Burned by Ellen Hopkins

hear the churn of words inside his head.
    My heart lifted into my throat.
    Everything felt so right.
    Would he tell me instead it was wrong?
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    As If Reading My Mind
    Ethan stopped, took my hand.
    Pattyn, hold on a second.
    I'm not really sure what came over me . . .
    No! Please no? Oh God, not
    "had to happen sometime."
    My face must have crumbled.
    No, no. I'm not saying I made a mistake. Itjust happened so fast.
    Fallingfor you, I mean.
    Falling? In love? In lust? Where
    eise could you fall? Without answers,
    I didn't know what to say.
    The first time I saw you--at the grocery
    störe that day-^-there was something about you. Something sad, deep down sad. . .
    How could I forget that day?
    The day my father abandoned me.
    The day I would forever thank him for.
    But there was also a touch of redemption.
    I wondered how the two could coexist in the same soul. I was so sad myself. . . .
    How could he have seen all that in just one passing glance? On that
    day I didn't feel very redeemed.
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    I wanted to know you. When I saw you with your Aunt Jeanette, I knew
    I'd get my chance.
    Ethan pulled me into his arms, kissed
    my forehead. I looked up into his eyes and found my answers.
    Ijust want you tofeel the same
    way. If you want me to hack off, slow things down, I will. .
    I shook my head. "Don't back
    off, Ethan." I reached up, put
    my arms around his neck, and this time I kissed him.
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    J ournal Entry, June 19
    I can't sleep. Maybe I'll
    never sleep again. Does your
    brain ever shut down, once
    you fall in love?
    Am I in love?
    It surefeels like love.
    Ethan is everything any girl
    could ask for. And he promises he wants me. Why nie?
    Shut up, Pattyn. Quit asking
    that question. Why even
    care why he wants you?
    Isn't it enough that he does?
    I know guys lie.
    Enjoy the game.
    But I have to believe
    Ethan is different.
    Do his eyes lie?
    His kisses?
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    When he kisses me, it's like heing hörn again.
    Born where love isn't
    just a word, but something
    alive, throbbing with life.
    That's how Ifeel tonight.
    Throbbing with life.
    Did Mom and Dad ever
    feel like this?
    For each other?
    I want to believe it.
    But I can't.
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    Ethan Started Stopping By
    Every evening on his way home.
    June was a hazy blur of days with Aunt J, mostly spent in nervous anticipation of evenings with Ethan.
    Aunt J never said a disapproving
    word, but after a week or so, she did offer an obligatory warning.
    You two seem to be getting
    serious. I can't expect you to keep saying no. But I hope
    you know how to be careful.
    Up till then, I hadn't had to say no.
    Ethan treated me with nothing but respect. But things had definitely heated up.
    A time or two, cradled in his lap, kissing until his desire became
    obvious, I had almost wanted to.
    But even though most of me
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    was a new, liberated Pattyn, traces of the old, conservative Pattyn
    lingered, hard to shake off.
    The next-to-the-last diing I wanted was a baby. The very last thing
    I wanted was ever having to tell
    my dad I was pregnant.
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    Thursday, June 29
    Kicked off the extra-long
    Fourth of July weekend.
    It also happened to be
    my seventeenth birthday.
    I truly expected a card from Mom and Dad.
    Never arrived.
    Never even got a call.
    To be fair, Jackie sent a card a few days late.
    Said girls' camp was entertaining, especially
    when they tried to freak
    everyone out with scary
    stories about Satan
    dropping in overnight.
    She said Mom was about as big as a dairy cow,
    'Lyssa had her first period,
    Teddie had her first crush,
    Davie got straight A's,
    Roberta lost her two front teeth,
    Georgia still sucked her thumb, and Dad was meaner than ever.
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    Everything pissed him off.
    The window he had to pay
    for, the ER bill he had to pay for, tithing 10 percent
    when everything was up
    10 percent and he had a new baby
    Coming. Diapers were up 10 percent.
    And Johnnie was up 20 percent.
    I wanted to write her back, tell her none of that mattered, that out here in the real world