time, because the next thing I knew, Johnny Carson was going off.
“Is this how you operate?” I asked.
“Is this how
you
operate?” he asked me back.
Then we both started laughing.
“So how about that song now?”
“I just finished singing. Didn’t you hear me?”
“I heard you, baby, but I wanna hear you sing for real.”
All of a sudden, a voice in my head told me to stop this. Just stop it. He felt too good too fast. It must have been all over my face.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
“Nothing.”
“Then why you looking like somebody just died?”
“This is dangerous, you know.”
“For who?”
“Me.”
“I thought you didn’t have a man, or did you lie?”
“No, I didn’t lie. What about you? You look like you’re the type that’s probably got more than one woman.”
“I really ain’t in the market. Trying to get my life in order. Women get me all confused.”
“Then what are you doing here?”
“Sometimes you have to take detours.”
“Oh, so that’s what I am, a detour.”
“You know what I mean.”
“No, I don’t.”
“A man knows when a woman is special. Women like you don’t come along every day. I’d be a fool not to stop and check you out.”
“Check me out? Is this some kind of game, Franklin?”
He kissed me on the forehead and looked me dead in the eye.
“Do this feel like a game to you?”
“No.”
“So what’s the problem?”
“I’m scared, I guess.”
“Of what?”
“I don’t know.”
“That ain’t no kinda answer. Talk to me.”
I wanted to tell him that I was scared of him, of how he was making me feel, but when I feel so good that it makes me sad, my words get twisted up and it’s hard to say what I really mean. “Well, I’m just trying to do so many things. I’m starting a new voice coach soon, school starts next month, I just moved, I’m trying to figure out—”
He cut me off. “You wanna know something? I been trying to talk myself into not thinking about you since I first met you. A month ago, I made up my mind that all I was gon’ do was concentrate on how I could start my own business in a year or two, and I promised myself that I wasn’t getting involved with no more women until I got my constitution together—”
Then I cut him off. “That’s what I’m trying to do too, Franklin.”
“So are we laying here saying we can’t do both?”
“I don’t know.”
“How do you feel right now?” he asked.
Should I tell the truth? Yes, tell the damn truth, Zora. “I feel like I’ve been hibernating and you’re the sun and you just shined on me and let me know it’sspring. I feel like I could levitate right up to the ceiling. What about you?”
“I feel like a man who just hit the lottery. That answer your question?”
“You sure this isn’t just the sex?”
“I know the difference between good sex and a good woman, baby.”
Even though I wanted to believe him, wanted to trust him, the sadness still came back. I wanted to find out up front if this man was sincere, so I decided to go ahead and tell him how I really felt. “I’m scared that if I get involved with you and it doesn’t work out, then I’ll be right back where I started—lonely and alone again.”
“You already involved,” he said. “And you ain’t gotta worry about being lonely no more.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“Because I’m here and I ain’t going nowhere until you ask me to leave. You been thinking about me as much as I been thinking about you. So let’s cut the games. That’s why you went out tonight—so you wouldn’t be in here suffocating with them thoughts, trying to figure out what you was feeling and if I was feeling anything close to it. Am I wrong?”
“No, you’re not wrong.” Why didn’t I lie? Why couldn’t I lie? I was opening up too fast and letting him see me. But so was he, wasn’t he? Didn’t he just admit that he’d been thinking about me all day?
“Relax,” he said, and pressed
“Is this how you operate?” I asked.
“Is this how
you
operate?” he asked me back.
Then we both started laughing.
“So how about that song now?”
“I just finished singing. Didn’t you hear me?”
“I heard you, baby, but I wanna hear you sing for real.”
All of a sudden, a voice in my head told me to stop this. Just stop it. He felt too good too fast. It must have been all over my face.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
“Nothing.”
“Then why you looking like somebody just died?”
“This is dangerous, you know.”
“For who?”
“Me.”
“I thought you didn’t have a man, or did you lie?”
“No, I didn’t lie. What about you? You look like you’re the type that’s probably got more than one woman.”
“I really ain’t in the market. Trying to get my life in order. Women get me all confused.”
“Then what are you doing here?”
“Sometimes you have to take detours.”
“Oh, so that’s what I am, a detour.”
“You know what I mean.”
“No, I don’t.”
“A man knows when a woman is special. Women like you don’t come along every day. I’d be a fool not to stop and check you out.”
“Check me out? Is this some kind of game, Franklin?”
He kissed me on the forehead and looked me dead in the eye.
“Do this feel like a game to you?”
“No.”
“So what’s the problem?”
“I’m scared, I guess.”
“Of what?”
“I don’t know.”
“That ain’t no kinda answer. Talk to me.”
I wanted to tell him that I was scared of him, of how he was making me feel, but when I feel so good that it makes me sad, my words get twisted up and it’s hard to say what I really mean. “Well, I’m just trying to do so many things. I’m starting a new voice coach soon, school starts next month, I just moved, I’m trying to figure out—”
He cut me off. “You wanna know something? I been trying to talk myself into not thinking about you since I first met you. A month ago, I made up my mind that all I was gon’ do was concentrate on how I could start my own business in a year or two, and I promised myself that I wasn’t getting involved with no more women until I got my constitution together—”
Then I cut him off. “That’s what I’m trying to do too, Franklin.”
“So are we laying here saying we can’t do both?”
“I don’t know.”
“How do you feel right now?” he asked.
Should I tell the truth? Yes, tell the damn truth, Zora. “I feel like I’ve been hibernating and you’re the sun and you just shined on me and let me know it’sspring. I feel like I could levitate right up to the ceiling. What about you?”
“I feel like a man who just hit the lottery. That answer your question?”
“You sure this isn’t just the sex?”
“I know the difference between good sex and a good woman, baby.”
Even though I wanted to believe him, wanted to trust him, the sadness still came back. I wanted to find out up front if this man was sincere, so I decided to go ahead and tell him how I really felt. “I’m scared that if I get involved with you and it doesn’t work out, then I’ll be right back where I started—lonely and alone again.”
“You already involved,” he said. “And you ain’t gotta worry about being lonely no more.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“Because I’m here and I ain’t going nowhere until you ask me to leave. You been thinking about me as much as I been thinking about you. So let’s cut the games. That’s why you went out tonight—so you wouldn’t be in here suffocating with them thoughts, trying to figure out what you was feeling and if I was feeling anything close to it. Am I wrong?”
“No, you’re not wrong.” Why didn’t I lie? Why couldn’t I lie? I was opening up too fast and letting him see me. But so was he, wasn’t he? Didn’t he just admit that he’d been thinking about me all day?
“Relax,” he said, and pressed
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