follow
through with my objective. My cover is shot to hell, and I may have jeopardized
several years of effort.” He seemed angry at me for screwing up his life’s work.
“I
wish I could say I was sorry for fucking up your job, Cade, but that was your
decision. Maybe you should’ve stayed out of it like your boss said. I don’t
need you, and I haven’t for a long time now.” It was a complete untruth, but my
anger resurfaced to block out everything else. How dare he fault me for
this!
He
looked at me and understanding dawned on him. “I am not blaming you--that’s not
what I meant. I am frustrated because I was so damn close to getting closure,
but I don’t want it at your expense.” He exhaled again. “I’m sorry.”
I
didn’t know how to respond. Is he sorry for hurting me emotionally, or physically,
or both ? I couldn’t process his words. They were fragile things that
didn’t seem to have any meaning. I still didn’t understand how he could walk
away and leave me. There had to have been another way, yet he chose to just … go.
I
still had many questions, but they felt like bees buzzing inside my head, the
swarm too large to know what to pull out first. What the hell did my dad do
to him on a personal level? What is my dad’s involvement in a crime
organization? I didn’t have the energy to ask anything. The image of
Matt’s brain matter smeared on the wall, and my culpability in that act,
blocked my curiosity for the moment. The bawling came upon be again—I had no
control over myself. Cade went into the bathroom and left me to cry without
audience. The old version of him would have comforted me, wanting to resolve my
tears, not hide from them. I was more alone than I had ever been.
“Where
is my mom and brother?” I asked, when he returned to the room.
“I
don’t know, and that is the truth. I tried to get information from Dacks, but he
told me to stick to my own project. It takes a significant amount of time to be
trusted within a criminal operation, and I hadn’t been with them long enough to
be privy to any other details. The FBI can’t locate them, either.”
The
tears came hard again. “Do you think they are dead?”
He
exhaled and rubbed his chin while leaning on the wall. “I hope not. That’s the
best answer I can give you. Gordon and I had orders not to kill you, at least
not right away, so I can only assume if Dacks has your mom and brother, it’s
under the same directive.”
The
thought of them suffering, not having any of Cade’s protection, made me sick. My
stay at that cabin would have been a million times worse if he hadn’t been
there. “This is all so wrong—so unfair. I have a threadbare relationship with
my father, and I can only assume it’s the same for my brother. My mother hates
him. I don’t understand why these people would target us. We obviously mean nothing
to my dad, so all of this seems cruel and pointless.”
“They
are desperate men and will stop at nothing to get what they want. The fact
remains, your father does keep in contact with all of you, albeit not much.
Dacks is hoping to round up enough clues to find him; that’s all he wants from
any of you. Why don’t you have a relationship with your mom or Sam?”
I
could tell him the truth, but I didn’t bother. He didn’t need to know I had cut
ties, for the most part, with everything from the past, including my family. Reminders
of him around me were like termites eating away the wall around my heart. My mom
and brother were there, back then, through all of it, and seeing them was still
difficult. I doubted this new Cade would understand or have an ounce of
empathy. He’d just see it as weak and pathetic, so I stayed quiet. He sat down at
the small table and didn’t push me for a response.
I
was as emotionally sick as physically ill, and the need to retch took hold
again. I jolted for the bathroom, stubbing my toe on the door frame and crying
out as I hobbled to the toilet.
through with my objective. My cover is shot to hell, and I may have jeopardized
several years of effort.” He seemed angry at me for screwing up his life’s work.
“I
wish I could say I was sorry for fucking up your job, Cade, but that was your
decision. Maybe you should’ve stayed out of it like your boss said. I don’t
need you, and I haven’t for a long time now.” It was a complete untruth, but my
anger resurfaced to block out everything else. How dare he fault me for
this!
He
looked at me and understanding dawned on him. “I am not blaming you--that’s not
what I meant. I am frustrated because I was so damn close to getting closure,
but I don’t want it at your expense.” He exhaled again. “I’m sorry.”
I
didn’t know how to respond. Is he sorry for hurting me emotionally, or physically,
or both ? I couldn’t process his words. They were fragile things that
didn’t seem to have any meaning. I still didn’t understand how he could walk
away and leave me. There had to have been another way, yet he chose to just … go.
I
still had many questions, but they felt like bees buzzing inside my head, the
swarm too large to know what to pull out first. What the hell did my dad do
to him on a personal level? What is my dad’s involvement in a crime
organization? I didn’t have the energy to ask anything. The image of
Matt’s brain matter smeared on the wall, and my culpability in that act,
blocked my curiosity for the moment. The bawling came upon be again—I had no
control over myself. Cade went into the bathroom and left me to cry without
audience. The old version of him would have comforted me, wanting to resolve my
tears, not hide from them. I was more alone than I had ever been.
“Where
is my mom and brother?” I asked, when he returned to the room.
“I
don’t know, and that is the truth. I tried to get information from Dacks, but he
told me to stick to my own project. It takes a significant amount of time to be
trusted within a criminal operation, and I hadn’t been with them long enough to
be privy to any other details. The FBI can’t locate them, either.”
The
tears came hard again. “Do you think they are dead?”
He
exhaled and rubbed his chin while leaning on the wall. “I hope not. That’s the
best answer I can give you. Gordon and I had orders not to kill you, at least
not right away, so I can only assume if Dacks has your mom and brother, it’s
under the same directive.”
The
thought of them suffering, not having any of Cade’s protection, made me sick. My
stay at that cabin would have been a million times worse if he hadn’t been
there. “This is all so wrong—so unfair. I have a threadbare relationship with
my father, and I can only assume it’s the same for my brother. My mother hates
him. I don’t understand why these people would target us. We obviously mean nothing
to my dad, so all of this seems cruel and pointless.”
“They
are desperate men and will stop at nothing to get what they want. The fact
remains, your father does keep in contact with all of you, albeit not much.
Dacks is hoping to round up enough clues to find him; that’s all he wants from
any of you. Why don’t you have a relationship with your mom or Sam?”
I
could tell him the truth, but I didn’t bother. He didn’t need to know I had cut
ties, for the most part, with everything from the past, including my family. Reminders
of him around me were like termites eating away the wall around my heart. My mom
and brother were there, back then, through all of it, and seeing them was still
difficult. I doubted this new Cade would understand or have an ounce of
empathy. He’d just see it as weak and pathetic, so I stayed quiet. He sat down at
the small table and didn’t push me for a response.
I
was as emotionally sick as physically ill, and the need to retch took hold
again. I jolted for the bathroom, stubbing my toe on the door frame and crying
out as I hobbled to the toilet.
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