Bitter Is the New Black: Confessions of a Condescending, Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smart-Ass, Or, Why You Should Never Carry a Prada Bag to the Unemployment Office : A Memoir by Jen Lancaster Page A
Authors: Jen Lancaster
Tags: United States, General, Humorous fiction, Personal Memoirs, Biography & Autobiography, Biography, Business & Economics, Women, Careers, Job Hunting, Unemployed women workers, Jeanne
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see all over the streets these days, boo-hooing and carrying a box full of shoes, plants, and kids’ pictures.
Right before I’m escorted out, Courtney returns from her morning appointment. She quickly figures out what’s happening and a single fat tear rolls down her cheek, cutting a path through her foundation. “How am I going to do my job without you?” she asks.
“You’ll have to talk to Kathleen about that,” I say. “Call me later.”
In the cab on the way home I remind myself things aren’t so bad. I’m smart, healthy, and talented, right? I mean, look at all I accomplished in a year with virtually no local management support. I kicked ass! I won the national market leadership award! Any company would be lucky to have someone as driven as me. I should be able to land another job in a minute.
You know what? Maybe I’ll get an even better position, one where I don’t have to work with Retard-y Artys and soulless sales managers and stupid PR hacks. I’ll have a nice salary and my own private office with a door and girls to get my coffee again. Everything is going to be just fine.
As the cab pulls up to my building, it hits me that I won’t be able to buy my couch anytime soon.
And then I start to cry.
Shaken, Not Stirred
----
From the desk of Miss Jennifer A. Lancaster
February 1, 2002
Dear Rush Limbaugh,
Not only have I been a devoted listener for ten years but your program inspired me to major in Political Science. I loved using your arguments against my Marxist professors! (Really, anyone who doesn’t like Capitalism has simply never been shoe shopping at Nordstrom.) The point is I rarely disagree with you. However, I heard you clash with the President’s intention to extend unemployment benefits.
How come? Do you think every unemployed person is a dirty hippie, too busy supporting Chairman Mao to seek gainful employment? Because it’s totally not true.
My company laid me off at the end of September, blaming the attack on America. (Which is BS, by the way. A lot of companies used 9/11 as a convenient excuse to lay off good people without looking like ogres.) Since I’ve been “on the dole,” I’ve applied for hundreds of jobs, hit dozens of networking events, registered on every single job-search portal, and hounded corporate headhunters to the point of criminal harassment. It’s not like I’m sitting around the house smokin’ fatties, waiting for the guv’mint to cut me my check.
I’m concerned my benefits will run out before I find work and I’ll be forced to do something awful like waitressing. It’s difficult for me to rationalize going from advising VPs at Fortune 500 companies to inquiring about their choice of salad dressing, you know? Because of this I believe those extra 13 weeks could really make the difference for my future.
So, please, enlighten me on why you feel this is a bad idea. I’m interested to hear your thoughts.
Many thanks,
Jen Lancaster
P.S. You look fabulous since you lost weight. Hey, why don’t you talk about diet tips more often on the show? I bet it would bring in that crucial 18 to 45 female demographic.
----
I need some time to feel sorry for myself. Flopping down on my four-hundred-thread-count Egyptian cotton, tulip-print bedding, I kick off my Chanel slingbacks and commence moping. While staring at the rough planks of my beamed ceiling, I relive the past year. I try to figure out how I might have prevented this layoff. Could I have worked harder? Did I really give the company my all? My eyes trace the intricate brickwork on the wall while I wonder if I could have been more innovative. My ideas were totally fresh and original, right? I glance down at the gleaming baseboards and continue to brood. Did I take advantage of every opportunity? And didn’t I always put forth my very best efforts? I scrutinize the pristine slats on the blond wood venetian blinds while I ruminate on my interpersonal interaction. Could I have built stronger
Right before I’m escorted out, Courtney returns from her morning appointment. She quickly figures out what’s happening and a single fat tear rolls down her cheek, cutting a path through her foundation. “How am I going to do my job without you?” she asks.
“You’ll have to talk to Kathleen about that,” I say. “Call me later.”
In the cab on the way home I remind myself things aren’t so bad. I’m smart, healthy, and talented, right? I mean, look at all I accomplished in a year with virtually no local management support. I kicked ass! I won the national market leadership award! Any company would be lucky to have someone as driven as me. I should be able to land another job in a minute.
You know what? Maybe I’ll get an even better position, one where I don’t have to work with Retard-y Artys and soulless sales managers and stupid PR hacks. I’ll have a nice salary and my own private office with a door and girls to get my coffee again. Everything is going to be just fine.
As the cab pulls up to my building, it hits me that I won’t be able to buy my couch anytime soon.
And then I start to cry.
Shaken, Not Stirred
----
From the desk of Miss Jennifer A. Lancaster
February 1, 2002
Dear Rush Limbaugh,
Not only have I been a devoted listener for ten years but your program inspired me to major in Political Science. I loved using your arguments against my Marxist professors! (Really, anyone who doesn’t like Capitalism has simply never been shoe shopping at Nordstrom.) The point is I rarely disagree with you. However, I heard you clash with the President’s intention to extend unemployment benefits.
How come? Do you think every unemployed person is a dirty hippie, too busy supporting Chairman Mao to seek gainful employment? Because it’s totally not true.
My company laid me off at the end of September, blaming the attack on America. (Which is BS, by the way. A lot of companies used 9/11 as a convenient excuse to lay off good people without looking like ogres.) Since I’ve been “on the dole,” I’ve applied for hundreds of jobs, hit dozens of networking events, registered on every single job-search portal, and hounded corporate headhunters to the point of criminal harassment. It’s not like I’m sitting around the house smokin’ fatties, waiting for the guv’mint to cut me my check.
I’m concerned my benefits will run out before I find work and I’ll be forced to do something awful like waitressing. It’s difficult for me to rationalize going from advising VPs at Fortune 500 companies to inquiring about their choice of salad dressing, you know? Because of this I believe those extra 13 weeks could really make the difference for my future.
So, please, enlighten me on why you feel this is a bad idea. I’m interested to hear your thoughts.
Many thanks,
Jen Lancaster
P.S. You look fabulous since you lost weight. Hey, why don’t you talk about diet tips more often on the show? I bet it would bring in that crucial 18 to 45 female demographic.
----
I need some time to feel sorry for myself. Flopping down on my four-hundred-thread-count Egyptian cotton, tulip-print bedding, I kick off my Chanel slingbacks and commence moping. While staring at the rough planks of my beamed ceiling, I relive the past year. I try to figure out how I might have prevented this layoff. Could I have worked harder? Did I really give the company my all? My eyes trace the intricate brickwork on the wall while I wonder if I could have been more innovative. My ideas were totally fresh and original, right? I glance down at the gleaming baseboards and continue to brood. Did I take advantage of every opportunity? And didn’t I always put forth my very best efforts? I scrutinize the pristine slats on the blond wood venetian blinds while I ruminate on my interpersonal interaction. Could I have built stronger
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