tone that was starting to get annoying.
“She’s not answering her phone. I’ll tell her, but if you see her, could you just tell her I won’t do anything like that again?”
“Fine. But I think you should call that counselor Beth. Maybe she could help you figure some stuff out?”
“Fuck you, Kate. I’m fine.”
“Whatever. Tell that to the kid with the broken face.”
She clicked off and I stared at the ceiling of my bedroom. Pale gray like the sky above the lake. I focused on the point above my head so long, spots started to blur my vision.
I was in hell. I had to figure out how to apologize to Ani and make sure she was okay. I texted her and called her again. I cleaned my room and then sent her an e-mail. No response.
Dad came home and dropped my keys onto my desk. His dress shirtsleeves were rolled up, but the rest of him looked as pressed and polished as always. My gaze moved from him to the triangular stone key ring. Ani had thrown away her necklace at the hospital. Tossed it like it meant nothing to her. Why?
“Would you like to discuss it?” Dad’s voice hitched, tight with an emotion I didn’t understand.
“No.”
“You know better than this.”
Eyes back to the key ring. I bit my tongue and nodded at Dad.
“Your mother talked to you about your punishment.”
I nodded again and he released a long breath.
“We talk to our family.”
“Sometimes,” I said. “But sometimes we need to figure out things for ourselves.”
He pushed his hands into his pockets. “Yes. Sometimes we do. But are you sure this is one of those times?”
I leaned back on my bed and looked at the ceiling again. His disapproval rolled over me in waves. I glanced toward Ani’s picture on the wall, then back to the key ring, and finally to my dad. “Yes. I’m sure.”
He sighed and left the room.
I checked my e-mail and phone again. And again. Nothing.
Ani was radio silent.
14
When my three-day suspension was over, I returned to school early to swim. Nothing seemed to work right in the water. My times were slow, I felt like I was pulling my arms through sludge. Coach read me the riot act about losing those days of practice, and then told me I had better keep myself clean if I wanted to get the scholarship at Iowa. I took a quick shower and went to find Ani before homeroom. Halfway down the hall, I saw her in front of her locker, scrubbing the outside of the door. I took a few steps toward her but felt an arm tug me into the alcove by the water fountain.
“Leave her be,” Kate whispered.
I glanced at Ani, then back to Kate. “What’s she doing?”
“Scrubbing her locker. Someone wrote ‘FIRECROTCH’ on it in permanent ink. She doesn’t want you to see,” Kate answered in a low voice.
“Why the hell not?”
“She’s worried you’ll freak out again.”
I swallowed the guilt gnawing at me and rolled my shoulders. “I’ll be fine. I won’t freak out.”
“She asked me to make sure you didn’t see her. This is humiliating enough for her as is.”
I peeked my head out of the alcove and watched Ani brush away angry tears. I felt like I was being gutted. “So I’m just supposed to sit here and let her take care of this on her own.”
“Yes,” Kate said. “Come find her later. Don’t make this any harder on her.”
“That’s totally ridiculous.”
Kate pointed down the hall in the other direction and shooed me away. I took a step toward Ani. It was a compulsion. I could not let her deal with this on her own.
“Use some common sense. She doesn’t want you to see this. You’ll only make it worse,” she hissed at me, and gave me the stink eye.
“Ridiculous,” I mumbled again, and watched Ani brush away more tears. I stared at Kate, drew in a big breath, and stalked off in the opposite direction. What the hell kind of boyfriend could I be if Ani wouldn’t let me help her?
After second period, I searched her out. She looked like shit, like she hadn’t been sleeping and
“She’s not answering her phone. I’ll tell her, but if you see her, could you just tell her I won’t do anything like that again?”
“Fine. But I think you should call that counselor Beth. Maybe she could help you figure some stuff out?”
“Fuck you, Kate. I’m fine.”
“Whatever. Tell that to the kid with the broken face.”
She clicked off and I stared at the ceiling of my bedroom. Pale gray like the sky above the lake. I focused on the point above my head so long, spots started to blur my vision.
I was in hell. I had to figure out how to apologize to Ani and make sure she was okay. I texted her and called her again. I cleaned my room and then sent her an e-mail. No response.
Dad came home and dropped my keys onto my desk. His dress shirtsleeves were rolled up, but the rest of him looked as pressed and polished as always. My gaze moved from him to the triangular stone key ring. Ani had thrown away her necklace at the hospital. Tossed it like it meant nothing to her. Why?
“Would you like to discuss it?” Dad’s voice hitched, tight with an emotion I didn’t understand.
“No.”
“You know better than this.”
Eyes back to the key ring. I bit my tongue and nodded at Dad.
“Your mother talked to you about your punishment.”
I nodded again and he released a long breath.
“We talk to our family.”
“Sometimes,” I said. “But sometimes we need to figure out things for ourselves.”
He pushed his hands into his pockets. “Yes. Sometimes we do. But are you sure this is one of those times?”
I leaned back on my bed and looked at the ceiling again. His disapproval rolled over me in waves. I glanced toward Ani’s picture on the wall, then back to the key ring, and finally to my dad. “Yes. I’m sure.”
He sighed and left the room.
I checked my e-mail and phone again. And again. Nothing.
Ani was radio silent.
14
When my three-day suspension was over, I returned to school early to swim. Nothing seemed to work right in the water. My times were slow, I felt like I was pulling my arms through sludge. Coach read me the riot act about losing those days of practice, and then told me I had better keep myself clean if I wanted to get the scholarship at Iowa. I took a quick shower and went to find Ani before homeroom. Halfway down the hall, I saw her in front of her locker, scrubbing the outside of the door. I took a few steps toward her but felt an arm tug me into the alcove by the water fountain.
“Leave her be,” Kate whispered.
I glanced at Ani, then back to Kate. “What’s she doing?”
“Scrubbing her locker. Someone wrote ‘FIRECROTCH’ on it in permanent ink. She doesn’t want you to see,” Kate answered in a low voice.
“Why the hell not?”
“She’s worried you’ll freak out again.”
I swallowed the guilt gnawing at me and rolled my shoulders. “I’ll be fine. I won’t freak out.”
“She asked me to make sure you didn’t see her. This is humiliating enough for her as is.”
I peeked my head out of the alcove and watched Ani brush away angry tears. I felt like I was being gutted. “So I’m just supposed to sit here and let her take care of this on her own.”
“Yes,” Kate said. “Come find her later. Don’t make this any harder on her.”
“That’s totally ridiculous.”
Kate pointed down the hall in the other direction and shooed me away. I took a step toward Ani. It was a compulsion. I could not let her deal with this on her own.
“Use some common sense. She doesn’t want you to see this. You’ll only make it worse,” she hissed at me, and gave me the stink eye.
“Ridiculous,” I mumbled again, and watched Ani brush away more tears. I stared at Kate, drew in a big breath, and stalked off in the opposite direction. What the hell kind of boyfriend could I be if Ani wouldn’t let me help her?
After second period, I searched her out. She looked like shit, like she hadn’t been sleeping and
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