Brain Droppings by George Carlin

strenuous lengths to save a raccoon hat’s stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and ki|| several jf them for amusement.
Ihey debated the NAFTA trade bill for a long time; should we sign jt or not? Either way, the people get fucked. Trade always exists for the. traders. Anytime you hear businessmen debating “which policy is better for America,” don’t bend over.
roperty is theft. Nobody owns anything. When you die, it sjtays here. I read about these billionaires: Sam Walton 20 billion, Dan;je| Ludwig 15 billion. They’re both dead. They’re gone, and the moiney is still here. It wasn’t their money to begin with. Property is theftt.
    dog in line, walk him past the fur shop a couple of
litre OK only two places in the uiorld: outr litre and outr there. HUH CHOCOLATE 15 fOR
I hauE a photograph of Judge Bork. but it doesn’t do him justice.
Have you ever wondered why Republ icans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time, [finally accepted )esus. Not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from.
t used to be, cars had cool names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda. Rocket 88! Now we have Elantra, Altima, Acura, Lumina, Sentra, Corolla, Maxima. Tercel! What the fuck kind of lifeless, pussy names are these? Further proof America has lost its edge.
I’m starting a campaign to have Finland removed as a country. We don’t
need it.
hat a spot! You’re in surgery, the anesthetic wears off, and as | you wake up you realize that someone in surgical clothing is carrying one of your legs over to a garbage can. The surgeon, holding a large power saw, says, “We’re all out of anesthetic, but if you’ll hold on real tight to the sides of that gurney, I’ll have that other leg off in a jiffy.”
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    egarding local residents attempting to ban sex shops from their neighborhoods: You show me a parent who says he’s worried about his child’s innocence, and I’ll show you a homeowner trying to maintain equity.
I thought it would be nice to get a job at a duty-free shop, but it doesn’t
sound like there’s a whole lot to do in a place like that.
here’s an odd feeling you get when someone on the sidewalk moves slightly to avoid walking into you. It proves you exist. Your mere existence caused them to alter their path. It’s a nice feeling. After you die, no one has to get out of your way anymore.
Instead of school busing and prayer in schools, which are both controversial, why not a joint solution? Prayer in buses. Just drive these kids around all day and let them pray their fuckin’ empty little heads off. lorena Bobbit only did what men do to each other all the time: She showed an asshole she meant business.
Americans are fucked. They’ve been bought off. And they came real cheap: a few million dirt bikes, camcorders, microwaves, cordless phones, digital watches, answering machines, jet skis, and sneakers with lights in them. You say you want a few