conflict.
T HANKFUL that Carolyn wasn’t home when I got there, I kept running until I reached my bedroom. Then, with as much force as I could muster, I slammed my bedroom door. Before I could even reach my bed, the tears had started. I hadn’t cried in a long time. When you’re in the state home for boys, crying only makes you look weak. Weak kids are easier to pick off.
Lying down with my face buried in the pillow, I let it all out. I let out the frustration of not being able to openly love whomever I wanted, of the pretenses and the lies, of the hiding and the shame, and finally of it not being me that Jamie was kissing in that fucking room.
I must have fallen asleep, because sometime later, as the light was dimming in my room, I heard a distant pounding. Not caring at all what the source of the noise was, I rolled back over and slept. For the first time in a long time, I didn’t have any dreams. It seemed that my body and my mind were too exhausted to come up with anything to reveal to me or even torture me with through a dream. For the uninterrupted rest, I was grateful.
When my alarm went off the next morning, I had absolutely no intention of getting out of bed. It was Friday, and the last day of the school year. Turning it off, I rolled over and stared out of the window. After about half an hour, Carolyn came up to my room to check on me.
“You’re going to be late, darlin’,” she said from the doorway, only halfheartedly. Since I hadn’t been out of my room since I’d gotten home from school the day before, I’m sure she had figured out that something was wrong. I remembered at some point during the evening hearing my bedroom door open and close. Obviously, she had come to call me for dinner, but since I had been sleeping, she had decided to let me rest.
“Carolyn, I haven’t missed a day of school all year, and I’m really not feeling all that well. I’d really like to stay home,” I said, rolling back over to face her. She came into the room and sat down on my bed. Her touch was gentle and caring as she put her hand on my forehead.
“Boy, you are burnin’ up,” she said with a small wink. “I’m going to have to call the school and let them know that you won’t be in. Do you have anything you need to do today at school, any tests or papers due?”
“No, ma’am, nothing, and I cleaned out my locker the other day. There’s just some books in it. I can stop by on Monday and pick them up.” She nodded and brushed my curls out of my eyes.
“Then you just stay up here and rest. I’ll bring some sandwiches up later.” She stood up and walked to the door.
“Thank you, Carolyn,” I told her. The gratitude in my voice was unmistakable. The last place I wanted to be was at school. Even though I knew it was part of the grand scheme of things, I didn’t want to face Jamie and Emma. I just wanted to lie in bed and imagine a world where Jamie and I could be together.
As promised, around noon Carolyn brought up a couple of sandwiches for me, and I devoured them. Having missed supper the night before, I was ravenous when she set them in front of me. Two creamy peanut butter and apple jelly sandwiches and a huge glass of milk improved my outlook on the day. Grabbing a paperback book from my shelf, I spent the rest of the afternoon reading on my bed. By the time I had finished the first quarter of the book, I was dozing lightly in the mid-afternoon sun.
When I woke, Jamie was sitting on the end of my bed.
Sitting up, I quickly set the book on my bedside table and then adjusted my blankets, not looking at him. It was an effort to contain the hurt and the sense of loss that I felt because he was in the room with me. The whole incident had become fairly abstract overnight, but with him sitting there, the realization and the memory came forcefully home. When I finally met his eyes, I noticed that they were shadowed and a little bloodshot.
“You know why I have to do this,” he said,
T HANKFUL that Carolyn wasn’t home when I got there, I kept running until I reached my bedroom. Then, with as much force as I could muster, I slammed my bedroom door. Before I could even reach my bed, the tears had started. I hadn’t cried in a long time. When you’re in the state home for boys, crying only makes you look weak. Weak kids are easier to pick off.
Lying down with my face buried in the pillow, I let it all out. I let out the frustration of not being able to openly love whomever I wanted, of the pretenses and the lies, of the hiding and the shame, and finally of it not being me that Jamie was kissing in that fucking room.
I must have fallen asleep, because sometime later, as the light was dimming in my room, I heard a distant pounding. Not caring at all what the source of the noise was, I rolled back over and slept. For the first time in a long time, I didn’t have any dreams. It seemed that my body and my mind were too exhausted to come up with anything to reveal to me or even torture me with through a dream. For the uninterrupted rest, I was grateful.
When my alarm went off the next morning, I had absolutely no intention of getting out of bed. It was Friday, and the last day of the school year. Turning it off, I rolled over and stared out of the window. After about half an hour, Carolyn came up to my room to check on me.
“You’re going to be late, darlin’,” she said from the doorway, only halfheartedly. Since I hadn’t been out of my room since I’d gotten home from school the day before, I’m sure she had figured out that something was wrong. I remembered at some point during the evening hearing my bedroom door open and close. Obviously, she had come to call me for dinner, but since I had been sleeping, she had decided to let me rest.
“Carolyn, I haven’t missed a day of school all year, and I’m really not feeling all that well. I’d really like to stay home,” I said, rolling back over to face her. She came into the room and sat down on my bed. Her touch was gentle and caring as she put her hand on my forehead.
“Boy, you are burnin’ up,” she said with a small wink. “I’m going to have to call the school and let them know that you won’t be in. Do you have anything you need to do today at school, any tests or papers due?”
“No, ma’am, nothing, and I cleaned out my locker the other day. There’s just some books in it. I can stop by on Monday and pick them up.” She nodded and brushed my curls out of my eyes.
“Then you just stay up here and rest. I’ll bring some sandwiches up later.” She stood up and walked to the door.
“Thank you, Carolyn,” I told her. The gratitude in my voice was unmistakable. The last place I wanted to be was at school. Even though I knew it was part of the grand scheme of things, I didn’t want to face Jamie and Emma. I just wanted to lie in bed and imagine a world where Jamie and I could be together.
As promised, around noon Carolyn brought up a couple of sandwiches for me, and I devoured them. Having missed supper the night before, I was ravenous when she set them in front of me. Two creamy peanut butter and apple jelly sandwiches and a huge glass of milk improved my outlook on the day. Grabbing a paperback book from my shelf, I spent the rest of the afternoon reading on my bed. By the time I had finished the first quarter of the book, I was dozing lightly in the mid-afternoon sun.
When I woke, Jamie was sitting on the end of my bed.
Sitting up, I quickly set the book on my bedside table and then adjusted my blankets, not looking at him. It was an effort to contain the hurt and the sense of loss that I felt because he was in the room with me. The whole incident had become fairly abstract overnight, but with him sitting there, the realization and the memory came forcefully home. When I finally met his eyes, I noticed that they were shadowed and a little bloodshot.
“You know why I have to do this,” he said,
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