Then perhaps they’ll fix you up with some quiet easy job somewhere on the strength of it.’
‘Dear chappie!’ He seized my hand. ‘Do you think it would work?’
‘Absolutely certain of it. After all, I’m the doctor.’
‘I’d be eternally grateful.’
‘No trouble at all, I assure you.’
‘Good old Grim!’ Actors are emotional birds, and for a moment I was scared he was going to have a jolly good blub. ‘Even those days in the dear old digs, I always knew one thing – I could count on you, at least, as a real true chum.’
‘Oh, tut,’ I said lightly.
All this really made me feel a stinking cad, of course. But I suppose taking to deceit is like taking to drink – after a time you get so full of it, you hardly notice a bit more. So I packed Basil off to the Glory Hole, adjusted my tie, and climbed again up all those stairs to the Captain’s cabin, preparing some sort of tale to pitch on his behalf.
I reckoned the party should have been over by then, and was rather surprised as I tapped on the door to hear a burst of female laughter inside.
‘Enter!’
There was the old boy tucking into roast chicken and asparagus, with a bottle of champagne at his elbow and Mr Shuttleworth himself in attendance. Sharing the binge with him was Ophelia.
‘Ah, Doctor! What have you done with that dangerous lunatic? Securely under lock and key, I hope? I should have known the feller was unbalanced. I remember now the peculiar way he kept snooping at me round corners.’
‘I hope I’m not interrupting anything sir?’ I remarked, shooting Ophelia a bit of a glance.
‘Not at all, Doctor, not at all. It is simply that I felt my appearance in the saloon might prove somewhat embarrassing after tonight’s events, and I decided to dine up here. This charming young lady kindly consented to share my simple meal.’
‘The Captain has been telling me the most absolutely thrilling things about the ship,’ said Ophelia. ‘Haven’t you, Captain?’
The Captain suddenly seemed to become all gold braid and medals.
‘It is the Master’s duty to answer his passengers’ questions, my dear Miss O’Brien. But perhaps for the first time in my life at sea I can say it is a positive pleasure as well.’ He raised his champagne glass. ‘By the way, Doctor, if you want to put that feller Beauchamp in a straitjacket, it is perfectly all right with me.’
I gave a little cough. ‘I agree, sir, the unfortunate man is slightly off balance mentally–’
‘You can say that again,’ murmured Ophelia.
‘But I assure you it’s only a temporary condition. It was the strain, sir, being over-conscientious about his work.’
Captain Spratt grunted.
‘If I might suggest, sir, he should continue with some simple job down below suitable for his limited mental capacities.’
He stroked his beard.
‘Oh, the poor thing’s perfectly harmless,’ said Ophelia suddenly. I didn’t know if she was beginning to feel sorry over the way she’d treated Basil, or merely beginning to feel drunk. ‘Give him some nice easy work, Captain, where he can fuddle along in his own little way.’
‘H’m.’
There was a pause.
‘Oh, very well, very well. Mr Shuttleworth!’
‘Sir?’
‘You heard that conversation. Put Beauchamp somewhere where he can’t come to any harm. Just see he won’t get under my feet, that’s all I ask. Thank you, Doctor. Good night.’
‘Bye bye, Doctor dear,’ said Ophelia.
As I left, I fancied they were just about to pull the wishbone.
13
The situation on board now struck me as reasonably under control. I felt that Basil had copped it so hard from Ophelia he’d left me free to oil my way back into her affections. And though the poor fellow had made a first-class idiot of himself, he’d probably done no worse out of his eruption than taking charge of the stewards’ wash-house. It seemed very satisfactory all round.
I was therefore rather shaken at lunch the following day to find the chap
‘Dear chappie!’ He seized my hand. ‘Do you think it would work?’
‘Absolutely certain of it. After all, I’m the doctor.’
‘I’d be eternally grateful.’
‘No trouble at all, I assure you.’
‘Good old Grim!’ Actors are emotional birds, and for a moment I was scared he was going to have a jolly good blub. ‘Even those days in the dear old digs, I always knew one thing – I could count on you, at least, as a real true chum.’
‘Oh, tut,’ I said lightly.
All this really made me feel a stinking cad, of course. But I suppose taking to deceit is like taking to drink – after a time you get so full of it, you hardly notice a bit more. So I packed Basil off to the Glory Hole, adjusted my tie, and climbed again up all those stairs to the Captain’s cabin, preparing some sort of tale to pitch on his behalf.
I reckoned the party should have been over by then, and was rather surprised as I tapped on the door to hear a burst of female laughter inside.
‘Enter!’
There was the old boy tucking into roast chicken and asparagus, with a bottle of champagne at his elbow and Mr Shuttleworth himself in attendance. Sharing the binge with him was Ophelia.
‘Ah, Doctor! What have you done with that dangerous lunatic? Securely under lock and key, I hope? I should have known the feller was unbalanced. I remember now the peculiar way he kept snooping at me round corners.’
‘I hope I’m not interrupting anything sir?’ I remarked, shooting Ophelia a bit of a glance.
‘Not at all, Doctor, not at all. It is simply that I felt my appearance in the saloon might prove somewhat embarrassing after tonight’s events, and I decided to dine up here. This charming young lady kindly consented to share my simple meal.’
‘The Captain has been telling me the most absolutely thrilling things about the ship,’ said Ophelia. ‘Haven’t you, Captain?’
The Captain suddenly seemed to become all gold braid and medals.
‘It is the Master’s duty to answer his passengers’ questions, my dear Miss O’Brien. But perhaps for the first time in my life at sea I can say it is a positive pleasure as well.’ He raised his champagne glass. ‘By the way, Doctor, if you want to put that feller Beauchamp in a straitjacket, it is perfectly all right with me.’
I gave a little cough. ‘I agree, sir, the unfortunate man is slightly off balance mentally–’
‘You can say that again,’ murmured Ophelia.
‘But I assure you it’s only a temporary condition. It was the strain, sir, being over-conscientious about his work.’
Captain Spratt grunted.
‘If I might suggest, sir, he should continue with some simple job down below suitable for his limited mental capacities.’
He stroked his beard.
‘Oh, the poor thing’s perfectly harmless,’ said Ophelia suddenly. I didn’t know if she was beginning to feel sorry over the way she’d treated Basil, or merely beginning to feel drunk. ‘Give him some nice easy work, Captain, where he can fuddle along in his own little way.’
‘H’m.’
There was a pause.
‘Oh, very well, very well. Mr Shuttleworth!’
‘Sir?’
‘You heard that conversation. Put Beauchamp somewhere where he can’t come to any harm. Just see he won’t get under my feet, that’s all I ask. Thank you, Doctor. Good night.’
‘Bye bye, Doctor dear,’ said Ophelia.
As I left, I fancied they were just about to pull the wishbone.
13
The situation on board now struck me as reasonably under control. I felt that Basil had copped it so hard from Ophelia he’d left me free to oil my way back into her affections. And though the poor fellow had made a first-class idiot of himself, he’d probably done no worse out of his eruption than taking charge of the stewards’ wash-house. It seemed very satisfactory all round.
I was therefore rather shaken at lunch the following day to find the chap
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