person I had allowed inside my empty heart after Cade Cantrell had carved
it out so thoroughly. He was gone forever, and it was my fault for letting him stay
with me at the motel. I should’ve forced him to leave, but I was selfish and
weak. I’d never forgive myself.
So
caught up in my self-loathing and grieving, I didn’t even feel Cade take a seat
on the edge of the bed, my own sobs rocking it enough to mask the sensation. He
touched my arm, and I jumped, startled by his touch. I sat up, and he handed me
a wad of tissues. I wiped the snot and tears from my face.
“Why
did they kill him? He had nothing to do with any of it. Matt was a good man,
the best, and he didn’t need to die. It’s my fault. I should be dead, not him,
not my Matt.” I put my head in my hands and resumed the weeping.
Cade
took his hand off of my arm but spoke in a soothing tone. “It’s not your fault,
Ellia. None of this mess is your fault. You don’t deserve this and neither did
he. I am sorry about your friend. I truly mean that.”
“He
was more than my friend!” I nearly screamed. “That man loved me! He loved me
like you never did!” Cade made no reply, and I turned away from him, burying
my face in the pillow to muffle my raucous moans. I fell asleep again.
The
next time I woke, Cade was in a chair looking at the floor, lost inside his own
head. I studied him for the first time, without the threat of immediate danger
hanging around me. He had an edgy hardness about him that had never been there
when he was young. Something had gone missing from those beautiful
eyes--empathy, compassion, love? I could not be sure. A stone reproduction of
him would’ve radiated more warmth.
“What
happened to you, Cade? Why are you here? Why did you make me believe you were
dead?” I choked up again, as the memory of holding his bullet riddled body
overtook me again.
He
lifted his eyes to meet mine and took a deep breath as if getting ready for a
monumental dive. “It was the only way to keep you safe. Don’t think for a
second I didn’t agonize over that choice and don’t ever think you were the only
one that suffered for it.” He stood up and cleared his throat as he paced the
room. “I came into information that put me and everyone I knew, including you,
in grave danger, and I wouldn’t risk your life, Ellia. Every day since, I have
been trying to right the wrongs done to my family and me. I had two choices to
achieve that goal, join my father’s motorcycle club and exact revenge on those
that deserved it or join law enforcement and do things the correct and legal way.
I chose the lawful path. Leaving you, my music, and my whole identity behind,
seemed the safest way to accomplish this task. Since joining the FBI, I’ve been
mostly undercover, and it’s all geared toward taking down your dad. He is the
root of every fucking thing that has gone wrong in my life, and I plan to make
him pay for it.”
I
started to speak, but he put his hand up to stop me. “Just let me explain, and
then you can ask all the questions you want.” He ran his hands through his hair
and sat down in the chair again. “I insinuated myself deeper into your dad’s
crime organization to ensure I got assigned to your abduction. The purpose was
to protect you. It was no easy task convincing my boss to allow me to pursue
that avenue. Knowing our history, he wanted me as far from you as possible. He
was doubtful I could handle it and might end up risking the entire operation. To
be honest, I didn’t think it would be so hard to see you again. I was foolish
enough to believe …” His hands formed fists, and he crossed his arms, looking
tortured as a scowl sat on his face. “It tore me up inside to watch that
fucking bastard hurt you, and even worse, when I had to lay a hand on you
myself. Trust me, I’ve done despicable things in my life, Ellia, but that was
the worst. I couldn’t do it anymore. Director James was right--I could not
it out so thoroughly. He was gone forever, and it was my fault for letting him stay
with me at the motel. I should’ve forced him to leave, but I was selfish and
weak. I’d never forgive myself.
So
caught up in my self-loathing and grieving, I didn’t even feel Cade take a seat
on the edge of the bed, my own sobs rocking it enough to mask the sensation. He
touched my arm, and I jumped, startled by his touch. I sat up, and he handed me
a wad of tissues. I wiped the snot and tears from my face.
“Why
did they kill him? He had nothing to do with any of it. Matt was a good man,
the best, and he didn’t need to die. It’s my fault. I should be dead, not him,
not my Matt.” I put my head in my hands and resumed the weeping.
Cade
took his hand off of my arm but spoke in a soothing tone. “It’s not your fault,
Ellia. None of this mess is your fault. You don’t deserve this and neither did
he. I am sorry about your friend. I truly mean that.”
“He
was more than my friend!” I nearly screamed. “That man loved me! He loved me
like you never did!” Cade made no reply, and I turned away from him, burying
my face in the pillow to muffle my raucous moans. I fell asleep again.
The
next time I woke, Cade was in a chair looking at the floor, lost inside his own
head. I studied him for the first time, without the threat of immediate danger
hanging around me. He had an edgy hardness about him that had never been there
when he was young. Something had gone missing from those beautiful
eyes--empathy, compassion, love? I could not be sure. A stone reproduction of
him would’ve radiated more warmth.
“What
happened to you, Cade? Why are you here? Why did you make me believe you were
dead?” I choked up again, as the memory of holding his bullet riddled body
overtook me again.
He
lifted his eyes to meet mine and took a deep breath as if getting ready for a
monumental dive. “It was the only way to keep you safe. Don’t think for a
second I didn’t agonize over that choice and don’t ever think you were the only
one that suffered for it.” He stood up and cleared his throat as he paced the
room. “I came into information that put me and everyone I knew, including you,
in grave danger, and I wouldn’t risk your life, Ellia. Every day since, I have
been trying to right the wrongs done to my family and me. I had two choices to
achieve that goal, join my father’s motorcycle club and exact revenge on those
that deserved it or join law enforcement and do things the correct and legal way.
I chose the lawful path. Leaving you, my music, and my whole identity behind,
seemed the safest way to accomplish this task. Since joining the FBI, I’ve been
mostly undercover, and it’s all geared toward taking down your dad. He is the
root of every fucking thing that has gone wrong in my life, and I plan to make
him pay for it.”
I
started to speak, but he put his hand up to stop me. “Just let me explain, and
then you can ask all the questions you want.” He ran his hands through his hair
and sat down in the chair again. “I insinuated myself deeper into your dad’s
crime organization to ensure I got assigned to your abduction. The purpose was
to protect you. It was no easy task convincing my boss to allow me to pursue
that avenue. Knowing our history, he wanted me as far from you as possible. He
was doubtful I could handle it and might end up risking the entire operation. To
be honest, I didn’t think it would be so hard to see you again. I was foolish
enough to believe …” His hands formed fists, and he crossed his arms, looking
tortured as a scowl sat on his face. “It tore me up inside to watch that
fucking bastard hurt you, and even worse, when I had to lay a hand on you
myself. Trust me, I’ve done despicable things in my life, Ellia, but that was
the worst. I couldn’t do it anymore. Director James was right--I could not
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