That had been the furthest thing from our minds.
“Well, obviously not me,” Harry piped up. “You know I’ll self-destruct.”
“Of course, Harry,” I reassured him. “We wouldn’t put you through that. You’ll play a beautiful piece in their honor.”
“Well, it’s not going to be me, either,” Matthew announced. “Sorry, I know you guys might think it’s the role of the oldest, but I just had to put it out there that it’s not an option, okay? I’m dealing with… some
stuff
right now.”
I gave him a quizzical look. “Stuff?” Stuff, as in
guilt
?
“I’m sorry to hear it, bro,” Harry said with a sarcastic look. “I thought we were all dealing with some
stuff
right now.”
Matthew ignored him. “Hugo would be great,” he continued. “Hugo, you’re so upbeat and positive. Everyoneloves kids. Especially when they get all poetic in a kidlike way…”
“About their dead parents,” Harry finished. “Brilliant, Matty.” Harry is so much better at sarcasm than I am.
“Are you nuts?” Hugo asked. “I’m ten. I’m officially
not responsible
for
anything
.”
“Of course not,” I reassured Hugo. “We wouldn’t put you through that. You’ll be a pallbearer. The best, strongest pallbearer ever.”
“Tandy’s the obvious choice,” Harry said with an encouraging nod at me. “You’d be in complete control. You’d say all the right things, and you wouldn’t spill a tear.”
That was a compliment, right? Yes, I reasoned. It was.
So why was I feeling a little… offended?
Matthew dug in. “No offense, Tan, but that’s the problem. No emotion. Screw Dr. Keyes, man. Who wants a robot up there speaking at a funeral?”
34
I left the living room
without saying anything to anyone. Harry called after me, but I just kept walking—yes,
robotically
—down the hallway to my room.
I entered the space that had been my safe place ever since I could remember and closed the door before someone saw me do something I would never live down.
I sat cross-legged on my bed and looked through the window at my grand view of Central Park. The fluffy treetops were like a green reflection of the clouds above, and there was a wide band of blue between the canopy and the sky.
I hardly understood what was going on as my throat tightened up and my gut began to heave. I started to breakdown. Before I knew it, I was shaking and croaking and gasping for air. And that quickly turned into sobbing, which wracked my body with convulsions that threw me facedown on the bed in a big wet mess.
I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t turn off the cascade of feelings that I didn’t fully understand.
I am not a robot.
When I was finally able to take a few breaths without shuddering, I wiped my face with my sleeves and sat very still. I had no previous experience with all-out grief, but I had to admit the obvious:
I missed my parents, and I was scared. About what this would do to each of my siblings, and about what my siblings would do to one another. And about what would happen if one of them really was guilty. Would I protect him as fiercely, and without conscience, as my parents had protected me?
But there was more. I realized I’d lost something that until that moment I hadn’t appreciated. My parents were supposed to live until they were so old that they
wanted
to die. I was supposed to learn from them, and fight them to the wall every time we disagreed, and eventually go into the world on my own.
Now I understood that an unspoken promise had been broken. As unreasonable as it may seem to you, friend, Iwas furious at them for abandoning me and Harry and Hugo and even Matthew, who hated them. I felt betrayed.
For one thing, I had never forgiven them for Katherine’s death.
It was a hard kernel of anger that I could barely stand to examine.
And there was another thing I’d never forgiven them for.
CONFESSION
The kiss.
Destroyed. Forever. Malcolm and Maud ruined it.
It was my first kiss. It was once the
“Well, obviously not me,” Harry piped up. “You know I’ll self-destruct.”
“Of course, Harry,” I reassured him. “We wouldn’t put you through that. You’ll play a beautiful piece in their honor.”
“Well, it’s not going to be me, either,” Matthew announced. “Sorry, I know you guys might think it’s the role of the oldest, but I just had to put it out there that it’s not an option, okay? I’m dealing with… some
stuff
right now.”
I gave him a quizzical look. “Stuff?” Stuff, as in
guilt
?
“I’m sorry to hear it, bro,” Harry said with a sarcastic look. “I thought we were all dealing with some
stuff
right now.”
Matthew ignored him. “Hugo would be great,” he continued. “Hugo, you’re so upbeat and positive. Everyoneloves kids. Especially when they get all poetic in a kidlike way…”
“About their dead parents,” Harry finished. “Brilliant, Matty.” Harry is so much better at sarcasm than I am.
“Are you nuts?” Hugo asked. “I’m ten. I’m officially
not responsible
for
anything
.”
“Of course not,” I reassured Hugo. “We wouldn’t put you through that. You’ll be a pallbearer. The best, strongest pallbearer ever.”
“Tandy’s the obvious choice,” Harry said with an encouraging nod at me. “You’d be in complete control. You’d say all the right things, and you wouldn’t spill a tear.”
That was a compliment, right? Yes, I reasoned. It was.
So why was I feeling a little… offended?
Matthew dug in. “No offense, Tan, but that’s the problem. No emotion. Screw Dr. Keyes, man. Who wants a robot up there speaking at a funeral?”
34
I left the living room
without saying anything to anyone. Harry called after me, but I just kept walking—yes,
robotically
—down the hallway to my room.
I entered the space that had been my safe place ever since I could remember and closed the door before someone saw me do something I would never live down.
I sat cross-legged on my bed and looked through the window at my grand view of Central Park. The fluffy treetops were like a green reflection of the clouds above, and there was a wide band of blue between the canopy and the sky.
I hardly understood what was going on as my throat tightened up and my gut began to heave. I started to breakdown. Before I knew it, I was shaking and croaking and gasping for air. And that quickly turned into sobbing, which wracked my body with convulsions that threw me facedown on the bed in a big wet mess.
I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t turn off the cascade of feelings that I didn’t fully understand.
I am not a robot.
When I was finally able to take a few breaths without shuddering, I wiped my face with my sleeves and sat very still. I had no previous experience with all-out grief, but I had to admit the obvious:
I missed my parents, and I was scared. About what this would do to each of my siblings, and about what my siblings would do to one another. And about what would happen if one of them really was guilty. Would I protect him as fiercely, and without conscience, as my parents had protected me?
But there was more. I realized I’d lost something that until that moment I hadn’t appreciated. My parents were supposed to live until they were so old that they
wanted
to die. I was supposed to learn from them, and fight them to the wall every time we disagreed, and eventually go into the world on my own.
Now I understood that an unspoken promise had been broken. As unreasonable as it may seem to you, friend, Iwas furious at them for abandoning me and Harry and Hugo and even Matthew, who hated them. I felt betrayed.
For one thing, I had never forgiven them for Katherine’s death.
It was a hard kernel of anger that I could barely stand to examine.
And there was another thing I’d never forgiven them for.
CONFESSION
The kiss.
Destroyed. Forever. Malcolm and Maud ruined it.
It was my first kiss. It was once the
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