would be dead. Hearing her diagnosis had stopped me from ending it then but if there is an afterlife I will see her there soon.
The concept that there is some Heaven somewhere is not new. Every religion has its own version whether it be a place on top of the clouds where we find everyone we have lost, or our souls choosing another form and returning back to this life. As intelligent beings many of us have decided that there has to be something more. I am not sure if this need for something more has come from anxiety of letting go of the very things we have depended on our whole lives or if it is the incapacity of us to quantify everything around us therefor understanding that there is this stuff that is still beyond our understanding.
My stomach turns with the thought of an afterlife. I had never been raised around religion but I had always been curious about it. In my profession it is around me all the time. When people struggle with life they look to a source beyond themselves, someone to count on, someone to be accountable to or someone to blame. I had tried church a few times with Elliot’s family but I always felt I didn’t belong, that somehow they would know how much I still hated my mother. I worried they would know how I had prayed to a God I didn’t know to take her and end my misery...and how I stopped believing He would come after years of cleaning up vomit and crying myself to sleep.
Losing my baby had been the final straw. I remember laying in the hospital bed alone, bleeding, and feeling like God had finally settled the score. I had prayed for years that he would take a life, and then finally he did but it was that of my baby. We are even I am sure, just as my client had made her peace with Him, so had I. Now He was taking Courtney from me so the way I see it He owes me one.
Afterlife or no afterlife, it no longer matters. Whatever is out there, dirt or a new beginning has to be better than the pain and grief I feel here. I am surrounded by death and loss, sorrow paints every wall around me.
I hear Matt leave the hallway and my heart aches knowing he needs me but I am not available to help. I will be another death for him, but mine will be the kind he knows how to survive. It will be the kind that just happens, out of nowhere not Court’s kind which tortures your soul with ever last minute you try to say goodbye, waiting for death to come claim her.
When I know the hall is clear I slip out of my room and make my way to Court’s door. Turning the knob I take a deep breath one last time to gather any strength I might have to face what is on the other side. Feeling a presence at the end of the hall I look to see what has pulled my attention. When our eyes meet we stand for a minute locked into an unspoken conversation. Matt nods his head as if to acknowledge the pain I am about to face and to offer the encouragement I might need. I raise the corners of my mouth in a tight smile to say thanks, then turn back to the door that separates the living from the dying.
Chapter 24 Cait
Courtney is asleep on her bed but when I enter she turns to me and opens her eyes. She smiles and pats the bed next to her inviting me to sit beside her. My feet have never felt so heavy and my heart aches more with each step I take. I am still in my pajamas so I climb in next to her and wrap my arm over her frail body. I rest my chin on her shoulder and touch my forehead to her cheek. Courtney pats my arm and I can see her bottom lip quiver as she turns her head away from me.
“I am so sorry I asked you to be here Cait, it was selfish of me. I know what you have been through and you shouldn’t have to watch me die. I was just so scared to be alone.”
A whimper escapes my throat and I swallow in an attempt to keep more from coming. “You never could have stopped me