your brothers, I settled on two drugs instead,
but don’t get it twisted. You don’t fix this shit with Lil n’ get her ass back home
to us, it’ll be some Arsenic in your meatloaf next time.” She says and smiles sweetly
at me. No clue how Stitch puts up with her scary ass.
“Sorry I fucked shit up.” I give her my half-assed apology. No clue why I’m telling
her sorry. It wasn’t her heart I broke. Cali isn’t the woman I fucked over.
She shakes her head and says, “No, you’re not. If you were sorry, you wouldn’t have
kept doin’ it to her.” Alright then, whatever.
“Not gonna argue with you Cali.” Again she shakes her head.
“I know your fuckin’ not, but what you’re gonna do is pull it together n’ fix it.
It’s your job.”
“Yeah?” I challenge her, even though I’d rather grab up my bottle and drown my problems
instead of sit here and bullshit with Cali.
“Yeah Tank. You’re a fuckin’ man. You fix shit n’ hold it down, it’s your goddamn
job. That shit that happened with Lil was bad. She almost died on you, but she almost
died on us too.” I go to say something but she stops me with a hand in my face. “Shut
up. You’re gonna listen to me.” Damn this bitch is annoying.
“That shit that night was as bad as it gets, but it’s your job as Lil’s man to be
strong for her, not the other way around. She’s the one who went through being tortured,
beaten and shot, not you. Yet, she was taking care of you and making excuses for your
sorry ass ‘cause you cant’ let people help you. You ever stop to think with all the
shit from that night, the shit with her mom, and the shit with Low now, that she may
need your ass? Your Old Lady, your Lil may need someone to lean on? Maybe she needs
someone to be strong for her? She’s been through all this shit, and she’s the one
who’s been handlin’ your stupid ass. I hope you feel less than a man, because you
are. Everyone sees you this way now and you should feel ashamed that it was your woman
who should’ve had you to help her through it, not you havin’ your woman takin’ care
of you.” Well Fuck.
How many times have I tried to think of ways to move past this? I’m so goddamn selfish
I didn’t even think about it that way. She’s so fucking strong, I never thought she’d
need me. Again I go to say something, but she shuts me right up.
“You shut your fuckin’ mouth, square your shoulders n’ buck the fuck up for her when
she needs you. You’re gettin’ stressed ‘bout it or shit is botherin’ you, you bring
that shit to your brothers. You know they’ll help you. Don’t put that shit on her.
She’s lost so much already, almost lost her life, so can’t you stop your own fuckin’
pity party to see that? Don’t let your shit fuck her up any more than it already has.
She loves you. You love her. So what the fuck is the problem? You have to prepare
yourself for the fact that Lil will die someday.” I don’t wanna hear that kind of
shit.
“Don’t say that fucked up shit to me.”
“Shut up Tank.” She glares at me. I decide to shut up so she’ll hurry and get out
of my room. “Lil will die. It’s life. We all will, but sittin’ ‘round, constantly
thinkin’ about it ain’t livin’. Wasn’t your fault Josh was crazy. Not a goddamn one
of us saw that comin’. Shit happened, but you can’t live everyday worried she’ll die.
Life ain’t worth livin’ if you’re gonna live it like that. Love her n’ enjoy her while
you’ve got her Tank. If you hadn’t fucked it all up, you would’ve had your forever
with her. She loved you like that. You have to wanna do it for yourself, but please,
for Lil, you need to fix this. She deserves that much.” She deserves so much more
than that.
****
A few weeks later …
So I’ve pulled my fucking shit together, sort of.
but don’t get it twisted. You don’t fix this shit with Lil n’ get her ass back home
to us, it’ll be some Arsenic in your meatloaf next time.” She says and smiles sweetly
at me. No clue how Stitch puts up with her scary ass.
“Sorry I fucked shit up.” I give her my half-assed apology. No clue why I’m telling
her sorry. It wasn’t her heart I broke. Cali isn’t the woman I fucked over.
She shakes her head and says, “No, you’re not. If you were sorry, you wouldn’t have
kept doin’ it to her.” Alright then, whatever.
“Not gonna argue with you Cali.” Again she shakes her head.
“I know your fuckin’ not, but what you’re gonna do is pull it together n’ fix it.
It’s your job.”
“Yeah?” I challenge her, even though I’d rather grab up my bottle and drown my problems
instead of sit here and bullshit with Cali.
“Yeah Tank. You’re a fuckin’ man. You fix shit n’ hold it down, it’s your goddamn
job. That shit that happened with Lil was bad. She almost died on you, but she almost
died on us too.” I go to say something but she stops me with a hand in my face. “Shut
up. You’re gonna listen to me.” Damn this bitch is annoying.
“That shit that night was as bad as it gets, but it’s your job as Lil’s man to be
strong for her, not the other way around. She’s the one who went through being tortured,
beaten and shot, not you. Yet, she was taking care of you and making excuses for your
sorry ass ‘cause you cant’ let people help you. You ever stop to think with all the
shit from that night, the shit with her mom, and the shit with Low now, that she may
need your ass? Your Old Lady, your Lil may need someone to lean on? Maybe she needs
someone to be strong for her? She’s been through all this shit, and she’s the one
who’s been handlin’ your stupid ass. I hope you feel less than a man, because you
are. Everyone sees you this way now and you should feel ashamed that it was your woman
who should’ve had you to help her through it, not you havin’ your woman takin’ care
of you.” Well Fuck.
How many times have I tried to think of ways to move past this? I’m so goddamn selfish
I didn’t even think about it that way. She’s so fucking strong, I never thought she’d
need me. Again I go to say something, but she shuts me right up.
“You shut your fuckin’ mouth, square your shoulders n’ buck the fuck up for her when
she needs you. You’re gettin’ stressed ‘bout it or shit is botherin’ you, you bring
that shit to your brothers. You know they’ll help you. Don’t put that shit on her.
She’s lost so much already, almost lost her life, so can’t you stop your own fuckin’
pity party to see that? Don’t let your shit fuck her up any more than it already has.
She loves you. You love her. So what the fuck is the problem? You have to prepare
yourself for the fact that Lil will die someday.” I don’t wanna hear that kind of
shit.
“Don’t say that fucked up shit to me.”
“Shut up Tank.” She glares at me. I decide to shut up so she’ll hurry and get out
of my room. “Lil will die. It’s life. We all will, but sittin’ ‘round, constantly
thinkin’ about it ain’t livin’. Wasn’t your fault Josh was crazy. Not a goddamn one
of us saw that comin’. Shit happened, but you can’t live everyday worried she’ll die.
Life ain’t worth livin’ if you’re gonna live it like that. Love her n’ enjoy her while
you’ve got her Tank. If you hadn’t fucked it all up, you would’ve had your forever
with her. She loved you like that. You have to wanna do it for yourself, but please,
for Lil, you need to fix this. She deserves that much.” She deserves so much more
than that.
****
A few weeks later …
So I’ve pulled my fucking shit together, sort of.
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