California Diaries # 11: Dawn III: Missing by Whitney

desk, looking out my window, and Sunny has just come
    outside. She’s sitting on her back stoop.
    Oh god. I think she’s crying.
    It’s time for me to go to her.
    Saturday night 3/13
    My heart was pounding SO LOUDLY as I walked across our backyard and
    into Sunny’s yard. I barely even noticed how warm it was, unusually warm for
    March. All I could think about was Sunny. She was sitting on the top of the stoop,
    kind of hunched over. Her shoulders were shaking. I know she saw me coming,
    but she didn’t say anything. She didn’t leave, though, either, and that was a good
    sign.
    I had no idea what to say, so I just sat down next to her. When she didn’t
    move, I put my arm across her shoulders. She still didn’t move, so we sat like
    that for awhile. After a long time (well, it felt like a long time), Sunny’s shoulders stopped shaking. She lifted her head and looked at me.
    “I guess you heard,” she said.
    I nodded. “Carol told me.”
    “And?”
    I wasn’t sure what Sunny wanted me to say. “And…well, I didn’t
    understand at first. But now I do. I cried for a long time.”
    Sunny nodded. “They don’t know how long it will be. I mean, how long…
    Mom will live. Maybe a few weeks. Maybe a couple of months.”
    I turned around and glanced at the door behind us. Sunny looked too. We
    couldn’t see inside, but Sunny said, “There’s a nurse here right now. There are
    three or four of them and they rotate shifts. I feel like I’m living at the hospital.”
    “It must be horrible.”
    “It’s pretty bad.” Sunny poked at a pebble with her toe. Then she looked at
    me. “Dawn, I’m real y sorry,” she said.
    “That’s okay.” I wasn’t sure it real y was, but I didn’t know what else to say
    at the moment. I think what I meant was that I knew it would be okay. Eventual y.
    “I know I’ve been, well…”
    “Mean?” I suggested. I couldn’t help it. I knew Sunny was hurting, but she
    had hurt me too. Badly. And I wanted her to know that. If she weren’t my best
    friend, I guess it wouldn’t have mattered so much. But she was my best friend.
    Even after everything that had happened.
    “Have I been mean?” asked Sunny,
    “Sometimes.”
    “I’m sorry. I’ve really missed you.”
    “I’ve missed you too. But you kept pushing me away.”
    “I know.”
    I didn’t press Sunny for an explanation. I was sure Carol had been right.
    Anyway, the point was that Sunny had missed me.
    And I thought perhaps she needed me now. It had been a long time since
    she had confided her feelings in me. Surely that meant something. I decided I
    was willing to try on our friendship again. I’d been without it for so long that I’d
    forgotten just what it felt like, only that it used to be wonderful.
    “Maybe we could forget about the last few months,” I said. As if that were
    possible. It seemed like a good thing to say, though. And if we both tried very,
    very hard…
    “Really?”
    I nodded. “Yeah.”
    “Okay.”
    “Just promise me something.”
    “What?” said Sunny warily.
    “That the next time you’re sad or upset, instead of disappearing, cal me.
    Or come over. Or call Maggie or Amalia.”
    “Or Ducky?” said Sunny.
    “Definitely Ducky.”
    “He called this morning.”
    “Did you talk?”
    “A little. It was hard because things were kind of busy here. But he’s
    coming over later.”
    “Ducky loves you, you know, Sunny. He thinks of you as his sister.”
    “I know.”
    I smiled at Sunny. She smiled back. It was a sad smile, but still.
    “Do you want to see Mom?” Sunny asked me.
    “Okay,” I replied.
    We stood up. Then we put our arms around each other and walked into
    Sunny’s house.