Finding Cait by Sarah White Page B

back to Matt and then tuck my head
back into her neck until she falls asleep.  When I hear her breaths even
out I look up to Matt again and he is standing at the end of the bed with his
arms crossed, leaning on the dresser. 
        
“I couldn’t tell her it was ok,” I say to him and then feel my lip start to
quiver again.  My voice rushes out of my throat being pushed by the
muscles that clench around it. 
        
“She needs that Cait” he says as he walks around to the side of the bad where I
am.  He sits on the edge of the bed and looks down at me, “It is almost
lunch and she is going to be asleep for a few hours again.  Let’s walk
down to that little café and grab a sandwich.”  The thought of eating
makes me nauseous but I know he can sense that I am suffocating here so I
agree.
        
“Give me a few minutes to take a shower” I say as I climb out of her bed and
try to stand but my knees feel so weak beneath me.  Heading down the hall
to my room I am heartbroken and lost.  If only I could have the strength I
have had in the past, to face this loss like the others, but I don’t. 
Nothing more can be taken from me and that emptiness inside me is growing wider
each hour that passes. 
        
I don’t remember taking a shower but before I know it I am standing in the
living room putting on my sweatshirt.  Matt puts a key to the house under
a small plant as we leave and soon we are walking down the quiet road towards
the café. The heaviness on our hearts weighs us down and I blink my eyes in an
effort to soothe them from the wind as my crying has left them sore and
defenseless. 
        
Matt grabs at a low branch that is hanging over the sidewalk and then breaks
the branch into pieces and throws it aimlessly out into the empty road one
piece at a time.  My phone vibrates in my pocket so I pull it out to
confirm my suspicion that it is Elliot again.  I click the ignore button
and the phone stops vibrating as his call is sent to voicemail.
        
“You are going to have to talk to him sometime,” Matt says as he throws the last
piece into the street.
        
“I know.  I just can’t bring myself to hear his voice.  I didn’t ask
for anything so there should be nothing to argue
over.  All that is left are his questions and I don’t feel I owe him those
answers.”  I tuck a strand of my hair back that has fallen from my
ponytail. 
        
“You are right, you don’t owe him anything but avoiding him is clearly not
making him go away.  Why are you not asking for anything? You built that
life together,” he says staring straight into my eyes until I look away.
        
“It is all just stuff and to be honest it is suffocating me.  He can have
it all, I don’t need any of it.”  My eyes find their way to the street to
avoid meeting Matt’s.
        
“You’re something else, you know that,” he chuckles, “so what is your plan?”
        
My plan is to die but I can’t share that with him so instead I just shrug my
shoulders and look ahead.  We are close to the café now so I just hope he
doesn’t ask me more about it before the people on the patio of the small café
can distract us. 
        
“I know it isn’t my business, I’m sorry,” I can hear the hurt in his voice
while he shakes his head and looks forward to the busy café. 
        
“It’s not a big deal, I guess I will just rebuild my life without him,” a
thought that had never been able to leave my mouth before.  A few months
ago there was no life without him and now as I walk to the busy café I start to
wonder what that life might look like.  It doesn’t really matter now, I know that losing Courtney will make living impossible. 
        
We order our sandwiches and I try to pay but Matt insists.  We find a nice
table at the corner of the patio and wait for our sandwiches.  I decide
that the only way to get the conversation off of my life was to ask about his.
“So