Finding Amy by Sharon Poppen Page A

of many options.  Amy was a silent observer.  None of us thought to solicit her opinion.
    It was Jeff, bless his heart, who said to her, “Mrs. Lawrence, I don’t want you to worry about Susie.  I love her and will be kind and gentle to her.  I will always treat her with the utmost respect.”
    Amy smiled and took his hand.  “I know you will, Jeff.  I never worry about Susie when I know she’s with you.”  She looked over at me.  “You are very much like her father and Susie had the good sense to see that.  I’m happy for you both.  I believe you will have a wonderful life together.”
    “Thank you, Mrs. Lawrence.”
    She smiled and pulled her hand from him. “Now, if you’ll all excuse me I’m a little tired.  I’d like to go to my room.”
    We all stood and bid her goodnight as she headed up the stairs.
    Susie walked Jeff to the door and they said their goodnights.  When Susie came back into the parlor, I patted the sofa next to me.  It had been our nicest evening since Amy’s ill-fated birthday party.
    “Want to talk, honey?”
    Susie curled up against me.  “I do.  How did you know?”
    “I like to think I know my little girl pretty well.  That is in most things.”  I smiled and raised my eyebrows in question.
    She blushed, then smiled back.  She focused on the ceiling.  “I was seeing a lot of grandmother and mother just before the prom and they had me feeling funny about a lot of things.  They got me to wondering about things they said or insinuated.  Like what you did to mother.”  I groaned.  She took my hand and looked at me.  “Never, for a minute did I blame you for anything.  What happened between you and mother is none of my business.  As for me, you have always been the kindest most patient father.  If you did …, um did …”
    “Baby, I must be honest with you.”  She tried to interrupt, but I put my finger to her mouth as I continued.  “What I did to your mother was in essence a rape.  I was insensitive to her feelings.  I have always regretted my impatient actions.”
    “Doc Andrews told me that you had waited and tried to be understanding, but that mother had quit trying to resolve her problems and that’s what made you angry.”
    “It’s no excuse for …”
    This time, she refused to be quieted. She interrupted me.  “At any rate, I was becoming afraid that maybe they were right.  But I also knew I really cared about Jeff and I liked the way I felt when we were together or thought about him.  Jeff has always been wonderful to me.  But, what if they were right.  Oh God, I didn’t want what they said about men to be true.  My common sense told me to look at Grandpa and Grandma Lawrence, Uncle Phil and Aunt Pat, and Uncle Tom and Aunt Kelly.  But, I was spending so much time with mother and grandmother that I lost some of my perspective.  I thought about the fact that you and mother did not share a bed.”  She looked away and then met my eyes.  “I also knew about your nights out.”
    Her words were like a knife plunged right into my heart.  I had let her down.  I had caused her such pain.  I gathered her into my arms.  She came willingly and snuggled close.  I whispered through my silent tears, “Oh, my baby.  I’m sorry.  So very sorry.”
    She stayed in my embrace as she continued, “Then the prom came with a perfect opportunity to be with Jeff, all night.  I decided that this would be as good a night as any to see how things really were.”  With this, she pulled out of my embrace and looked up at me.  “Daddy, I don’t want you to hold any bad feelings about Jeff, because I seduced him.  He said no, but I was insistent.  It’s a wonder he has any respect for me at all.  I’m so lucky he still loves me.  But I knew I had to find out about myself.  In reality, I used him.  He was wonderful.  It was the first experience for both of us.  We were awkward and a bit embarrassed, but it was still beautiful and