see that it’s the only way? The world is better with him in it. These men are nothing compared to him. Even more than that, he should understand that the department needs to face the punishment that is coming to them. He should see more than anyone else that they need to be brought down. They are to blame for his death. They stopped us from being able to be open about the love we had for each other. All they did was make things hard for us.
We should have been able to tell people about us. If that stupid rule wasn’t in place, I could have just rallied everyone at the station and we could have forced him to get that stupid operation in the first place. He might have lost his leg, but he would still be here. We wouldn’t have lost these last nine months together. And I hate it when he says stuff like this. Why wouldn’t he want me to do everything I could to get him back? I thought he loved me. Why wouldn’t he want me to do what I could to bring him back so we could be together? It hurts me. It makes me feel like I’m nothing to him.
I know that’s silly and it doesn’t make any sense, but that’s how I feel. If he really loved me as much as he said, he wouldn’t have left me in the first place. He would have done everything he could to stay with me. He knew the risks that came from not having the surgery, but he put it off anyway. It was just a stupid leg! Was I not worth more to him than that? It’s not like it meant he would be unable to get around by himself forever. After a few weeks, I’m sure he would have been able to walk around with a prosthetic. He would have been just fine. I know he would have! It’s just not fair!
I feel so stupid for feeling like this, though. I know he loves me, but I guess part of me feels like he would still be here if he loved me more. Arg! I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling so insecure. My insides just tightened and did flips when he told me that today. I wanted to throw up. Part of me, a big part, knows that he’s just trying to look out for me. I still can’t help but feel like he just doesn’t want to be with me, though. Then when I start to think like that, I start to feel like a complete idiot. I just really hate feeling like this. I haven’t been so unsure or insecure since right after we started dating. As much as I hate it, part of me hates him for making me feel like this. I hate him for making me doubt the love he has for me, and I hate him for making me leave the room in tears today. I haven’t even been able to gather the strength to go back in. I don’t know if I’ll be able to tonight. Maybe I’ll just go to the bar.
4/14/09- Ben was ridiculously grumpy today. It was almost obnoxious. I know he’s been taking a lot of crap from the chief and Detective Wilcome, but he doesn't need to be taking it out on everyone else. I almost called him on it, but I thought it would just cause more drama. I guess everyone is entitled to a bad day. Things will be much easier for him when Justin is back. Not just because the vessels will no longer be taken, but because he will have his big brother back to take care of him.
At least I got called out to a big break in today, so I was out of the station for most of the day. It was a pretty nasty home invasion. I know there has been a string of them lately, but this one was bad. They waited until the homeowners were home before going in. They beat them badly and left them tied up in the living room. They were stuck there all night before a friend stopped in to pick the wife up for brunch. They were still at the house this morning when I arrived. Both of them looked pretty bad. One of the wife’s eyes was completely swollen shut. I’m actually amazed they hadn’t been beaten to death. There wasn’t much left at the scene that will tell us who did it. The power and phone lines had been cut,
We should have been able to tell people about us. If that stupid rule wasn’t in place, I could have just rallied everyone at the station and we could have forced him to get that stupid operation in the first place. He might have lost his leg, but he would still be here. We wouldn’t have lost these last nine months together. And I hate it when he says stuff like this. Why wouldn’t he want me to do everything I could to get him back? I thought he loved me. Why wouldn’t he want me to do what I could to bring him back so we could be together? It hurts me. It makes me feel like I’m nothing to him.
I know that’s silly and it doesn’t make any sense, but that’s how I feel. If he really loved me as much as he said, he wouldn’t have left me in the first place. He would have done everything he could to stay with me. He knew the risks that came from not having the surgery, but he put it off anyway. It was just a stupid leg! Was I not worth more to him than that? It’s not like it meant he would be unable to get around by himself forever. After a few weeks, I’m sure he would have been able to walk around with a prosthetic. He would have been just fine. I know he would have! It’s just not fair!
I feel so stupid for feeling like this, though. I know he loves me, but I guess part of me feels like he would still be here if he loved me more. Arg! I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling so insecure. My insides just tightened and did flips when he told me that today. I wanted to throw up. Part of me, a big part, knows that he’s just trying to look out for me. I still can’t help but feel like he just doesn’t want to be with me, though. Then when I start to think like that, I start to feel like a complete idiot. I just really hate feeling like this. I haven’t been so unsure or insecure since right after we started dating. As much as I hate it, part of me hates him for making me feel like this. I hate him for making me doubt the love he has for me, and I hate him for making me leave the room in tears today. I haven’t even been able to gather the strength to go back in. I don’t know if I’ll be able to tonight. Maybe I’ll just go to the bar.
4/14/09- Ben was ridiculously grumpy today. It was almost obnoxious. I know he’s been taking a lot of crap from the chief and Detective Wilcome, but he doesn't need to be taking it out on everyone else. I almost called him on it, but I thought it would just cause more drama. I guess everyone is entitled to a bad day. Things will be much easier for him when Justin is back. Not just because the vessels will no longer be taken, but because he will have his big brother back to take care of him.
At least I got called out to a big break in today, so I was out of the station for most of the day. It was a pretty nasty home invasion. I know there has been a string of them lately, but this one was bad. They waited until the homeowners were home before going in. They beat them badly and left them tied up in the living room. They were stuck there all night before a friend stopped in to pick the wife up for brunch. They were still at the house this morning when I arrived. Both of them looked pretty bad. One of the wife’s eyes was completely swollen shut. I’m actually amazed they hadn’t been beaten to death. There wasn’t much left at the scene that will tell us who did it. The power and phone lines had been cut,
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