Darned if You Do by Monica Ferris Page A

went out to the backyard and used the outdoor faucet to wash up as best they could. Jill brought out a dirty old bottle of Palmolive she’d found in the kitchen, which helped a little, though they had to dry their hands on whatever clean spots they could find on their clothing.
    Then they sat down on the overgrown lawn—it was a warm, sunny day—to wait for Connor and exchanged stories about the things they’d found.
    Emily described the goose-egg object with its collection of tiny needlework aids. “Georgine says it’s not a chatelaine, but she couldn’t remember the proper name for it.”
    â€œWait a minute, wait a minute,” said Godwin. “I know! It’s a . . . an etty. Or etu. Something like that.”
    â€œMaybe you’re thinking of an emu,” said Phil, mock-serious.
    â€œNo, that’s a bird,” said Doris, laughing.
    â€œThere’s a bird sitting on top of it,” Phil pointed out, although he was smiling as he said it.
    â€œIt’s a pelican,” said Emily.
    â€œWhy a pelican?” Valentina wondered aloud.
    Jill burst out, “‘A wonderful bird is the pelican. His beak can hold more than his belly can. He can hold in his beak enough food for a week, but I’m darned if I know how the hellican!’”
    â€œNice, nice, nice!” said Phil, laughing.
    â€œOne of the few good limericks that aren’t naughty,” observed Doris with a wry smile.
    â€œWhat do you know about naughty limericks?” asked Godwin slyly.
    â€œNot much,” acknowledged Doris. “But, ‘The limerick packs laughs anatomical, into space that is quite economical; but the good ones I’ve seen, so seldom are clean, and the clean ones so seldom are comical.’”
    â€œAnd I think we’d better stop right there,” said Jill, with an amused hint of her cop’s voice, casting a sideways glance at Emily.
    Emily saw the look and laughed aloud. “But there are plenty of ‘clean’ limericks!” she pointed out. “And they are too funny! I recite them to my children all the time!”
    â€œGood for you, child,” said Godwin with a sage nod that included the others. Then he kindly changed the subject. “Does anyone here present think the house is salvageable?” he asked.
    â€œIf it were completely rewired, maybe,” said Jill. “And replumbed. Property in Excelsior is high-end, so it would probably be worth the expense to upgrade it.”
    Valentina said, “Why don’t you go to the corner of the house and look down along the length of the sill?”
    Jill looked at Valentina for a long moment, then got up and went to peer down one side of the house. She stood there for a while, frowning, then went to the other side for a look. “I see what you mean,” she said as she came back to join the group on the lawn.
    â€œWhat does she mean?” asked Godwin. He leaned sideways but couldn’t see far enough to look down the line of the house.
    â€œGo see for yourself.”
    Godwin rose and went to look. The group could hear his proclaimed, “Uh-oh!” He came back and said, “The walls are going crooked at the bottom.”
    Alarmed, Emily said, “Is it safe to go back in?”
    â€œSure it is,” said Valentina.
    Phil got up and went for a look, too. He came back shaking his head. “It’s safe enough for the moment, I agree, but I don’t think the house can be saved. Oh, and look, Connor’s just pulling up out front.”
    In another minute Connor came into the backyard. He was laden with white paper bags marked with golden arches, a heavenly odor wafting in his wake.
    The burgers and chicken sandwiches were distributed, along with plastic forks that Connor had thoughtfully supplied so that the fries could be eaten without anyone’s fingers touching them.
    â€œSo, what are we talking about?” asked Connor