Dear Zari: Hidden Stories from Women of Afghanistan by Zarghuna Kargar

woman on the phone said she was Pana’s auntie, and began crying. I realised that Pana and her auntie were the relatives my mother had wanted me to get in touch with about money for a wedding. I remembered Pana’s mother from childhood memories of when I lived in Kabul. She would often come to our house and, because she was family, would sometimes stay the night, but when the war broke out she had gone to live with her parents in Pakistan. She’d got married, had a boy and a girl, but tragically died when her daughter was only two months old, leaving both her children to be looked after by their grandparents. The grandfather was a traditional village man who believed in following old customs, one of which was the practice of using women to settle disputes, known as dukhmany .
    I asked the auntie how Pana was, remembering how, after her mother died, my family and I had been very concerned about her, for she was still very young. Her auntie said she was well but that since she was only a child she didn’t know what was happening to her. She then told me she was in a hurry and couldn’t chat for long.
    ‘Zari dear, I just called really to say that Pana is getting married andwe need money to buy her some clothes and a few other things. It would be nice if you could help us out.’
    I was surprised to hear that Pana was going to be married, since, according to my calculations, she was only eleven years old. I agreed to send some money, but asked why Pana was getting married. There was no answer to my question as the phone line suddenly went dead. I was shocked by what I’d heard but still wanted to help them out.
    It’s not unusual for girls in Afghanistan to be married at the age of twelve or thirteen, regardless of their ethnic background or whether they come from rich or poor families. When an Afghan girl reaches puberty her parents begin to worry if no one has yet asked for her hand, and girls are often married when they are far too young to cope with the physical and mental demands of marriage. They are still children who should be living with their mothers – rather than becoming mothers themselves – and tend to be completely ignorant about sex and childbirth, as a well brought-up girl is not expected to know anything about such matters. So as soon as a girl starts her monthly period, plans for her future married life are put in train: a husband is chosen and new clothes are bought. Overnight her life changes for ever as she goes from being a carefree schoolgirl to a dutiful daughter-in-law and wife who must look after her husband. That said, pleasing her in-laws is just as important as keeping her husband happy; some wives have told me how they’ve been humiliated if they’ve failed to cook a suitably lavish meal for the whole family.
    The legal position on whether a child should be used to settle a dispute is clear: a girl must not get married unless she is sixteen years of age. But in villages where tribal traditions prevail, many families are not aware of the law. If such an arrangement is officially reported it might go to court and be formally dealt with, but if it is a poor, homeless woman who tries to file a complaint, she may find herself being unfairly judged by the police and thereby make herself yet more vulnerable. Terrible things have happened to those women whosecases did get to court. In fact, it’s very hard to find a case that has actually been handled in accordance with the law, so most of these marriages simply go unreported.
    After talking to a number of human rights and feminist activists I discovered that many premature and forced marriages are arranged as a way of solving a family dispute or problem. Sometimes daughters are exchanged to enable the son of the family to marry, and sometimes disputes are settled by giving a girl away. No matter that the Afghan constitution, which is based on sharia law, says it is illegal. Sadly the government and courts have little power to intervene in