most precious moment in my life, an experience I could relive and savor and examine from new angles, like a piece of fine art. Now it was like a worthless forgery. I couldn’t see it in my mind’s eye, couldn’t feel it, couldn’t even truly remember it.
I only believe it actually happened—almost as if in another life—because I wrote it down. And honestly, friend? I wonder sometimes if I just
made it up
, like a silly little fairy tale hastily scrawled by a pathetic, caged child.
When I stopped sobbing, I pulled my diary from its hiding place under my bed and found the page where it is written. Thebook fell open to the page immediately, since I’ve reread the words so many times:
What I remember most is that the laws of physics no longer seemed to apply. Gravity was backward and the world was, I’m quite certain, moving in slow motion. His pull wasn’t a pull; I was just falling upward, and he caught me. There really was no beginning or end to the kiss; it wasn’t even really there—and because of that, it was tremendous. Our lips were just four sweet, shy people meeting, saying, “Hello, it’s nice to meet you.” But what passed between them was massive. Nuclear. And in an instant, every cobweb inside me was obliterated. My inner struggles, my uncertainty, my fear of tiger attack… gone. Just the feeling of being a newborn, a pure soul just waiting to be imprinted upon.
I slammed the book shut. Even after all this time, it reads as nonsense.
35
A knock at my door
interrupted my thoughts.
I called out to whoever it was, “I’m not here. Go away, please.”
But there was another, more insistent knock. “Tandy, may I come in?” Samantha asked.
I didn’t want to see Samantha, or anyone else, but the knob turned and she came in anyway. She sat next to me on my bed.
“I miss them, too, Tandy. I’m sure your mother always wanted the best for you. But you know, she was complicated. A woman of many secrets.”
“What do you mean?” I searched Samantha’s face.
She seemed more shocked by what she’d said than I was. Whatever she had meant, she now choked it back.
“What secrets?” I asked.
“Oh, you know,” Samantha said. “Her past. Her mother and father… weren’t good to her. She never told you kids much about all that.”
“You can tell me now, Samantha,” I said. “She’s dead.” I gulped. It was harder to say that than I’d expected.
Samantha just shook her head. It was as if she still didn’t believe it yet, still felt she couldn’t ever tell Maud’s business to anyone. “We have to accept them as they were, with all their faults.” And then she was sniffling, too.
Samantha was the last person to see my parents alive, but I hadn’t thought for a moment that she could have killed them. She had no motive to kill Malcolm and Maud, because she had absolutely nothing to gain. She no longer had a
job
. And soon, she wouldn’t have a place to live, either.
I looked into her pink-rimmed eyes.
“Do you know who killed them?”
She shook her head.
I said, “I
do
accept them, Samantha, whoever they really were. I’m going to give the eulogy at their funeral. I wonder what I’m going to say.”
36
My mother had secrets;
Samantha obviously had secrets; and so did I. Now I think I’m ready to tell you a really big one.
Uncle Peter must have come back on the scene, because he and Matty were shouting at each other just outside my room. So I turned on some music and took out my pillbox.
The pillbox, which once belonged to Gram Hilda, is made of ebony and inlaid with mother-of-pearl. I opened the box and saw that I’d forgotten to take my pills the night before.
It was the first time I’d
ever
forgotten my medication.
Ever.
I was horrified—probably because my parents would’ve been so angry with me. I could’ve even gotten a Big Chop for this. The same was true for my brothers, and for Katherine, when she was alive.
You never miss your meds.
I shook out the
I only believe it actually happened—almost as if in another life—because I wrote it down. And honestly, friend? I wonder sometimes if I just
made it up
, like a silly little fairy tale hastily scrawled by a pathetic, caged child.
When I stopped sobbing, I pulled my diary from its hiding place under my bed and found the page where it is written. Thebook fell open to the page immediately, since I’ve reread the words so many times:
What I remember most is that the laws of physics no longer seemed to apply. Gravity was backward and the world was, I’m quite certain, moving in slow motion. His pull wasn’t a pull; I was just falling upward, and he caught me. There really was no beginning or end to the kiss; it wasn’t even really there—and because of that, it was tremendous. Our lips were just four sweet, shy people meeting, saying, “Hello, it’s nice to meet you.” But what passed between them was massive. Nuclear. And in an instant, every cobweb inside me was obliterated. My inner struggles, my uncertainty, my fear of tiger attack… gone. Just the feeling of being a newborn, a pure soul just waiting to be imprinted upon.
I slammed the book shut. Even after all this time, it reads as nonsense.
35
A knock at my door
interrupted my thoughts.
I called out to whoever it was, “I’m not here. Go away, please.”
But there was another, more insistent knock. “Tandy, may I come in?” Samantha asked.
I didn’t want to see Samantha, or anyone else, but the knob turned and she came in anyway. She sat next to me on my bed.
“I miss them, too, Tandy. I’m sure your mother always wanted the best for you. But you know, she was complicated. A woman of many secrets.”
“What do you mean?” I searched Samantha’s face.
She seemed more shocked by what she’d said than I was. Whatever she had meant, she now choked it back.
“What secrets?” I asked.
“Oh, you know,” Samantha said. “Her past. Her mother and father… weren’t good to her. She never told you kids much about all that.”
“You can tell me now, Samantha,” I said. “She’s dead.” I gulped. It was harder to say that than I’d expected.
Samantha just shook her head. It was as if she still didn’t believe it yet, still felt she couldn’t ever tell Maud’s business to anyone. “We have to accept them as they were, with all their faults.” And then she was sniffling, too.
Samantha was the last person to see my parents alive, but I hadn’t thought for a moment that she could have killed them. She had no motive to kill Malcolm and Maud, because she had absolutely nothing to gain. She no longer had a
job
. And soon, she wouldn’t have a place to live, either.
I looked into her pink-rimmed eyes.
“Do you know who killed them?”
She shook her head.
I said, “I
do
accept them, Samantha, whoever they really were. I’m going to give the eulogy at their funeral. I wonder what I’m going to say.”
36
My mother had secrets;
Samantha obviously had secrets; and so did I. Now I think I’m ready to tell you a really big one.
Uncle Peter must have come back on the scene, because he and Matty were shouting at each other just outside my room. So I turned on some music and took out my pillbox.
The pillbox, which once belonged to Gram Hilda, is made of ebony and inlaid with mother-of-pearl. I opened the box and saw that I’d forgotten to take my pills the night before.
It was the first time I’d
ever
forgotten my medication.
Ever.
I was horrified—probably because my parents would’ve been so angry with me. I could’ve even gotten a Big Chop for this. The same was true for my brothers, and for Katherine, when she was alive.
You never miss your meds.
I shook out the
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