shuttle would’ve taken a hit to put us on the ground, and we’d have been stranded. How is that better?”
“You’re not his mother, Jax, and you don’t get to involve my son in war games.”
“That’s why you’re mad?” I ask in reflexive surprise.
“What did you think?”
“Because you’re stuck here with the shit hitting the fan.”
He lifted his shoulders in a familiar shrug, dismissing that suggestion. “That was all Sasha. You had nothing to do with it…and I knew you were on a tight schedule. I’m worried about being stranded during wartime, but not angry.”
“I’m sorry I used Sasha without your permission,” I say. “But you could’ve said no.”
“Then he’d think I didn’t trust him to control his TK. He’s made such strides that I don’t want to undermine his confidence. He’s just about a normal kid these days, and I…”
“You don’t want to see him lose that.” I get it now.
A bunker full of angry soldiers determined to rid their homeworld of the conquering force doesn’t lend itself to normal childhood experiences. I sink down on the bed, full of remorse over…so many things. Mostly, what I feel bad about, though, is that I
don’t
feel worse about March’s being here with me. Regret should wrack me from head to toe, but the truth is, a kernel of happiness burns inside me. I want him, even if it’s not by choice. That’s how self-centered I am.
He puffs out a sigh and rakes a hand through his shaggy hair. “Are you going to make me fight another war for you, Jax?”
“I’d never force you to do anything,” I say softly.
“That’s true. That would devalue all the lessons you learned from St. Kai.” Even after all this time, he sounds bitter…and jealous of the love I lost.
That makes me smile…because he’s so imperfect and human and occasionally irrational. I push to my feet and cross to him, wrapping my arms about his waist. For a few seconds, he resists, then his arms come around me. He rests his chin atop my head.
“What do you want to do?” I ask.
“What I want and what can happen are two different things.”
“You’d hop the next ship home,” I guess.
“Obviously. Sasha needs to finish school.”
“You can train him, though, right? It might not be as structured as the Psi Corp program, but—” I break off as a thought occurs to me. “Constance has training experience from Emry. I bet we could modify her programming for classroom-style teaching, and you can handle the Psi stuff.”
March nods. “I’m familiar with the exercises. It’s doable but not ideal.”
Sadly, that describes most of my life. I could offer platitudes like
Things happen for a reason
or
It’ll all work out for the best
, but March is relaxing in my arms. I don’t want to piss him off again. It’s a bit underhanded that I’m using proximity to defuse his anger, but what the hell, I’ll bring whatever weapons I have to bear.
“That’ll keep you busy,” I say.
“You think I can be here and not get involved?” He laughs softly. “I’m still a soldier. It’ll drive me nuts inside a week to know you’re running missions without me.”
“Would it have bothered you on Nicuan?”
“To some degree, but when you’re so far away, it’s less itchy.”
“I’m sorry,” I say again.
I know he didn’t want this for Sasha. It’s no way to raise a kid.
“Hey,” he says. “You have nothing to apologize for.”
“Except using your kid as a weapon.”
“Don’t remind me.” He frowns. “It’s a big game to him. I should’ve predicted how Sasha would react to all the hoorahand heroism. He loves strategy sims, playing hero. This turned out to be too much temptation. But I’m not sure he understands the stakes. In games, if things go bad, his avatar respawns.”
“Not so much on the battlefield.”
“Exactly. I don’t want him to end up like me.”
“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”
“To be me? I’m pretty fragged up, Jax.
“You’re not his mother, Jax, and you don’t get to involve my son in war games.”
“That’s why you’re mad?” I ask in reflexive surprise.
“What did you think?”
“Because you’re stuck here with the shit hitting the fan.”
He lifted his shoulders in a familiar shrug, dismissing that suggestion. “That was all Sasha. You had nothing to do with it…and I knew you were on a tight schedule. I’m worried about being stranded during wartime, but not angry.”
“I’m sorry I used Sasha without your permission,” I say. “But you could’ve said no.”
“Then he’d think I didn’t trust him to control his TK. He’s made such strides that I don’t want to undermine his confidence. He’s just about a normal kid these days, and I…”
“You don’t want to see him lose that.” I get it now.
A bunker full of angry soldiers determined to rid their homeworld of the conquering force doesn’t lend itself to normal childhood experiences. I sink down on the bed, full of remorse over…so many things. Mostly, what I feel bad about, though, is that I
don’t
feel worse about March’s being here with me. Regret should wrack me from head to toe, but the truth is, a kernel of happiness burns inside me. I want him, even if it’s not by choice. That’s how self-centered I am.
He puffs out a sigh and rakes a hand through his shaggy hair. “Are you going to make me fight another war for you, Jax?”
“I’d never force you to do anything,” I say softly.
“That’s true. That would devalue all the lessons you learned from St. Kai.” Even after all this time, he sounds bitter…and jealous of the love I lost.
That makes me smile…because he’s so imperfect and human and occasionally irrational. I push to my feet and cross to him, wrapping my arms about his waist. For a few seconds, he resists, then his arms come around me. He rests his chin atop my head.
“What do you want to do?” I ask.
“What I want and what can happen are two different things.”
“You’d hop the next ship home,” I guess.
“Obviously. Sasha needs to finish school.”
“You can train him, though, right? It might not be as structured as the Psi Corp program, but—” I break off as a thought occurs to me. “Constance has training experience from Emry. I bet we could modify her programming for classroom-style teaching, and you can handle the Psi stuff.”
March nods. “I’m familiar with the exercises. It’s doable but not ideal.”
Sadly, that describes most of my life. I could offer platitudes like
Things happen for a reason
or
It’ll all work out for the best
, but March is relaxing in my arms. I don’t want to piss him off again. It’s a bit underhanded that I’m using proximity to defuse his anger, but what the hell, I’ll bring whatever weapons I have to bear.
“That’ll keep you busy,” I say.
“You think I can be here and not get involved?” He laughs softly. “I’m still a soldier. It’ll drive me nuts inside a week to know you’re running missions without me.”
“Would it have bothered you on Nicuan?”
“To some degree, but when you’re so far away, it’s less itchy.”
“I’m sorry,” I say again.
I know he didn’t want this for Sasha. It’s no way to raise a kid.
“Hey,” he says. “You have nothing to apologize for.”
“Except using your kid as a weapon.”
“Don’t remind me.” He frowns. “It’s a big game to him. I should’ve predicted how Sasha would react to all the hoorahand heroism. He loves strategy sims, playing hero. This turned out to be too much temptation. But I’m not sure he understands the stakes. In games, if things go bad, his avatar respawns.”
“Not so much on the battlefield.”
“Exactly. I don’t want him to end up like me.”
“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”
“To be me? I’m pretty fragged up, Jax.
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