by Simply Washing Up
X Lightweight Summer Ensembles to Wear on the Toilet
X Why No One Should Be Allowed Out Anymore
X A Complete List of People Who Are Not Making Progress
X Where to Throw Up Secretly
X Ten Things No One Can Handle at All
X Why You Should Not Sit for More Than Six Weeks in Your Own Filth
THEIIEWZODIAC
We need new zodiac signs. The old ones depict an obsolete world: the archer, the water bearer, and—talk about obsolete—the virgin. What we need are modern zodiac signs that represent today’s reality:
The Serial Rapist, the Lone Gunman, the Suicide Bomber, the
106
GEORGE CARL
Paranoid Schizophrenic, the Transsexual Crackhead, the Money Launderer, the Disgruntled Postal Worker, the Diseased Homeless Veteran the South American Drug Lord, the Third-Generation Welfare Recipient the Human Immunodeficiency Virus, and … the Personal Trainer!
In case you’re one of those people who doesn’t relate well to the real world, here’s a nice, safe zodiac for you: the Soccer Mom, the Sensitive Male, the Special Needs Child, the Role Model, the Overachiever, the Jogger, the Little Leaguer, the Recycler, the Anchorperson, the Codependent, the Domino’s Delivery Boy, and … the Recovering Shopaholic.
brain droppings
ver in too big a hurry that I can’t stop and watch someone else’s suf-f ring. The bigger the accident the better, as far as I’m concerned. I
anna see some guy whose neck is part of his gas tank. And if I can’t see enough from my particular vantage point? I’ll ask the policeman to bring the bodies over a little closer to my car. “Say, officer! Could you bring that twisted chap over here a little closer? I’ve never seen a man shaped quite like that.” That’s why the police are here: to protect, to serve, and to bring the bodies over a little closer to your car.
[MS IV
6IVE A HOOT
I don’t give a hoot. Not since 1959. That was the last one I gave. Wait! I think I gave a hoot in 1967. Just one. As a favor to a friend. But that was it. I’m not even sure I have any left. Frankly, I’d be afraid to look. I think I’m all out of hoots. If you want one, you’re gonna have to find it on your own. Maybe you could rent a hoot. Or steal one. I’ll bet by now there’s a black market in hoots. Hot hoots. By the way, in addition to those who don’t give a hoot, there are many others who will not take a hoot. Too proud. These are the same people who will not take any guff. But they might give you some lip.
BRinO THE BODY CLOSER
I often hear otherwise intelligent people complaining about drivers who slow down when driving past a traffic accident. They curse them and call them “rubberneckers.” I don’t understand this at all. I a111
I have a cable channel that shows old TV shows, but it shows them in different tenses from the originals. I don’t know how they do it. Here’s a sample:
Got Smart
Father Knew Best
It Was Left to Beaver
Daddy Had Had Room Made for Him
I Shall Have Been Loving Lucy
Car 54, Where Were You?
Had Gun, Would Have Traveled
What Had My Line Been?
I Have Had a Secret
That Had Been the Week That Had Been
GEORGE CARLIN
America has no now. We’re reluctant to acknowledge the % present. It’s too embarrassing.
Instead, we reach into the past. Our culture is composed of sequels, reruns, remakes, revivals, reissues, re-releases, recreations, re-enactments, adaptations, anniversaries, memoes rabilia, oldies radio, and nostalgia record collections. World War II has been refought on television so many times, the ^k Germans and Japanese are now drawing residuals.
Of course, being essentially full of shit, we sometimes feel the need to dress up this past-preoccupation, as with pathetic references to reruns as “encore presentations.”
Even instant replay is a form of token nostalgia: a brief visit to the immediate past for reexaminination, before slap-“; ping it onto a highlight video for further review and re-review on into the indefinite future.
Our
X Lightweight Summer Ensembles to Wear on the Toilet
X Why No One Should Be Allowed Out Anymore
X A Complete List of People Who Are Not Making Progress
X Where to Throw Up Secretly
X Ten Things No One Can Handle at All
X Why You Should Not Sit for More Than Six Weeks in Your Own Filth
THEIIEWZODIAC
We need new zodiac signs. The old ones depict an obsolete world: the archer, the water bearer, and—talk about obsolete—the virgin. What we need are modern zodiac signs that represent today’s reality:
The Serial Rapist, the Lone Gunman, the Suicide Bomber, the
106
GEORGE CARL
Paranoid Schizophrenic, the Transsexual Crackhead, the Money Launderer, the Disgruntled Postal Worker, the Diseased Homeless Veteran the South American Drug Lord, the Third-Generation Welfare Recipient the Human Immunodeficiency Virus, and … the Personal Trainer!
In case you’re one of those people who doesn’t relate well to the real world, here’s a nice, safe zodiac for you: the Soccer Mom, the Sensitive Male, the Special Needs Child, the Role Model, the Overachiever, the Jogger, the Little Leaguer, the Recycler, the Anchorperson, the Codependent, the Domino’s Delivery Boy, and … the Recovering Shopaholic.
brain droppings
ver in too big a hurry that I can’t stop and watch someone else’s suf-f ring. The bigger the accident the better, as far as I’m concerned. I
anna see some guy whose neck is part of his gas tank. And if I can’t see enough from my particular vantage point? I’ll ask the policeman to bring the bodies over a little closer to my car. “Say, officer! Could you bring that twisted chap over here a little closer? I’ve never seen a man shaped quite like that.” That’s why the police are here: to protect, to serve, and to bring the bodies over a little closer to your car.
[MS IV
6IVE A HOOT
I don’t give a hoot. Not since 1959. That was the last one I gave. Wait! I think I gave a hoot in 1967. Just one. As a favor to a friend. But that was it. I’m not even sure I have any left. Frankly, I’d be afraid to look. I think I’m all out of hoots. If you want one, you’re gonna have to find it on your own. Maybe you could rent a hoot. Or steal one. I’ll bet by now there’s a black market in hoots. Hot hoots. By the way, in addition to those who don’t give a hoot, there are many others who will not take a hoot. Too proud. These are the same people who will not take any guff. But they might give you some lip.
BRinO THE BODY CLOSER
I often hear otherwise intelligent people complaining about drivers who slow down when driving past a traffic accident. They curse them and call them “rubberneckers.” I don’t understand this at all. I a111
I have a cable channel that shows old TV shows, but it shows them in different tenses from the originals. I don’t know how they do it. Here’s a sample:
Got Smart
Father Knew Best
It Was Left to Beaver
Daddy Had Had Room Made for Him
I Shall Have Been Loving Lucy
Car 54, Where Were You?
Had Gun, Would Have Traveled
What Had My Line Been?
I Have Had a Secret
That Had Been the Week That Had Been
GEORGE CARLIN
America has no now. We’re reluctant to acknowledge the % present. It’s too embarrassing.
Instead, we reach into the past. Our culture is composed of sequels, reruns, remakes, revivals, reissues, re-releases, recreations, re-enactments, adaptations, anniversaries, memoes rabilia, oldies radio, and nostalgia record collections. World War II has been refought on television so many times, the ^k Germans and Japanese are now drawing residuals.
Of course, being essentially full of shit, we sometimes feel the need to dress up this past-preoccupation, as with pathetic references to reruns as “encore presentations.”
Even instant replay is a form of token nostalgia: a brief visit to the immediate past for reexaminination, before slap-“; ping it onto a highlight video for further review and re-review on into the indefinite future.
Our
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