much inconvenience? Why had no one ever told me to do that if a tap stops
working? You’d think the guy who put them in might have mentioned it. To be fair, he probably would have done if I hadn’t been hiding so I didn’t have to call him
‘mate’.
This new phone isn’t quite the punishment Graham said it would be. I think I actually prefer it. You don’t have to click on any minuscule icons before making a call.
You just press the numbers and then the call button. The camera’s so terrible I never consider getting it out, which means that if I see something interesting like a sunset or motorway
pile-up, I can enjoy it without worrying about taking a photo. And best of all, I can’t get emails on it, so I get a proper break from work when I’m away from my computer.
It’s possible that onlookers would point and jeer if I used it on the street, but I hate phoning in public anyway. I’ve had so many train journeys ruined by idiots yelling into their
phones that I try not to inflict that pain on others. But if I ever had to use it in public, at least I’d know nobody would want to nick it. And that’s a feature Apple will never be
able to build into their phones.
M ONDAY 1 ST A PRIL
None of the lights were on in the TC Waste Solutions offices when I arrived, but the door was open.
I made my way through reception and down the murky corridor to Trevor’s office. I wondered if he would be waiting behind one of the filing cabinets, ready to spring out and force a pissy
chocolate bar down my throat.
I found Trevor inside his office, inspecting a grey box file.
‘So what was this urgent project?’ I asked.
‘There isn’t one!’ he shouted. ‘April fool!’
I shrugged. I’d forgotten it was April Fools’ Day, but I certainly didn’t mind getting out of another tedious brochure.
‘That wasn’t one of the great April fool jokes, was it?’ I asked.
Trevor lifted an ancient Letts diary out of the box file and flipped through the dusty pages.
‘Let me see,’ he said. ‘April 1st. “Dave Cross told me that Mandy Riley would give me a blowjob if I gave her a pound and said the password ‘Hubba Bubba’.
Mandy slapped me and told Mrs Mitchell. Now I have a week of detention.” Was that one of the greats?’
‘It wasn’t bad,’ I said.
Trevor took a diary with flaky yellow pages out of the box. ‘April 1st. “It turns out that today wasn’t a no-uniform day after all. It was just another prank by Dave Cross. I
was sent home by Mr Jenkins, but not before Dave had rubbed chalk on the crotch of my birthday jeans.” Was that one of the greats?’
‘Again, it was a decent effort,’ I said.
The next diary that Trevor pulled out of the box was so old that the front cover had fallen off. ‘April 1st. “Dave Cross told me that a bird had done a shit on the back of my blazer.
When I took it off to look he grabbed it and threw it in one of the large bins. I had to climb in to get it and when I did Dave got everyone to spin the bin round and round.” Was that one of
the greats?’
‘OK,’ I said. ‘That one was a bit mean. I’m sorry.’
‘Well, don’t be,’ said Trevor. ‘While I was lying in that bin, watching the grey clouds spin round and round, I made a vow to do something with my life. And now I own the
second-biggest industrial bin supplier in the south-east. Do you have your own business?’
‘No,’ I said. ‘You know I don’t.’
‘That’s right,’ said Trevor. ‘Because I’m a winner and you’re a loser. Now for the real April fool joke. I do want you to write me another brochure, after
all. I want it to cover our full range of galvanized wheel bins and I want it by close of play tomorrow.’
T UESDAY 2 ND A PRIL
Three hours. That’s how much sleep I had because of that shitty brochure. I went to sleep at four, and had to set my alarm for seven to have any chance of finishing the
thing.
I couldn’t even make myself a coffee this
working? You’d think the guy who put them in might have mentioned it. To be fair, he probably would have done if I hadn’t been hiding so I didn’t have to call him
‘mate’.
This new phone isn’t quite the punishment Graham said it would be. I think I actually prefer it. You don’t have to click on any minuscule icons before making a call.
You just press the numbers and then the call button. The camera’s so terrible I never consider getting it out, which means that if I see something interesting like a sunset or motorway
pile-up, I can enjoy it without worrying about taking a photo. And best of all, I can’t get emails on it, so I get a proper break from work when I’m away from my computer.
It’s possible that onlookers would point and jeer if I used it on the street, but I hate phoning in public anyway. I’ve had so many train journeys ruined by idiots yelling into their
phones that I try not to inflict that pain on others. But if I ever had to use it in public, at least I’d know nobody would want to nick it. And that’s a feature Apple will never be
able to build into their phones.
M ONDAY 1 ST A PRIL
None of the lights were on in the TC Waste Solutions offices when I arrived, but the door was open.
I made my way through reception and down the murky corridor to Trevor’s office. I wondered if he would be waiting behind one of the filing cabinets, ready to spring out and force a pissy
chocolate bar down my throat.
I found Trevor inside his office, inspecting a grey box file.
‘So what was this urgent project?’ I asked.
‘There isn’t one!’ he shouted. ‘April fool!’
I shrugged. I’d forgotten it was April Fools’ Day, but I certainly didn’t mind getting out of another tedious brochure.
‘That wasn’t one of the great April fool jokes, was it?’ I asked.
Trevor lifted an ancient Letts diary out of the box file and flipped through the dusty pages.
‘Let me see,’ he said. ‘April 1st. “Dave Cross told me that Mandy Riley would give me a blowjob if I gave her a pound and said the password ‘Hubba Bubba’.
Mandy slapped me and told Mrs Mitchell. Now I have a week of detention.” Was that one of the greats?’
‘It wasn’t bad,’ I said.
Trevor took a diary with flaky yellow pages out of the box. ‘April 1st. “It turns out that today wasn’t a no-uniform day after all. It was just another prank by Dave Cross. I
was sent home by Mr Jenkins, but not before Dave had rubbed chalk on the crotch of my birthday jeans.” Was that one of the greats?’
‘Again, it was a decent effort,’ I said.
The next diary that Trevor pulled out of the box was so old that the front cover had fallen off. ‘April 1st. “Dave Cross told me that a bird had done a shit on the back of my blazer.
When I took it off to look he grabbed it and threw it in one of the large bins. I had to climb in to get it and when I did Dave got everyone to spin the bin round and round.” Was that one of
the greats?’
‘OK,’ I said. ‘That one was a bit mean. I’m sorry.’
‘Well, don’t be,’ said Trevor. ‘While I was lying in that bin, watching the grey clouds spin round and round, I made a vow to do something with my life. And now I own the
second-biggest industrial bin supplier in the south-east. Do you have your own business?’
‘No,’ I said. ‘You know I don’t.’
‘That’s right,’ said Trevor. ‘Because I’m a winner and you’re a loser. Now for the real April fool joke. I do want you to write me another brochure, after
all. I want it to cover our full range of galvanized wheel bins and I want it by close of play tomorrow.’
T UESDAY 2 ND A PRIL
Three hours. That’s how much sleep I had because of that shitty brochure. I went to sleep at four, and had to set my alarm for seven to have any chance of finishing the
thing.
I couldn’t even make myself a coffee this
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