way to stop being scared, but still I push the cracked door open.
“Oh my God! Mom!” My foot slips in the blood running down her arms and making a pool on the tiny bathroom floor.
“Mom!” She’s on the ground, her head to the side, lying on the tub. One arm over it and the other limp to her side and her eyes are closed.
There’s no focusing on my heart or my breathing or the fact that she did this right before I came home. Knowing Maddy would be at work and I’d be the one to find her. Not that I’d want my brother to find her either, but I know she did this for me.
I grab towels from the rack, fighting my hands to stay steady enough to try and wrap her wrists. “I’ll be right back, Mom. It’ll be okay.”
Running from the room, I rush to my neighbor’s house and bang on the door. When she doesn’t answer right away, I push it open to see her walking my way. “Call nine-one-one. My mom is dying!”
And then I’m gone. Running back to her. I’m holding her head on my lap and sitting in blood. Petting her hair and trying to hold the towels around her wrists. Even though she tried to leave us. Even though it didn’t matter that I’d walk in and find her this way. I won’t let her be alone. Won’t let her die alone…
Later she rolls over in the hospital bed and looks at me for the first time. It’s hard as a diamond and cuts me deeply. “Why did you save me? You want me to suffer, don’t you? First you tried to take your father away from me and now my peace. I’ll never forgive you for saving me, Delaney.” And still I don’t leave her.
“Laney, wake up. Wake the fuck up!”
My brother’s voice and the hand shaking me breaks my sleep, makes me jerk into a sitting position. I don’t need him to tell me I was crying in my sleep. Even if I didn’t feel the wetness on my face, I would know. I sit up and lean against the wall, pulling my knees to my chest and wrapping my arms around them.
“Shit,” Maddox says, before he climbs into my bed and sits beside me. “Why do you let it get to you, Laney? Why can’t you let it go? They obviously didn’t care about us.”
I put my head on his shoulder. “Why do you think she let me find her? I mean, why not do it in the early morning after we left? Do you think she wanted to punish me for the close relationship I had with Daddy?”
“Don’t do that. Don’t try and make sense of it or blame yourself. She had nothing to blame you for.”
“You blame yourself.”
He doesn’t answer that.
His voice is soft when he says, “It was about the time in the bathroom?” I nod and he continues. “You shouldn’t have been alone. I can’t believe she did that knowing you’d find her.”
“Would it have been better if you did? It wouldn’t have changed anything.”
He’s quiet for what feels like an eternity. “It would have changed you seeing it. Would have kept you from still seeing it all these years later.”
I grab his arm and hold it tight. “You have enough demons inside you. Seeing her would have given you more. I don’t want that for you.”
Maddox curses again and I know he’s about to shut down on me. “I gotta get ready for work,” he says, standing up. “Do me a favor and let me know if you’re going to be out all night again on a day off.”
“The way you’d tell me?” I taunt.
He runs a hand through his dark hair. “Did you tell him yet? Things don’t seem magically better.” There’s a sharp edge to his voice.
“Don’t be a jerk.”
“Why? You need me to wake you the hell up. You think you’re going to go to this guy and tell him your drunk dad, who was a lying bastard with a shitload of gambling debts, drove up a curb with his car and killed his nephew and he’s going to tell you it’s okay? And it’ll make Mom somehow wake the fuck up and everything look like it’s perfect? I have news for you, Laney. It never was perfect and it never will be.” The venom in his voice isn’t really directed
“Oh my God! Mom!” My foot slips in the blood running down her arms and making a pool on the tiny bathroom floor.
“Mom!” She’s on the ground, her head to the side, lying on the tub. One arm over it and the other limp to her side and her eyes are closed.
There’s no focusing on my heart or my breathing or the fact that she did this right before I came home. Knowing Maddy would be at work and I’d be the one to find her. Not that I’d want my brother to find her either, but I know she did this for me.
I grab towels from the rack, fighting my hands to stay steady enough to try and wrap her wrists. “I’ll be right back, Mom. It’ll be okay.”
Running from the room, I rush to my neighbor’s house and bang on the door. When she doesn’t answer right away, I push it open to see her walking my way. “Call nine-one-one. My mom is dying!”
And then I’m gone. Running back to her. I’m holding her head on my lap and sitting in blood. Petting her hair and trying to hold the towels around her wrists. Even though she tried to leave us. Even though it didn’t matter that I’d walk in and find her this way. I won’t let her be alone. Won’t let her die alone…
Later she rolls over in the hospital bed and looks at me for the first time. It’s hard as a diamond and cuts me deeply. “Why did you save me? You want me to suffer, don’t you? First you tried to take your father away from me and now my peace. I’ll never forgive you for saving me, Delaney.” And still I don’t leave her.
“Laney, wake up. Wake the fuck up!”
My brother’s voice and the hand shaking me breaks my sleep, makes me jerk into a sitting position. I don’t need him to tell me I was crying in my sleep. Even if I didn’t feel the wetness on my face, I would know. I sit up and lean against the wall, pulling my knees to my chest and wrapping my arms around them.
“Shit,” Maddox says, before he climbs into my bed and sits beside me. “Why do you let it get to you, Laney? Why can’t you let it go? They obviously didn’t care about us.”
I put my head on his shoulder. “Why do you think she let me find her? I mean, why not do it in the early morning after we left? Do you think she wanted to punish me for the close relationship I had with Daddy?”
“Don’t do that. Don’t try and make sense of it or blame yourself. She had nothing to blame you for.”
“You blame yourself.”
He doesn’t answer that.
His voice is soft when he says, “It was about the time in the bathroom?” I nod and he continues. “You shouldn’t have been alone. I can’t believe she did that knowing you’d find her.”
“Would it have been better if you did? It wouldn’t have changed anything.”
He’s quiet for what feels like an eternity. “It would have changed you seeing it. Would have kept you from still seeing it all these years later.”
I grab his arm and hold it tight. “You have enough demons inside you. Seeing her would have given you more. I don’t want that for you.”
Maddox curses again and I know he’s about to shut down on me. “I gotta get ready for work,” he says, standing up. “Do me a favor and let me know if you’re going to be out all night again on a day off.”
“The way you’d tell me?” I taunt.
He runs a hand through his dark hair. “Did you tell him yet? Things don’t seem magically better.” There’s a sharp edge to his voice.
“Don’t be a jerk.”
“Why? You need me to wake you the hell up. You think you’re going to go to this guy and tell him your drunk dad, who was a lying bastard with a shitload of gambling debts, drove up a curb with his car and killed his nephew and he’s going to tell you it’s okay? And it’ll make Mom somehow wake the fuck up and everything look like it’s perfect? I have news for you, Laney. It never was perfect and it never will be.” The venom in his voice isn’t really directed
Similar Books
