would be dead. Hearing her diagnosis had
stopped me from ending it then but if there is an afterlife I will see her
there soon.
The concept that there is some Heaven somewhere is not new. Every
religion has its own version whether it be a place on
top of the clouds where we find everyone we have lost, or our souls choosing
another form and returning back to this life. As intelligent beings many
of us have decided that there has to be something more. I am not sure if
this need for something more has come from anxiety of letting go of the very
things we have depended on our whole lives or if it is the incapacity of us to
quantify everything around us therefor understanding that there is this stuff
that is still beyond our understanding.
My stomach turns with the thought of an afterlife. I had never been
raised around religion but I had always been curious about it. In my
profession it is around me all the time. When people struggle with life
they look to a source beyond themselves, someone to count on, someone to be
accountable to or someone to blame. I had tried church a few times with
Elliot’s family but I always felt I didn’t belong, that somehow they would know
how much I still hated my mother. I worried they would know how I had
prayed to a God I didn’t know to take her and end my misery...and how I stopped
believing He would come after years of cleaning up vomit and crying myself to
sleep.
Losing my baby had been the final straw. I remember laying in the hospital bed alone, bleeding, and feeling like God had finally settled
the score. I had prayed for years that he would take a life, and then
finally he did but it was that of my baby. We are even I am sure, just as
my client had made her peace with Him, so had I. Now He was taking
Courtney from me so the way I see it He owes me one.
Afterlife or no afterlife, it no longer matters. Whatever is out there,
dirt or a new beginning has to be better than the pain and grief I feel
here. I am surrounded by death and loss, sorrow
paints every wall around me.
I hear Matt leave the hallway and my heart aches knowing he needs me but I am
not available to help. I will be another death for him, but mine will be
the kind he knows how to survive. It will be the kind that just happens, out of
nowhere not Court’s kind which tortures your soul with
ever last minute you try to say goodbye, waiting for death to come claim
her.
When I know the hall is clear I slip out of my room and make my way to Court’s
door. Turning the knob I take a deep breath one last time to gather any
strength I might have to face what is on the other side. Feeling a
presence at the end of the hall I look to see what has pulled my
attention. When our eyes meet we stand for a minute locked into an
unspoken conversation. Matt nods his head as if to acknowledge the pain I
am about to face and to offer the encouragement I might need. I raise the
corners of my mouth in a tight smile to say thanks, then turn back to the door that separates the living from the dying.
Chapter 24
Cait
Courtney is asleep on her bed but when I enter she turns to me and opens her
eyes. She smiles and pats the bed next to her inviting me to sit beside
her. My feet have never felt so heavy and my heart aches more with each
step I take. I am still in my pajamas so I climb in next to her and wrap my
arm over her frail body. I rest my chin on her shoulder and touch my
forehead to her cheek. Courtney pats my arm and I can see her bottom lip
quiver as she turns her head away from me.
“I am so sorry I asked you to be here Cait, it was selfish of me. I know
what you have been through and you shouldn’t have to watch me die. I was
just so scared to be alone.”
A whimper escapes my throat and I swallow in an attempt to keep more from
coming. “You never could have stopped me
stopped me from ending it then but if there is an afterlife I will see her
there soon.
The concept that there is some Heaven somewhere is not new. Every
religion has its own version whether it be a place on
top of the clouds where we find everyone we have lost, or our souls choosing
another form and returning back to this life. As intelligent beings many
of us have decided that there has to be something more. I am not sure if
this need for something more has come from anxiety of letting go of the very
things we have depended on our whole lives or if it is the incapacity of us to
quantify everything around us therefor understanding that there is this stuff
that is still beyond our understanding.
My stomach turns with the thought of an afterlife. I had never been
raised around religion but I had always been curious about it. In my
profession it is around me all the time. When people struggle with life
they look to a source beyond themselves, someone to count on, someone to be
accountable to or someone to blame. I had tried church a few times with
Elliot’s family but I always felt I didn’t belong, that somehow they would know
how much I still hated my mother. I worried they would know how I had
prayed to a God I didn’t know to take her and end my misery...and how I stopped
believing He would come after years of cleaning up vomit and crying myself to
sleep.
Losing my baby had been the final straw. I remember laying in the hospital bed alone, bleeding, and feeling like God had finally settled
the score. I had prayed for years that he would take a life, and then
finally he did but it was that of my baby. We are even I am sure, just as
my client had made her peace with Him, so had I. Now He was taking
Courtney from me so the way I see it He owes me one.
Afterlife or no afterlife, it no longer matters. Whatever is out there,
dirt or a new beginning has to be better than the pain and grief I feel
here. I am surrounded by death and loss, sorrow
paints every wall around me.
I hear Matt leave the hallway and my heart aches knowing he needs me but I am
not available to help. I will be another death for him, but mine will be
the kind he knows how to survive. It will be the kind that just happens, out of
nowhere not Court’s kind which tortures your soul with
ever last minute you try to say goodbye, waiting for death to come claim
her.
When I know the hall is clear I slip out of my room and make my way to Court’s
door. Turning the knob I take a deep breath one last time to gather any
strength I might have to face what is on the other side. Feeling a
presence at the end of the hall I look to see what has pulled my
attention. When our eyes meet we stand for a minute locked into an
unspoken conversation. Matt nods his head as if to acknowledge the pain I
am about to face and to offer the encouragement I might need. I raise the
corners of my mouth in a tight smile to say thanks, then turn back to the door that separates the living from the dying.
Chapter 24
Cait
Courtney is asleep on her bed but when I enter she turns to me and opens her
eyes. She smiles and pats the bed next to her inviting me to sit beside
her. My feet have never felt so heavy and my heart aches more with each
step I take. I am still in my pajamas so I climb in next to her and wrap my
arm over her frail body. I rest my chin on her shoulder and touch my
forehead to her cheek. Courtney pats my arm and I can see her bottom lip
quiver as she turns her head away from me.
“I am so sorry I asked you to be here Cait, it was selfish of me. I know
what you have been through and you shouldn’t have to watch me die. I was
just so scared to be alone.”
A whimper escapes my throat and I swallow in an attempt to keep more from
coming. “You never could have stopped me
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