everyone does everything. E.g. The postman just kind of strolls along the footpath and men flicks through his letters before he puts them in the boxes; the woman at the fish and chips shop stares out of the window for a while before she thinks about putting the potatoes in the oil.
And you should hear how long my Maths teacher takes to tell us what we’re meant to do for homework. This is an example: ‘Probably the – ah – best – er – thing (cough) – at this stage of the game – ah – is – for you to try your – ah – hand, at the, what shall we say? Shall we say the – er – 7th and 8th – ah, no – yes, I think, I would say we should – er – discuss – yes, shall we say the 6th? Not the 6th! Crazy me! Wait on! Sit still! The 7th – yes, ah, er, the 7th unit in chapter, what chapter is that in? What chapter are we in? Ah. Yes, chapter 13. So let me ah er ah er ah er go over that one more time . . .’
And that’s the biggest waste of time of them all because not one single person in my class does Maths homework.
Anyway, it would be so easy to make these kind of people do stuff more quickly. E.g. You could say to them: ‘HURRY UP.’
You could hire a team of huge men with voices that sound like they need to clear their throat, plus a team of scraggy little women with shrieking voices (my History teacher would be an example), and you could get these people just to run around behind the slow people, shouting, ‘GO FASTER, HURRY UP, TOO SLOW.’
You could get some weight-lifting muscle-man leaning over my Maths teacher’s shoulder, going ‘get a bloody move on, you moron’.
I shouldn’t have talked about weight-lifting. Now I’m thinking about Derek’s body again.
But anyway, so I’m not having a baby and I’ve got a career sorted out, so I feel much better.
Oh and guess what? Maddie’s coma-boy woke up. But guess what else? Maddie’s already in love with somebody else – it’s that first guy who she’s been in love with all along. You know she started going out with coma-boy so she could make his friend jealous? So the friend came to the hospital to visit coma-boy while Maddie was there, singing lullabies for him. And the friend tells Maddie she’s got the most beautiful lullaby voice he ever encountered. So coma-boy wakes up, and Maddie tells him she’s leaving him for his best friend. Nice. It’s amazing he didn’t fall back into a coma. She hadn’t even got the best friend yet, but that’s her style: she just announces she’s going to get someone and she does. I guess him liking her singing voice is a pretty big start because man, she’s got the worst singing voice.
OKAY, I have to go. I almost said ‘see you soon’ just men,but I guess I won’t. We should meet some time though, don’t you reckon?
Love from Christina
Dear Christina,
I just finished reading all the letters that you sent while I was away. My English teacher collected them for me and labelled them and everything. DON’T WORRY. He didn’t read them. The envelopes were sealed up properly. I checked.
I am so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so sorry that I wasn’t here when you were going through all that stuff.
I feel really guilty. I hate myself. I’m so glad that you feel better now, and you’re not pregnant and everything. And you’ve got a career. Management consultant. That sounds cool.
But you and Derek broke up and I can’t believe it. You sound like you’re coping well, but I bet you’re really sad. Do you think there’s any chance of getting back together? Are you okay?
Getting your letters was the best thing that happened to me all day. I waited till I got home to read them, so that I’d have something to look forward to. Then I read them lying on my bed and eating a raspberry pop-tart. I hope that’s all right.
Something happened to me but I don’t really feel like talking about it. For one thing I’m always talking about myself instead of about you,
And you should hear how long my Maths teacher takes to tell us what we’re meant to do for homework. This is an example: ‘Probably the – ah – best – er – thing (cough) – at this stage of the game – ah – is – for you to try your – ah – hand, at the, what shall we say? Shall we say the – er – 7th and 8th – ah, no – yes, I think, I would say we should – er – discuss – yes, shall we say the 6th? Not the 6th! Crazy me! Wait on! Sit still! The 7th – yes, ah, er, the 7th unit in chapter, what chapter is that in? What chapter are we in? Ah. Yes, chapter 13. So let me ah er ah er ah er go over that one more time . . .’
And that’s the biggest waste of time of them all because not one single person in my class does Maths homework.
Anyway, it would be so easy to make these kind of people do stuff more quickly. E.g. You could say to them: ‘HURRY UP.’
You could hire a team of huge men with voices that sound like they need to clear their throat, plus a team of scraggy little women with shrieking voices (my History teacher would be an example), and you could get these people just to run around behind the slow people, shouting, ‘GO FASTER, HURRY UP, TOO SLOW.’
You could get some weight-lifting muscle-man leaning over my Maths teacher’s shoulder, going ‘get a bloody move on, you moron’.
I shouldn’t have talked about weight-lifting. Now I’m thinking about Derek’s body again.
But anyway, so I’m not having a baby and I’ve got a career sorted out, so I feel much better.
Oh and guess what? Maddie’s coma-boy woke up. But guess what else? Maddie’s already in love with somebody else – it’s that first guy who she’s been in love with all along. You know she started going out with coma-boy so she could make his friend jealous? So the friend came to the hospital to visit coma-boy while Maddie was there, singing lullabies for him. And the friend tells Maddie she’s got the most beautiful lullaby voice he ever encountered. So coma-boy wakes up, and Maddie tells him she’s leaving him for his best friend. Nice. It’s amazing he didn’t fall back into a coma. She hadn’t even got the best friend yet, but that’s her style: she just announces she’s going to get someone and she does. I guess him liking her singing voice is a pretty big start because man, she’s got the worst singing voice.
OKAY, I have to go. I almost said ‘see you soon’ just men,but I guess I won’t. We should meet some time though, don’t you reckon?
Love from Christina
Dear Christina,
I just finished reading all the letters that you sent while I was away. My English teacher collected them for me and labelled them and everything. DON’T WORRY. He didn’t read them. The envelopes were sealed up properly. I checked.
I am so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so sorry that I wasn’t here when you were going through all that stuff.
I feel really guilty. I hate myself. I’m so glad that you feel better now, and you’re not pregnant and everything. And you’ve got a career. Management consultant. That sounds cool.
But you and Derek broke up and I can’t believe it. You sound like you’re coping well, but I bet you’re really sad. Do you think there’s any chance of getting back together? Are you okay?
Getting your letters was the best thing that happened to me all day. I waited till I got home to read them, so that I’d have something to look forward to. Then I read them lying on my bed and eating a raspberry pop-tart. I hope that’s all right.
Something happened to me but I don’t really feel like talking about it. For one thing I’m always talking about myself instead of about you,
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