round the deck in her shift.’
‘With great respect, madam,’ intruded Basil, ‘I would venture the opinion that some ladies ought to regard it as a compliment to be followed anywhere at all.’
Ophelia raised her eyebrows. ‘Indeed?’
‘And that’s assuming the lady in question were worthy of the gentleman’s attentions, madam.’
The Captain gave a short laugh. ‘A very philosophical. character, our Beauchamp. Quite like that famous feller in the books – what’s his name? – Jeeves.’
‘Are you suggesting,’ continued Ophelia, fixing Basil with her eye like a winkle on the end of a pin, ‘that a lady might not be good enough for some mean-minded moron who won’t let her out of his sight for more than five minutes?’
‘I would only say–’
‘Thank you, Beauchamp,’ said Captain Spratt briefly. ‘That will be all.’
‘I would only say,’ Basil went on doggedly, ‘that the gentleman would be surprised and pained at the lady not wanting him to accompany her – at considerable trouble and discomfort to himself–’
‘The gentleman’s an idiot,’ snapped Ophelia. ‘Unless, of course, the lady had the firm intention, once out of his sight, of cutting fast and loose–’
‘What a beastly suggestion!’
‘That will do, Beauchamp!’ roared Captain Spratt.
I suddenly realised everyone else in the cabin had stopped talking. I edged even deeper into the background and grabbed another Martini.
‘Furthermore, madam,’ Basil went on, now getting warmed up, ‘if a gentleman wishes to keep his self-respect–’
‘Self-respect? Ha! Don’t make me laugh. How you can imagine anyone would have a scrap of self-respect after rolling about in pink tights and a red nose in disgusting pantomimes–’
‘It was not a disgusting pantomime! It was an extremely high-class show. It simply didn’t happen to be appreciated in the district–’
‘It was a fifth-rate road show which anyone with the slightest pretensions of being an actor–’
‘I – the gentleman – is an actor, damn it! You just wait, madam!’ Basil shook his finger, spilling all the nuts. ‘You just wait. One day you’ll see him with top billing in the West End and you’ll be so blasted sorry–’
‘Steward!’ Captain Spratt made all the Martini glasses rattle. ‘Go below at once!’
‘I’m sorry,’ muttered Basil, ‘extremely sorry. I apologise to everyone. It’s simply that I have an urgent message from this lady’s fiancé–’
‘Go below, I say! Miss O’Brien, I really must express my regrets for this most painful interruption. If you have had a message by wireless–’
‘It didn’t come by wireless,’ Basil interrupted, ‘it came by telepathy.’
‘Good God, he’s mad,’ muttered the Captain. ‘Where’s the doctor?’
‘Mad as a hatter,’ agreed Ophelia briskly, ‘because I have no fiancé. Now, Captain, what were we discussing before we were so rudely interrupted?’
‘Ophelia – !’
Basil sank on one knee, like an obedient camel. ‘Doctor! Get this man out of here. Hell’s teeth! He’s raving. Absolutely raving. I’m extremely sorry, ladies and gentlemen, extremely sorry. This is a most unhappy interruption to your evening–’
‘Ophelia – !’
‘I say, Basil old lad,’ I hissed in his ear. ‘There doesn’t seem much doubt this is the cue for your exit.’
‘I refuse to leave this cabin until I have had a proper explanation and apology,’ Basil went on, staring round wildly.
‘Right,’ said the Captain. ‘Mr Shuttleworth! Send for the Bos’n.’
‘Look here–’ began Basil.
But even then we had to call the Quartermaster and a couple of sailors to get the poor chap decently out of sight.
I must say, it struck me the idiot had made a first-class mess of his evening. Apart from anything else, it rather looked as though he’d gone and talked himself out of a nice cushy job to back among those boilers.
12
‘That’s one scene I’d never play
‘With great respect, madam,’ intruded Basil, ‘I would venture the opinion that some ladies ought to regard it as a compliment to be followed anywhere at all.’
Ophelia raised her eyebrows. ‘Indeed?’
‘And that’s assuming the lady in question were worthy of the gentleman’s attentions, madam.’
The Captain gave a short laugh. ‘A very philosophical. character, our Beauchamp. Quite like that famous feller in the books – what’s his name? – Jeeves.’
‘Are you suggesting,’ continued Ophelia, fixing Basil with her eye like a winkle on the end of a pin, ‘that a lady might not be good enough for some mean-minded moron who won’t let her out of his sight for more than five minutes?’
‘I would only say–’
‘Thank you, Beauchamp,’ said Captain Spratt briefly. ‘That will be all.’
‘I would only say,’ Basil went on doggedly, ‘that the gentleman would be surprised and pained at the lady not wanting him to accompany her – at considerable trouble and discomfort to himself–’
‘The gentleman’s an idiot,’ snapped Ophelia. ‘Unless, of course, the lady had the firm intention, once out of his sight, of cutting fast and loose–’
‘What a beastly suggestion!’
‘That will do, Beauchamp!’ roared Captain Spratt.
I suddenly realised everyone else in the cabin had stopped talking. I edged even deeper into the background and grabbed another Martini.
‘Furthermore, madam,’ Basil went on, now getting warmed up, ‘if a gentleman wishes to keep his self-respect–’
‘Self-respect? Ha! Don’t make me laugh. How you can imagine anyone would have a scrap of self-respect after rolling about in pink tights and a red nose in disgusting pantomimes–’
‘It was not a disgusting pantomime! It was an extremely high-class show. It simply didn’t happen to be appreciated in the district–’
‘It was a fifth-rate road show which anyone with the slightest pretensions of being an actor–’
‘I – the gentleman – is an actor, damn it! You just wait, madam!’ Basil shook his finger, spilling all the nuts. ‘You just wait. One day you’ll see him with top billing in the West End and you’ll be so blasted sorry–’
‘Steward!’ Captain Spratt made all the Martini glasses rattle. ‘Go below at once!’
‘I’m sorry,’ muttered Basil, ‘extremely sorry. I apologise to everyone. It’s simply that I have an urgent message from this lady’s fiancé–’
‘Go below, I say! Miss O’Brien, I really must express my regrets for this most painful interruption. If you have had a message by wireless–’
‘It didn’t come by wireless,’ Basil interrupted, ‘it came by telepathy.’
‘Good God, he’s mad,’ muttered the Captain. ‘Where’s the doctor?’
‘Mad as a hatter,’ agreed Ophelia briskly, ‘because I have no fiancé. Now, Captain, what were we discussing before we were so rudely interrupted?’
‘Ophelia – !’
Basil sank on one knee, like an obedient camel. ‘Doctor! Get this man out of here. Hell’s teeth! He’s raving. Absolutely raving. I’m extremely sorry, ladies and gentlemen, extremely sorry. This is a most unhappy interruption to your evening–’
‘Ophelia – !’
‘I say, Basil old lad,’ I hissed in his ear. ‘There doesn’t seem much doubt this is the cue for your exit.’
‘I refuse to leave this cabin until I have had a proper explanation and apology,’ Basil went on, staring round wildly.
‘Right,’ said the Captain. ‘Mr Shuttleworth! Send for the Bos’n.’
‘Look here–’ began Basil.
But even then we had to call the Quartermaster and a couple of sailors to get the poor chap decently out of sight.
I must say, it struck me the idiot had made a first-class mess of his evening. Apart from anything else, it rather looked as though he’d gone and talked himself out of a nice cushy job to back among those boilers.
12
‘That’s one scene I’d never play
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