released me from my contract here much earlier than I thought. So if you wanted, I could start next week.’
There was a pause.
‘ Actually, there’s a bit of a problem with that, Emily. The job doesn’t start officially until March, which I believe I mentioned in our interview. Great you could start earlier, but ce n’est pas possible, I’m afraid.’ He had to show off his knowledge of French, but I knew it was to cover up embarrassment.
‘ Oh, don’t worry. It's fine. I’ll be a lady of leisure for a while then.’ I kept my voice light while swearing inside.
I felt like phoning Jamie then and shouting down the phone at him about how he’d messed up my life, but that wouldn’t be fair. I wasn’t going back to the college, though. I couldn’t. I’d just have to manage on my savings for a month.
Tuesday 13th February
I did one final big shop on my last salary fr om the college.
I went to my normal supermarket as there was no reason to go out of town anymore. I saw people I knew from college in the distance, but avoided them. I must have looked so suspicious, dodging down the aisles. I’m surprised a security guard didn’t question me.
At the checkout I saw him, with his father, buying what looked like the weekly shop. I had seen some boys before helping their parents with the shopping and said a cheery hello, even got a cheery response or two. Not this time though.
‘ Madam? Please put your pin number in,’ prompted the checkout assistant.
‘ Oh, sorry. Miles away there.’ I tapped in the number mindlessly, then looked up. Jamie and his dad were still there. Please don’t let Mr Norton see me, I prayed. I fiddled with my shopping to avoid having to pass them, and luckily they finished before I did, so I could skulk along a few yards behind them.
At the store entrance, there was a queue and we had to wait. It was Valentine’s Day tomorrow, there were hearts and flowers all over the place.
Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on
warbled Celine Dion over the loudspeakers.
I was suddenly aware that this was the lowest point in my life. Ever. What had I become?
As the queue moved, Jamie turned a little and caught my eye. I couldn’t look away, like a rabbit in the headlights. He gave the hint of a smile, to which I think I smiled back, probably completely unnaturally as I was trying too hard. He looked as if he couldn’t believe it was me. Or was he just trapped into smiling because I was right behind him? Or was it because it was a public place and he didn’t want to make a scene? Endless possibilities.
I don’t expect to see him again. We live in different worlds. That type of boy is hard to get to know: they have complicated, extended families, their own secret worlds of drugs, crime and sex. Obviously I did get to know Jamie - too well - but now I expect him to disappear back under the surface again into his insecure, risky life, constantly at the mercy of gang loyalties and dubious activities.
I feel a kind of closure - can you have slight closure, or does it have to be dramatic? The tension between Jamie and me had built up for so long in class that perhaps it had been inevitable that something would happen between us.
I think I have a problem with men. I want them to love me too much, but I also want to hurt them. I know it was wrong to do all that with Jamie, but as Tess said, he was involved too, it wasn’t one sided. Sometimes chemistry just sparks between people, whoever they are, and it is either resolved or not. Maybe there’s nothing we can do about it. We are animals, after all.
So now I’ve got a month’s ‘holiday’. I ignored the calls from the college asking where I was. Let them work it out. They don’t know where my call centre job is so they can’t mess that up for me. At least I hope they can’t. And I don’t think Jamie’s
There was a pause.
‘ Actually, there’s a bit of a problem with that, Emily. The job doesn’t start officially until March, which I believe I mentioned in our interview. Great you could start earlier, but ce n’est pas possible, I’m afraid.’ He had to show off his knowledge of French, but I knew it was to cover up embarrassment.
‘ Oh, don’t worry. It's fine. I’ll be a lady of leisure for a while then.’ I kept my voice light while swearing inside.
I felt like phoning Jamie then and shouting down the phone at him about how he’d messed up my life, but that wouldn’t be fair. I wasn’t going back to the college, though. I couldn’t. I’d just have to manage on my savings for a month.
Tuesday 13th February
I did one final big shop on my last salary fr om the college.
I went to my normal supermarket as there was no reason to go out of town anymore. I saw people I knew from college in the distance, but avoided them. I must have looked so suspicious, dodging down the aisles. I’m surprised a security guard didn’t question me.
At the checkout I saw him, with his father, buying what looked like the weekly shop. I had seen some boys before helping their parents with the shopping and said a cheery hello, even got a cheery response or two. Not this time though.
‘ Madam? Please put your pin number in,’ prompted the checkout assistant.
‘ Oh, sorry. Miles away there.’ I tapped in the number mindlessly, then looked up. Jamie and his dad were still there. Please don’t let Mr Norton see me, I prayed. I fiddled with my shopping to avoid having to pass them, and luckily they finished before I did, so I could skulk along a few yards behind them.
At the store entrance, there was a queue and we had to wait. It was Valentine’s Day tomorrow, there were hearts and flowers all over the place.
Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on
warbled Celine Dion over the loudspeakers.
I was suddenly aware that this was the lowest point in my life. Ever. What had I become?
As the queue moved, Jamie turned a little and caught my eye. I couldn’t look away, like a rabbit in the headlights. He gave the hint of a smile, to which I think I smiled back, probably completely unnaturally as I was trying too hard. He looked as if he couldn’t believe it was me. Or was he just trapped into smiling because I was right behind him? Or was it because it was a public place and he didn’t want to make a scene? Endless possibilities.
I don’t expect to see him again. We live in different worlds. That type of boy is hard to get to know: they have complicated, extended families, their own secret worlds of drugs, crime and sex. Obviously I did get to know Jamie - too well - but now I expect him to disappear back under the surface again into his insecure, risky life, constantly at the mercy of gang loyalties and dubious activities.
I feel a kind of closure - can you have slight closure, or does it have to be dramatic? The tension between Jamie and me had built up for so long in class that perhaps it had been inevitable that something would happen between us.
I think I have a problem with men. I want them to love me too much, but I also want to hurt them. I know it was wrong to do all that with Jamie, but as Tess said, he was involved too, it wasn’t one sided. Sometimes chemistry just sparks between people, whoever they are, and it is either resolved or not. Maybe there’s nothing we can do about it. We are animals, after all.
So now I’ve got a month’s ‘holiday’. I ignored the calls from the college asking where I was. Let them work it out. They don’t know where my call centre job is so they can’t mess that up for me. At least I hope they can’t. And I don’t think Jamie’s
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