of the beach was known as a dangerous place because of the many men, who in addition to a simple swim, were looking for sex.
Rosario had adventures every time he went there alone, since others would lead him on and he would let himself be lead on. Rosario found the rock he defined as his rock; it was comfortable. Years earlier someone had covered the area in cement to level off the uneven rocks. And he was always annoyed if someone had taken the spot. However he had arrived early and found it free. Shortly a young guy approached and settled on a nearby rock, and threw eloquent glances at him. He was nice and Rosario had to be strong and to resist him until eventually the boy gave up and wandered off.
There would be other repressed temptations that afternoon. It would be hard, but he didn’t want to be unfair with Lorenzo, who really loved him and confided in him. Perhaps he really was beginning to fall in love with him too, he still didn’t really understand or maybe he did, but he avoided thinking about it. He didn't want to admit that something inside him really was changing. In any case, Sunday held nothing. Lorenzo called, asked him how he was and confirmed the appointment the following day for the blood test.
***
As usual Rosario was punctual but Lorenzo arrived twenty minutes late, but he expected it now and wasn’t angry.
“Why do you want to do this test?” the doctor asked
Rosario.
“I’ve had relations with other men.”
“People you know?”
“No! I didn’t know them, but now I’m with someone
and want peace of
I hope you understand what I mean. I’m sorry that you sometimes feel like an outlet for my repression...this gets to me a bit because my feelings are so real and as you say I could have a hundred ways to get someone hot beside me, to escape from my parallel existence and I don’t think that you are away... or at least only escape from the daily grind...whether you understand it or not, it’s a world I belong to in every way, not just a hypocritical coverstory...there is hypocrisy...and, just as there is in anything, I realize this...as I was saying the other day, everyone has a hidden world that others can’t really understand and never will. At this point in my life I the people around me aren’t ready to understand or accept my other world. They wouldn’t understand my decision, and it would cause me a lot of shit...
I still don’t have a full life, independent, free from limits and all this because I still don’t have the necessary base that would let me make my choices in life freely without worrying about the consequences. You are much more to me than just a window onto my parallel existence...until now I’ve only known men without depth and even if they did they didn’t accept their gay side. You are the first person I’ve been able to speak to as a friend. And you make me laugh and feel good as a lover. You are the first with whom I’ve been able to be a man who likes being with another man...
I’m not feeling too stable, and you definitely help me staying near and giving me your love, you’re a precious asset and I don’t want to lose you...and about me leaving, well this is just what I’m saying now, who knows when I’ll graduate what will happen in my life and on what roads my choices will take me...everything is still to be seen…I hope that all these words are not lost on you...it’s time I went back to studyin...kisses...Carmen Consoli’s “The Last Kiss” and it’s such a nice tune. I don’t think this is my last kiss though. I love you. Your Lorenzo.”
He read it twice and his eyes welled a single tear. Lorenzo really liked him, and he was starting to love him but his heart still hadn’t thawed entirely. He went to bed and thought about it all night.
***
The following day he went to the beach knowing that Lorenzo wouldn't be there because of other commitments. That outlying part of the beach was known as a dangerous place because of the many men, who in addition to a simple swim, were looking for sex.
Rosario had adventures every time he went there alone, since others would lead him on and he would let himself be lead on. Rosario found the rock he defined as his rock; it was comfortable. Years earlier someone had covered the area in cement to level off the uneven rocks. And he was always annoyed if someone had taken the spot. However he had arrived early and found it free. Shortly a young guy approached and settled on a nearby rock, and threw eloquent glances at him. He was nice and Rosario had to be strong and to resist him until eventually the boy gave up and wandered off.
There would be other repressed temptations that afternoon. It would be hard, but he didn’t want to be unfair with Lorenzo, who really loved him and confided in him. Perhaps he really was beginning to fall in love with him too, he still didn’t really understand or maybe he did, but he avoided thinking about it. He didn't want to admit that something inside him really was changing. In any case, Sunday held nothing. Lorenzo called, asked him how he was and confirmed the appointment the following day for the blood test.
***
As usual Rosario was punctual but Lorenzo arrived twenty minutes late, but he expected it now and wasn’t angry.
“Why do you want to do this test?” the doctor asked
Rosario.
“I’ve had relations with other men.”
“People you know?”
“No! I didn’t know them, but now I’m with someone
and want peace of
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