it’s all good now. You’re back home with us now.”
“I am. And it feels good.”
I was trying to keep a straight face, but the pain inside was tearing me up. My boys were welcoming me back. Buckeye pretended like nothing ever happened. He had moved on from the incident, but the Navy wasn’t ready yet. I wasn’t going to bring it up. One because it was a happy moment. Two because I didn’t want to get any scuttlebutt started. If I started talking about getting discharged it’s only going to be bad for morale and get people talking. I didn’t need any of that.
Buckeye and I pulled over for a beer just outside the base. When we arrived he took me to the Officer of the Day and I reported in. They issued me a temporary room and the linens I’d need. I was to report to my Commanding Officer tomorrow morning at 08:00.
I laid down in my room. I tried to sleep, but it was no use. At one point I even heard a few SEALs run by chanting some old cadences I had remembered. It felt comforting yet uncomfortable at the same time.
I didn’t have any books with me. I always travel light. I didn’t feel like walking around base either. I just resigned myself to staring at the ceiling and taking in the sounds, smells, and memories of this place where my SEAL career began.
Chapter 16
The alarm on my Timex rocked me from a deep sleep. I jumped from the rack and got on the ground in the prone position. I popped my head up to get a look. To locate the direction of the enemy fire, but this time there was none. Just a room with a bunk bed, a chair, and a small table. It had happened again. Unfamiliar surroundings heighten my PTSD. I flipped on the light, remembered where I was and why, and headed to the shower.
Maybe it was true. Maybe I wasn’t fit for duty. In a couple hours I was going to find out. At least what their opinion of my mental fitness was.
Three hard knocks on the Commanding Officer’s door. “Permission to come aboard, Sir.”
“Permission granted.”
I opened the door and there sat Captain Culver. He was a tough old son-of-a-gun. A chest full of ribbons. He was fit as a fiddle. I remember seeing him at the track one morning. He still ran 5k each morning. Monday through Friday. And he didn’t just run it. He owned it. Under 20 minutes every time. Pretty incredible for a man approaching 50.
“Sit down, Petty Officer Cole.”
I took a seat and Captain Culver opened a dossier sitting in the middle of his desk. It was the only thing on his desk.
“Young man. I’ve been a SEAL for a long time. Longer than most. I’ve seen a lot of good young men and women pass through here. A lot. Sometimes we have a really exceptional SEAL. Exceptional even beyond the already amazing men and women we have. It’s hard to stand out when everyone is already a stand out performer. It doesn’t happen very often, but sometimes it does. You are that SEAL. The best we have. That’s what makes today even more difficult.”
I could feel the knot in my stomach tighten. My throat went dry.
“Petty Officer Cole. I have your results here in front of me. If this was 20 years ago I would have torn this paper in half, threw it in the rubbish bin, and we’d all be back on our way. Back to doing what we do. Unfortunately this isn’t 20 years ago. This is today. There’s a lot more eyes now. A lot more PR to deal with. A lot more power in the hands of doctors. And the Navy doesn’t want to take any risks anymore.”
Captain Culver paused.
“And right now I’m a risk,” I said it for him.
“That’s what these papers say. I know it’s not true. You know it’s not true. But they don’t know it’s not true. And their opinion, regardless if it’s correct or not, is the only one that matters.”
The Captain looked
“I am. And it feels good.”
I was trying to keep a straight face, but the pain inside was tearing me up. My boys were welcoming me back. Buckeye pretended like nothing ever happened. He had moved on from the incident, but the Navy wasn’t ready yet. I wasn’t going to bring it up. One because it was a happy moment. Two because I didn’t want to get any scuttlebutt started. If I started talking about getting discharged it’s only going to be bad for morale and get people talking. I didn’t need any of that.
Buckeye and I pulled over for a beer just outside the base. When we arrived he took me to the Officer of the Day and I reported in. They issued me a temporary room and the linens I’d need. I was to report to my Commanding Officer tomorrow morning at 08:00.
I laid down in my room. I tried to sleep, but it was no use. At one point I even heard a few SEALs run by chanting some old cadences I had remembered. It felt comforting yet uncomfortable at the same time.
I didn’t have any books with me. I always travel light. I didn’t feel like walking around base either. I just resigned myself to staring at the ceiling and taking in the sounds, smells, and memories of this place where my SEAL career began.
Chapter 16
The alarm on my Timex rocked me from a deep sleep. I jumped from the rack and got on the ground in the prone position. I popped my head up to get a look. To locate the direction of the enemy fire, but this time there was none. Just a room with a bunk bed, a chair, and a small table. It had happened again. Unfamiliar surroundings heighten my PTSD. I flipped on the light, remembered where I was and why, and headed to the shower.
Maybe it was true. Maybe I wasn’t fit for duty. In a couple hours I was going to find out. At least what their opinion of my mental fitness was.
Three hard knocks on the Commanding Officer’s door. “Permission to come aboard, Sir.”
“Permission granted.”
I opened the door and there sat Captain Culver. He was a tough old son-of-a-gun. A chest full of ribbons. He was fit as a fiddle. I remember seeing him at the track one morning. He still ran 5k each morning. Monday through Friday. And he didn’t just run it. He owned it. Under 20 minutes every time. Pretty incredible for a man approaching 50.
“Sit down, Petty Officer Cole.”
I took a seat and Captain Culver opened a dossier sitting in the middle of his desk. It was the only thing on his desk.
“Young man. I’ve been a SEAL for a long time. Longer than most. I’ve seen a lot of good young men and women pass through here. A lot. Sometimes we have a really exceptional SEAL. Exceptional even beyond the already amazing men and women we have. It’s hard to stand out when everyone is already a stand out performer. It doesn’t happen very often, but sometimes it does. You are that SEAL. The best we have. That’s what makes today even more difficult.”
I could feel the knot in my stomach tighten. My throat went dry.
“Petty Officer Cole. I have your results here in front of me. If this was 20 years ago I would have torn this paper in half, threw it in the rubbish bin, and we’d all be back on our way. Back to doing what we do. Unfortunately this isn’t 20 years ago. This is today. There’s a lot more eyes now. A lot more PR to deal with. A lot more power in the hands of doctors. And the Navy doesn’t want to take any risks anymore.”
Captain Culver paused.
“And right now I’m a risk,” I said it for him.
“That’s what these papers say. I know it’s not true. You know it’s not true. But they don’t know it’s not true. And their opinion, regardless if it’s correct or not, is the only one that matters.”
The Captain looked
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