slightly. I looked away, because Kyle used to make that same gesture whenever he knew he was right but was attempting to be coy. “I get it…I know I remind you and everyone else too much of him right now. I can’t look at me either.” He sighed and shook his head. “I’ve actually thought about avoiding mirrors for the rest of my life.”
I dropped my gaze to my bare feet, staring at the cotton candy pink I had painted my toenails earlier today in memory of Kyle, because he’d always told me pink was his favorite color on me whether it was in the form of nail polish, apparel, or makeup. “I can’t even begin to imagine how hard losing Kyle must be for you.” I held back the words that instantly wanted to follow that sentence, the words that I was sure both of us had heard enough to last a lifetime, and swallowed hard.
“No one will,” Derek sniffled beside me, and from the corner of my eye, I saw him shove his hands deep into the front pockets of his pants. “No one will ever understand how dead a part of me feels now.”
Sadness squeezed my heart like a vice. The pressure from it built in my chest until it became hard to breathe. I was on the verge of bursting into tears again, struggling to hold them back because my reasons to cry seemed insignificant in comparison with Derek’s.
“I’ll see you later,” he whispered just before he lightly kissed me on the cheek and turned to walk away.
I looked out to the churning waters of the sea and touched the spot where the warmth of his kiss still lingered. My eyes flooded with the tears I had fought so hard to hold back, and the flicker of comfort that had lingered within me, the one that seemed to blossom in Derek’s presence and dance at his touch, had once again been drowned by an ocean of darkness the further he walked away.
This was how it should be. I shouldn’t feel comfort from Derek’s touch or his presence. It didn’t feel right anymore. Because of me, they had fought that night. Because of me, Kyle wouldn’t get in Derek’s Jeep and he chose to drive himself. Because of me, Kyle was now gone.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
There were moments over the course of the next three months when the cancer that ate away at my insides, named Guilt, had taken over my mind completely, leaving me in a dark and empty place. Moments when I felt like none of us—Derek, his parents, my parents, not even me—would ever be whole again. It was in those moments that I tried to remember the most famous three words that everyone says in situations involving death and loss, ‘time heals all.’
It was hard to believe though that time could heal the gaping hole that had been eaten away in my heart by guilt—the hole that burned each time I looked at Derek, the hole that flamed straight to my soul each time Kyle’s hurt-filled eyes flashed through my mind again, or I relived the moment of his confession.
Eventually, though, the guilt began to subside, but I would never be the same. None of us would. Kyle’s death would always remain a tender spot within us. A reminder of how quickly things can change, how quickly a life can end.
* * * *
Senior year had started. A white wooden cross had been pounded into the ground in front of the power pole with the gash taken out where Kyle’s car had wrecked, pictures and flowers and little mementoes had all been scattered around it, forming a shrine made by those who missed him most, and my parents had grown closer to his. Our houses might as well have been shifted as close as they could possibly be and fused together with as much time as our families spent with one another.
The relationship between Derek and me that had slowly begun to bud, now withered and died out before it was ever allowed to blossom, and it was all my fault. Derek had tried to comfort me, to continue with what we were trying to become, but it was like there was a block within me. I wanted to be with him, but it just seemed
I dropped my gaze to my bare feet, staring at the cotton candy pink I had painted my toenails earlier today in memory of Kyle, because he’d always told me pink was his favorite color on me whether it was in the form of nail polish, apparel, or makeup. “I can’t even begin to imagine how hard losing Kyle must be for you.” I held back the words that instantly wanted to follow that sentence, the words that I was sure both of us had heard enough to last a lifetime, and swallowed hard.
“No one will,” Derek sniffled beside me, and from the corner of my eye, I saw him shove his hands deep into the front pockets of his pants. “No one will ever understand how dead a part of me feels now.”
Sadness squeezed my heart like a vice. The pressure from it built in my chest until it became hard to breathe. I was on the verge of bursting into tears again, struggling to hold them back because my reasons to cry seemed insignificant in comparison with Derek’s.
“I’ll see you later,” he whispered just before he lightly kissed me on the cheek and turned to walk away.
I looked out to the churning waters of the sea and touched the spot where the warmth of his kiss still lingered. My eyes flooded with the tears I had fought so hard to hold back, and the flicker of comfort that had lingered within me, the one that seemed to blossom in Derek’s presence and dance at his touch, had once again been drowned by an ocean of darkness the further he walked away.
This was how it should be. I shouldn’t feel comfort from Derek’s touch or his presence. It didn’t feel right anymore. Because of me, they had fought that night. Because of me, Kyle wouldn’t get in Derek’s Jeep and he chose to drive himself. Because of me, Kyle was now gone.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
There were moments over the course of the next three months when the cancer that ate away at my insides, named Guilt, had taken over my mind completely, leaving me in a dark and empty place. Moments when I felt like none of us—Derek, his parents, my parents, not even me—would ever be whole again. It was in those moments that I tried to remember the most famous three words that everyone says in situations involving death and loss, ‘time heals all.’
It was hard to believe though that time could heal the gaping hole that had been eaten away in my heart by guilt—the hole that burned each time I looked at Derek, the hole that flamed straight to my soul each time Kyle’s hurt-filled eyes flashed through my mind again, or I relived the moment of his confession.
Eventually, though, the guilt began to subside, but I would never be the same. None of us would. Kyle’s death would always remain a tender spot within us. A reminder of how quickly things can change, how quickly a life can end.
* * * *
Senior year had started. A white wooden cross had been pounded into the ground in front of the power pole with the gash taken out where Kyle’s car had wrecked, pictures and flowers and little mementoes had all been scattered around it, forming a shrine made by those who missed him most, and my parents had grown closer to his. Our houses might as well have been shifted as close as they could possibly be and fused together with as much time as our families spent with one another.
The relationship between Derek and me that had slowly begun to bud, now withered and died out before it was ever allowed to blossom, and it was all my fault. Derek had tried to comfort me, to continue with what we were trying to become, but it was like there was a block within me. I wanted to be with him, but it just seemed
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