afraid for him, definitely… but it’s all so hazy, and maybe it isn’t him, maybe I’m the one I can’t capture any more because I wasn’t really there.
What was the time? Do we go around the moon or does the moon go around us? Are there any people in this hotel or did I imagine someone knocking on the wall, someone dropping something, I don’t think this hotel makes a profit, no, it should be demolished, and quickly too, rip off the doors and pictures, make the earth shake under those beds that are too big for the rooms. I prayed for the earth to shake, I said, Oh God make the earth shake! and I rocked myself with the pillow against my stomach.
Stan moved slightly, he turned his face towards the window, it made me jump, and what if he woke up and saw Kevin, how could I explain and convince him to go too? Stan was moving, but maybe he wasn’t there any more than his brother was, he was wandering in a dream, the closest country to death. Yes, I had to take my chance while he was dreaming and then he would do like Kevin, he would simplyslip from one country to the other.
I looked outside. It didn’t look like morning was coming, at night the hours stretch out, all hooked onto each other, all the same, nothing to tell them apart, that’s why it’s so long and that’s why you can get lost in it. Living those hours through the night one by one can drive you mad, it’s like having an eye ripped out, you lose your balance… and that badly drawn moon which couldn’t make up its mind to be a proper one was no longer helping me now that my back was blocking its light. It wasn’t generous and dazzling now, I’d thought it was on my side but deep down I knew everything had given up on me. I had to take care of Stan, who would give me the strength?
He moved again, his hands came out from under the covers, I was sure his cheek had creases from the pillow, but I couldn’t see well enough to check. He had such fine skin and the sheets always left marks on him. He used to grumble about it. When I got up it was already too late, they’d faded, but he told me about them, he often told me it worried him, I’d never seen it, this thing that bothered him.
I looked at him for a long time, like I wanted to get inside him, to find a little door and be inside him, he once told me how come we stand on the ground instead of falling over or flying away, It’s because the earth pulls us towards it, he told me, and I wanted it to be the same here, to be pulledin by him, for him to be my earth, and definitely, definitely not to hover above him but fall towards him like a magnet.
And I put the pillow over his face. I covered it and then sat closer, right next to his face so I wouldn’t let him go, not ever. And it was him, it was Stan who helped me. He didn’t struggle, just his legs a bit, straightening out in little jerks, he tapped my back, and I liked it, how long was it since our bodies had touched each other, just our hands, nothing else for such a long time, since for ever perhaps.
His legs stretched out and then he went quiet. Kevin had pulled his hair and said Stan and he said He’s my whole brother and there was the day he picked him up from nursery and the littl’un was all upset but full of admiration He’s my whole brother and the day Stan threw himself in front of a barking dog to protect him He’s my whole brother and the breakfasts Stan used to bring me in bed on Sundays the sound of the mug against the plate Kevin’s little footsteps following him a whole family and Stan watching me sleeping and Stan watching me stare at the kitchen wall and Stan who’s afraid I’ll wake up on my own a whole family a family far away from the hostile world.
I was exhausted. My hair had fallen across my eyes, drenched with rain and sweat, were they together at last, did I have to go on struggling, myheart was pounding, there was only one heart now for three people or was Stan still there? Who was on their own? Kevin or
What was the time? Do we go around the moon or does the moon go around us? Are there any people in this hotel or did I imagine someone knocking on the wall, someone dropping something, I don’t think this hotel makes a profit, no, it should be demolished, and quickly too, rip off the doors and pictures, make the earth shake under those beds that are too big for the rooms. I prayed for the earth to shake, I said, Oh God make the earth shake! and I rocked myself with the pillow against my stomach.
Stan moved slightly, he turned his face towards the window, it made me jump, and what if he woke up and saw Kevin, how could I explain and convince him to go too? Stan was moving, but maybe he wasn’t there any more than his brother was, he was wandering in a dream, the closest country to death. Yes, I had to take my chance while he was dreaming and then he would do like Kevin, he would simplyslip from one country to the other.
I looked outside. It didn’t look like morning was coming, at night the hours stretch out, all hooked onto each other, all the same, nothing to tell them apart, that’s why it’s so long and that’s why you can get lost in it. Living those hours through the night one by one can drive you mad, it’s like having an eye ripped out, you lose your balance… and that badly drawn moon which couldn’t make up its mind to be a proper one was no longer helping me now that my back was blocking its light. It wasn’t generous and dazzling now, I’d thought it was on my side but deep down I knew everything had given up on me. I had to take care of Stan, who would give me the strength?
He moved again, his hands came out from under the covers, I was sure his cheek had creases from the pillow, but I couldn’t see well enough to check. He had such fine skin and the sheets always left marks on him. He used to grumble about it. When I got up it was already too late, they’d faded, but he told me about them, he often told me it worried him, I’d never seen it, this thing that bothered him.
I looked at him for a long time, like I wanted to get inside him, to find a little door and be inside him, he once told me how come we stand on the ground instead of falling over or flying away, It’s because the earth pulls us towards it, he told me, and I wanted it to be the same here, to be pulledin by him, for him to be my earth, and definitely, definitely not to hover above him but fall towards him like a magnet.
And I put the pillow over his face. I covered it and then sat closer, right next to his face so I wouldn’t let him go, not ever. And it was him, it was Stan who helped me. He didn’t struggle, just his legs a bit, straightening out in little jerks, he tapped my back, and I liked it, how long was it since our bodies had touched each other, just our hands, nothing else for such a long time, since for ever perhaps.
His legs stretched out and then he went quiet. Kevin had pulled his hair and said Stan and he said He’s my whole brother and there was the day he picked him up from nursery and the littl’un was all upset but full of admiration He’s my whole brother and the day Stan threw himself in front of a barking dog to protect him He’s my whole brother and the breakfasts Stan used to bring me in bed on Sundays the sound of the mug against the plate Kevin’s little footsteps following him a whole family and Stan watching me sleeping and Stan watching me stare at the kitchen wall and Stan who’s afraid I’ll wake up on my own a whole family a family far away from the hostile world.
I was exhausted. My hair had fallen across my eyes, drenched with rain and sweat, were they together at last, did I have to go on struggling, myheart was pounding, there was only one heart now for three people or was Stan still there? Who was on their own? Kevin or
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