Curses! by J. A. Kazimer

slightly overweight princess and a grumpy bag of wind named Rip. The name suited the grey-bearded man quite well. In fact, as soon as we sat down, Rip let one rip. The stench was so bad that even the drunkest of the patrons staggered from their bar stools and out the tavern door.
    Rip shrugged his shoulders. “I had burritos for lunch.”
    Like twenty years ago, by the smell of it. Rather than comment on his stench, I jammed my hand over my nose and tried to control the tears leaking from my eyes. Asia’s fingers brushed mine, sending a shiver along my skin. I swallowed hard and did my best to grin and avoid throwing up.
    Things could’ve been worse.
    â€œWhat’d you want,” Rip said, burping another cloud of toxins into the air. His eyes narrowed and he leaned forward. “Don’t I know you from somewhere?” he asked me. “You look familiar.”
    â€œI have that kind of face,” I said. Which was partially true. God had blessed me with villainous good looks, chiseled features, and lips meant for kissing demented princesses.
    Or was it princi?
    â€œNever mind that.” Asia waved her hand. “I need your help, Rip.”
    â€œFor you, my sweet maiden, I’d sleep for a thousand years.”
    I smothered a groan.
    â€œWhat can you tell me about my curse? Is there a way to break it?” Asia tilted her head, her eyes locked on the older man’s filmy grey ones. Skinny or fat, no one would be able to resist my princess for long. Rip proved to be no exception. I hoped like hell when the time came I was made of stronger stuff. None of that puppy-dog-tail crap. Forget the snails too. I’d need steel bollocks to walk away from a princess like Asia.
    â€œOnly one way to break such a dangerous and powerful curse.” After a brief pause to exhale a fetid breath, Rip rubbed his whiskered chin. “Truth be told, even I, one of the wisest and bravest men in the kingdom, wouldn’t dare to break a curse so vile. How can such a sweet young lady have the courage?”
    I nearly sprained my eye sockets with my eye roll. Bravest? Really? The dude took a nap. What was so freaking hard about that? “Yeah, you’re a prince among men. Anyway ...”
    Asia covered her smile with the back of her hand. “I’m sure you’re right, Rip, but I’d like to give it a try. Can you help us?”
    He nodded, farted once, twice, and then a third time. A stench so foul even the three little pigs would’ve gagged drifted in the air around us. “To break the curse, the cursed must possess the Devil’s Eye.” He shivered as if the very words chilled his old ass. Either that or he finally got a whiff of himself. Valiantly, he continued, pausing long enough to add, “Do you smell that?” before finishing his tale. “And in the Eye, the cursed will see the past, present, and future. Good and evil. She will see beauty and death, a lover and a liar.”
    Not good. If Asia possessed the Devil’s Eye she would learn the truth about me, about my villainous past, about my even more dastardly plot to relieve her of her virginity.
    But without it, she would never be free.
    Rip let out another loud belch. “In the end, she who possesses the Eye will either accept what is reflected back or else ...”
    â€œOr else what?” I asked after a few seconds.
    â€œHow should I know?” He shrugged. “I’m old, not a fucking rocket scientist.”
    Some help he was. I started to say just that, but Asia interrupted. Oh well, not like I could’ve told the old bastard off anyway.
    â€œRip,” Asia said. “What is the Devil’s Eye?”
    â€œEvil.” Rip stroked his chin. “The Devil’s Eye is pure evil born of an unholy alliance.”
    Britney and K-Fed?
    Rip continued, “It is said to possess all the knowledge in the Universe.”
    That left those two out.
    â€œThose who gaze into the