mother’s quietly furious. My father glared at me as if he’d caught me doing something unspeakable.
“How could you do this?”
I hunched my shoulders and backed against the window, fixing my gaze to the floor as my mother waited for an answer. I had none. I didn’t want to talk. I wanted out. If they hadn’t blocked the front door, I’d have run out of it.
Marietta took a step closer, and out of fear, I glanced up. Her blank expression gentled. “Jeremey, you don’t need to be afraid. We only want to understand what happened.” She became guarded again as she went on. “Did Emmet…take advantage of you?”
I blinked, not understanding at first. When I realized what she meant, I hunched further into myself and shut my eyes.
Take advantage. She meant did Emmet force himself on me. I didn’t have another panic attack, but shame deeper than anything I’ve ever known filled me up, making me feel ugly and wrong to my core.
Take advantage. Marietta asked me that.
One kiss. One kiss and a hug. The only time anyone had touched me in years outside of stiff hugs from visiting relatives or strangers bumping into me in public. Even Emmet’s mom acted like it was the most shameful thing she’d ever seen.
“Answer her,” my father demanded.
I started to cry.
I thought things couldn’t get worse, but they did. Marietta started apologizing, to me, to my parents. “I’m so sorry. I should have seen this coming, I suppose. He’s strong-willed, and I knew he had a crush on Jeremey, but I thought it was harmless. I never dreamed he’d act on it.”
My mother twitched. “Why did you let him do that to you? What’s wrong with you?”
Marietta straightened, stiffening. “I think that’s a little harsh—”
“He’s not gay,” my mom snapped. “I didn’t realize your son was or that he was so poorly controlled—”
“Stop.”
They turned to me all at once, and the looks on their faces—rage, surprise, wariness, disgust—made me want to run and hide, but I couldn’t let them talk that way about Emmet, couldn’t let them believe that about him.
Drawing a ragged breath, I forced the words out. “I am gay. I never told anyone because I thought I’d never find a boyfriend. Except—”
I stopped. I wanted to say then I met Emmet , but shame cut off the words.
My mother filled them in for me, her disgust dripping from each syllable. “Except then there was the poor retarded boy who wasn’t smart enough to say no to you?”
“Emmet is not retarded,” Marietta snapped, all her gentleness gone. “Nor is he stupid.”
My mom waved this away. “Yes, he’s an idiot savant or whatever. He’s certainly not normal . I should never have let him associate with Jeremey in the first place. Certainly he won’t any longer.”
I recoiled, her casual remarks harsher than a slap across my face or a punch to my gut. They weren’t going to let me see Emmet? Marietta began to argue more pointedly, but I saw the expression on my parents’ faces, and nothing Emmet’s mother could say would change their minds. As far as my mom and dad were concerned, Emmet and I were through.
I pushed off the wall and stumbled out of the room, ignoring them as they shouted after me. I took the stairs two at a time, slammed the door shut and dragged the edge of my bed over to block the door from opening. Climbing into bed, I pulled the covers over my head and stared into the darkness.
Emmet was gone. From my house and from my life. No more walks to the store or around the block. No more meeting him at the train tracks. No more texts, no more Google hangouts. No more kisses. No more touches.
No more Emmet.
I played the argument from downstairs over in my head. I should have fought for him. I should have shouted back. But I was weak and worthless. I couldn’t fight. I could barely get out of bed on a good day.
Emmet deserved so much better than me. And I didn’t deserve anyone or anything at all.
I sobbed quietly under
“How could you do this?”
I hunched my shoulders and backed against the window, fixing my gaze to the floor as my mother waited for an answer. I had none. I didn’t want to talk. I wanted out. If they hadn’t blocked the front door, I’d have run out of it.
Marietta took a step closer, and out of fear, I glanced up. Her blank expression gentled. “Jeremey, you don’t need to be afraid. We only want to understand what happened.” She became guarded again as she went on. “Did Emmet…take advantage of you?”
I blinked, not understanding at first. When I realized what she meant, I hunched further into myself and shut my eyes.
Take advantage. She meant did Emmet force himself on me. I didn’t have another panic attack, but shame deeper than anything I’ve ever known filled me up, making me feel ugly and wrong to my core.
Take advantage. Marietta asked me that.
One kiss. One kiss and a hug. The only time anyone had touched me in years outside of stiff hugs from visiting relatives or strangers bumping into me in public. Even Emmet’s mom acted like it was the most shameful thing she’d ever seen.
“Answer her,” my father demanded.
I started to cry.
I thought things couldn’t get worse, but they did. Marietta started apologizing, to me, to my parents. “I’m so sorry. I should have seen this coming, I suppose. He’s strong-willed, and I knew he had a crush on Jeremey, but I thought it was harmless. I never dreamed he’d act on it.”
My mother twitched. “Why did you let him do that to you? What’s wrong with you?”
Marietta straightened, stiffening. “I think that’s a little harsh—”
“He’s not gay,” my mom snapped. “I didn’t realize your son was or that he was so poorly controlled—”
“Stop.”
They turned to me all at once, and the looks on their faces—rage, surprise, wariness, disgust—made me want to run and hide, but I couldn’t let them talk that way about Emmet, couldn’t let them believe that about him.
Drawing a ragged breath, I forced the words out. “I am gay. I never told anyone because I thought I’d never find a boyfriend. Except—”
I stopped. I wanted to say then I met Emmet , but shame cut off the words.
My mother filled them in for me, her disgust dripping from each syllable. “Except then there was the poor retarded boy who wasn’t smart enough to say no to you?”
“Emmet is not retarded,” Marietta snapped, all her gentleness gone. “Nor is he stupid.”
My mom waved this away. “Yes, he’s an idiot savant or whatever. He’s certainly not normal . I should never have let him associate with Jeremey in the first place. Certainly he won’t any longer.”
I recoiled, her casual remarks harsher than a slap across my face or a punch to my gut. They weren’t going to let me see Emmet? Marietta began to argue more pointedly, but I saw the expression on my parents’ faces, and nothing Emmet’s mother could say would change their minds. As far as my mom and dad were concerned, Emmet and I were through.
I pushed off the wall and stumbled out of the room, ignoring them as they shouted after me. I took the stairs two at a time, slammed the door shut and dragged the edge of my bed over to block the door from opening. Climbing into bed, I pulled the covers over my head and stared into the darkness.
Emmet was gone. From my house and from my life. No more walks to the store or around the block. No more meeting him at the train tracks. No more texts, no more Google hangouts. No more kisses. No more touches.
No more Emmet.
I played the argument from downstairs over in my head. I should have fought for him. I should have shouted back. But I was weak and worthless. I couldn’t fight. I could barely get out of bed on a good day.
Emmet deserved so much better than me. And I didn’t deserve anyone or anything at all.
I sobbed quietly under
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