physician’s safety.
I am as bad as Kaede
, she thought.
Truly you never reach the age when you
escape being scorched by love
.
They passed through Yamagata and traveled another twenty miles to
a village where they stayed the night. Kondo knew the innkeeper; they might
even have been related, though Shizuka did not care enough to find out. As she
feared, he made it clear that he wanted to sleep with her, and she saw the
disappointment in his eyes when she pleaded exhaustion, but he did not press
her or force her as he might have done. She felt grateful and then annoyed with
herself for so feeling.
However, the next morning, after they had left the horses at the
inn and begun the steep climb on foot into the mountains, Kondo said, “Why
don’t we get married? We’d make a good team. You’ve got two boys, haven’t you?
I could adopt them. We’re not too old to have more children together. Your
family would approve.”
Her heart sank at the thought, especially as she knew her family
probably would approve.
“You’re not married?” It seemed surprising, given his age. “I was
married when I was seventeen, to a Kuroda woman. She died several years ago. We
had no children.”
Shizuka glanced at him, wondering if he grieved for her. He said,
“She was a very unhappy woman. She was not completely sane. She had long
periods when she was tormented by horrible imaginings and fears. She saw ghosts
and demons. She was not so bad when I was with her, but I was frequently
ordered to travel. I worked as a spy for my mother’s family, the Kondo, who had
adopted me. On one long trip away I was delayed by bad weather. When I did not
return at the expected time, she hanged herself.”
For the first time his voice lost its irony. She perceived his
real grief and found herself suddenly, unexpectedly moved by him.
“Maybe she was taught too harshly,” he said. “I’ve often wondered
what we do to our children. In many ways it was a relief to have none.”
“When you’re a child, it’s like a game,” Shizuka said. “I
remember being proud of the skills I had, and despising other people for not having
them. You don’t question the way you’re brought up; that’s just how it is.“
“You are talented; you are the Muto masters’ niece and
grandchild. Being Kuroda, in the middle, is not so easy. And if you don’t have
natural talents, the training is very difficult.” He paused and went on
quietly: “Possibly she was too sensitive. No upbringing can completely
eradicate a person’s essential character.”
“I wonder. I’m
sorry for your loss.”
“Well, it was a long time ago. But it certainly made me question
a lot of things I’d been taught. Not that I tell most people. When you’re part
of the Tribe, you’re obedient, that’s all there is to it.”
“Maybe if Takeo had been brought up in the Tribe, he would have
learned obedience as we all do,” Shizuka said, as if thinking aloud. “He hated
being told what to do and he hated being confined. So, what do the Kikuta do?
Give him to Akio for training as if he were a two-year-old. They’ve only
themselves to blame for his defection. Shigeru knew how to handle him from the
start. He won his loyalty. Takeo would have done anything for him.”
As we all
would have done
, she found herself thinking, and tried
to suppress it. She had many secrets concerning Lord Shigeru that only the dead
knew, and she was afraid Kondo might discern them.
“What Takeo did was quite considerable,” Kondo said, “if you
believe all the stories.”
“Are you impressed, Kondo? I thought nothing impressed you!”
“Everyone admires courage,” he replied. “And, like Takeo, I am
also of mixed blood, from both the Tribe and the clans. I was raised by the
Tribe until I was twelve and then I became a warrior on the surface, a spy
beneath. Maybe I understand something of the conflict he must have gone
through.”
They walked in silence for a while, then he said,
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