the difficulty of maintaining a speed that’s slow enough so you won’t get a fine but fast
enough that you don’t end up annoying everyone else and getting stuck behind caravans on bank holidays and Sunday afternoons in Halfords and conversations with distant relatives about whether
A roads are quicker than motorways and traffic wardens fining you for being a millimetre over the white lines and the garages that say they’ll have your car ready by Tuesday and then pretend
they have to send off for some parts because they didn’t get it done on time and men with squeegees who throw filthy water over your windscreen and demand money to wash it off and people who
sneak into the parking space you’ve been waiting half an hour for and getting a puncture on a motorway at night and trying to work out how to use the jack so you won’t have to make a
humiliating call to the AA and getting stuck with an ambulance behind you and a guy who doesn’t seem in much of a hurry in front and not knowing what the button next to the steering wheel
does and pressing it only for nothing to happen and drivers who’ve somehow passed their tests without learning how to signal and drinking mineral water because you’re the designated
driver at a party that would need at least three bottles of gin to get through and BMW drivers who can afford to pay the fine so they double park and stick their hazard lights on while they pop
into Waitrose for some sun-blushed tomatoes…’
‘OK, I get it, grumpy bear,’ said Jen.
‘But I haven’t got on to cyclists yet,’ I said. ‘They’re the part I hate most.’
T HURSDAY 4 TH A PRIL
Another of Josh’s ‘kickstart’ meetings this morning and this time the finger quotes went into overdrive. Apparently our latest account wins show we’re
‘on the runway’ and we’ve got the ‘bandwidth’ to succeed. If he doesn’t stop using these buzzwords soon, he’ll give himself repetitive strain injury. He
said he’d like more of us to ‘take ownership’ of accounts to foster an environment of ‘co-opertition’.
Josh used the phrase ‘what I like to call’ so much that he even started saying it before perfectly normal words like ‘results’. When he’s at home he probably asks
his wife for ‘what I like to call a cup of coffee with what I like to call two sugars’.
I drifted off about ten minutes into Josh’s bullshit, but I’m sure I heard him mention the word ‘hotdesking’ at one point. I think that means everyone has to move desks
all the time for no reason other than to introduce the stress of musical chairs into the workplace. If he thinks I’m going to give up my spot against the back wall just so he can trot out
more jargon, he can shove it up his bandwidth.
This afternoon I told Jo I wasn’t going to the party, and I think she was upset. Actually, I have no idea if she was upset or not. She never gives anything away. But what if she was? What
if she’s going through the exact same thing as me? What if she’s writing a secret diary about her feelings for an older man in her office? After all, she was the one who started it with
that Valentine’s card. It was probably ironic, but what if she really meant it?
I tried to take my mind off things by watching a film tonight. I browsed through all the film channels I subscribe to, and at first it looked like good news. There was
Arthur
,
Get Carter
,
Straw Dogs
and
The Wicker Man
. All movies I wouldn’t mind seeing again. Unfortunately, they all turned out to be appalling remakes. Who exactly
are these remakes for? Do modern filmgoers find they can’t follow the plot if the actors have outmoded clothing and hairstyles? They have no problem believing that costume-wearing vigilantes
can defeat criminal gangs with their homemade utility belts, but show them a pair of flares or an unruly sideburn and you’ve lost them.
F RIDAY 5 TH A PRIL
Josh came over this morning to tell me that Trevor thinks
enough that you don’t end up annoying everyone else and getting stuck behind caravans on bank holidays and Sunday afternoons in Halfords and conversations with distant relatives about whether
A roads are quicker than motorways and traffic wardens fining you for being a millimetre over the white lines and the garages that say they’ll have your car ready by Tuesday and then pretend
they have to send off for some parts because they didn’t get it done on time and men with squeegees who throw filthy water over your windscreen and demand money to wash it off and people who
sneak into the parking space you’ve been waiting half an hour for and getting a puncture on a motorway at night and trying to work out how to use the jack so you won’t have to make a
humiliating call to the AA and getting stuck with an ambulance behind you and a guy who doesn’t seem in much of a hurry in front and not knowing what the button next to the steering wheel
does and pressing it only for nothing to happen and drivers who’ve somehow passed their tests without learning how to signal and drinking mineral water because you’re the designated
driver at a party that would need at least three bottles of gin to get through and BMW drivers who can afford to pay the fine so they double park and stick their hazard lights on while they pop
into Waitrose for some sun-blushed tomatoes…’
‘OK, I get it, grumpy bear,’ said Jen.
‘But I haven’t got on to cyclists yet,’ I said. ‘They’re the part I hate most.’
T HURSDAY 4 TH A PRIL
Another of Josh’s ‘kickstart’ meetings this morning and this time the finger quotes went into overdrive. Apparently our latest account wins show we’re
‘on the runway’ and we’ve got the ‘bandwidth’ to succeed. If he doesn’t stop using these buzzwords soon, he’ll give himself repetitive strain injury. He
said he’d like more of us to ‘take ownership’ of accounts to foster an environment of ‘co-opertition’.
Josh used the phrase ‘what I like to call’ so much that he even started saying it before perfectly normal words like ‘results’. When he’s at home he probably asks
his wife for ‘what I like to call a cup of coffee with what I like to call two sugars’.
I drifted off about ten minutes into Josh’s bullshit, but I’m sure I heard him mention the word ‘hotdesking’ at one point. I think that means everyone has to move desks
all the time for no reason other than to introduce the stress of musical chairs into the workplace. If he thinks I’m going to give up my spot against the back wall just so he can trot out
more jargon, he can shove it up his bandwidth.
This afternoon I told Jo I wasn’t going to the party, and I think she was upset. Actually, I have no idea if she was upset or not. She never gives anything away. But what if she was? What
if she’s going through the exact same thing as me? What if she’s writing a secret diary about her feelings for an older man in her office? After all, she was the one who started it with
that Valentine’s card. It was probably ironic, but what if she really meant it?
I tried to take my mind off things by watching a film tonight. I browsed through all the film channels I subscribe to, and at first it looked like good news. There was
Arthur
,
Get Carter
,
Straw Dogs
and
The Wicker Man
. All movies I wouldn’t mind seeing again. Unfortunately, they all turned out to be appalling remakes. Who exactly
are these remakes for? Do modern filmgoers find they can’t follow the plot if the actors have outmoded clothing and hairstyles? They have no problem believing that costume-wearing vigilantes
can defeat criminal gangs with their homemade utility belts, but show them a pair of flares or an unruly sideburn and you’ve lost them.
F RIDAY 5 TH A PRIL
Josh came over this morning to tell me that Trevor thinks
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