Bream Gives Me Hiccups by Jesse Eisenberg

we’re not done!
    March 21, 1876
    ALEXANDER GRAHAM BELL: Hey, Watson, it’s Aleck. How’s it going? I’m okay. So . . . Yeah, I guess I just wanted to say sorry for my phone call last week. I should never havecalled you drunk. That was stupid. And I guess I wasn’t really mad at you. I guess I was just . . . mad at the situation , you know? And I took it out on you, which was totally juvenile. Yeah, so anyway . . . How are you? That’s good, that’s good. Yeah, no otherwise, I’m pretty good too. I thought I had an idea for a new invention but I think someone already did it. It was like a spoon with ridges. Whatever. It’s kind of stupid anyway. No, I haven’t heard from Mabel. I don’t even really like her that much. She’s kind of self-involved, you know? Like she turns every conversation into something about herself. I think I was just in love with the idea of her, you know? Anyway, I am actually a little lonely. I do sound depressed, don’t I? Watson, do you think you could come over here? I want to see you.

MARXIST-SOCIALIST JOKES
    Why did the Marxist-Socialist cross the road?
    To get to the Marxist-Socialist sit-in on the other side of the road.
    How many Marxist-Socialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    Two. One to screw in the lightbulb, one to lament Milton Friedman’s laissez-faire economic policies.
    A Marxist-Socialist walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he’s unionized.
    Knock knock.
    Who’s there?
    A Marxist-Socialist.
    A Marxist-Socialist who?
    A Marxist-Socialist who wants to give you a pamphlet about class struggle.
    What did one Marxist-Socialist say to another?
    Like you, I also advocate a proletarian revolution culminating in collective ownership.
    What do you get when you cross a Marxist with a Socialist?
    Two people who generally feel that the value of a commodity is equal to its socially necessary labor time.
    What’s the difference between a Marxist-Socialist and a Keynesian economist?
    Several things, including but not limited to the following: The Marxist-Socialist believes that workers should own the means of production, whereas a Keynesian supports the private ownership of the means of production. The Marxist-Socialist believes that centralized government would ultimately wither away after a revolution, whereas the Keynesian advocates greater government action to ensure full societal employment. Finally, a Marxist-Socialist would not be invited to a party that a Keynesian was giving at work because the Keynesian knows that the Marxist-Socialist would throw a stink about the way the cubicles in the Keynesian’s office were arranged.
    How do you get a one-armed Marxist-Socialist out of a tree?
    Ask two teamsters to drive three AFL-CIO riggers each carrying an IAFF-approved ladder to the tree and help the one-armed Marxist-Socialist down.
    The Marxist-Socialist’s mother is so fat that when the Marxist-Socialist’s mother laments stagflation, she actually stagflates.
    A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Marxist-Socialist are in an airplane that is going to crash and there are only two parachutes. The Priest says, “I have always followed the word of Jesus, so I should have one of the parachutes.” The Rabbi says, “I paid for the plane rental, so I should also have one of the parachutes.” The Marxist-Socialist says, “I would normally advocate allocating these out according to one’s means, but I’m afraid of dying and would like one of the chutes, please.”

IV.
    MY ROOMMATE STOLE MY RAMEN
    LETTERS FROM A FRUSTRATED FRESHMAN
    Â 

V.
    DATING

A POST-GENDER-NORMATIVE MAN TRIES TO PICK UP A WOMAN AT A BAR
    Hey, how’s it going? Mind if I sidle up? I saw you over here sitting alone and I thought, “That’s fine.” A woman should be able to self-sustain. In fact a lot of women are choosing to stay alone, what with advances in salary equitability and